Wake Me Up

Who are you?

"Who are you?" He asked with a neutral tone of voice. I looked at him with so much confusion in my eyes. Joaquin stared at me, and it gives me chills all over me.

The setting of the sun dusked the balcony as the wind blew colder. I tried not to be swayed, though I can feel my trembling body starting to tease me. I stand straight then equalled his stare. I'm not sure about his words but I'm a bit nervous .. and scared.

"W-what .. do you mean?" With a shaking voice I asked him. Because of that, I started asking myself who am I ..

Who am I?

If I'm going to answer that, then my answer would be in misty ... because I don't know myself anymore ..

"You're not the same person I know .. you've change ... a lot." He is hesitating wether to tell it or not. I can feel the longing in his voice, and that really broke my heart.

I stared at him until my tears smoothly running down my cheeks. I cried again .. the emptiness inside me grew more.

"Kilala pa ba kita?" His hand flew onto my face and wiped the tears which keep running on my face. Then I saw the glowing tears he's suppressing. "I've trusted you when you told me you were gonna fix yourself .. you should have let me help you. Why do you need to walk away when I can help you fix yourself?"

Lalong lumakas ang aking pag-iyak nang gumaralgal ang kanyang boses. Parang may matulis na bagay na tumutusok sa aking dibdib sa bawat salitang binibitawan niya. Nasasaktan ako sa sobrang pagmamahal niya sa akin. Pero mas nasasaktan ako sa katotohanang kailanman ay hindi ko iyon magagawang suklian. Or should I give it a try?

"Bakit ba ang bait-bait mo sa akin? Bakit kailangang ako pa ang mahalin mo, Joaquin? Ilang beses na kitang tinulak palayo, bakit kailangan mo pang bumalik?" In between tears, I finally uttered those words I've been desperately trying to learn. This actually fits my situation, too.

Now, we're the same. We're both chasing for someone not destined for us. And that's for the sorrow, for the tears, and for the jaded heart I'm feeling right now ...

"Because you're pulling me back to you .. How am I gonna walked away when you were too broken and there's no way to fix you? I can't let go of you all messed up .." my mind becomes blurry.

I'm too occupied of my own life. I isolated myself with all the mess I had made. Now, I can't find the urge to seek for help.

Nahihiya ako .. sa sarili ko .. sa pamilya ko .. at kay Joaquin. Masyado akong nahibang sa mga katangahan ko kaya parati akong nabibigo. Naduduwag na akong sumugal .. pero mas nakakaduwag palang mag-isa.

The sound of an engine interrupt my winding mind. Tumigil iyon sa tapat ng aming gate. Before I could asked myself who is it, Dylan came with an unexpected guess.

What is he doing here?

"Ate .." Dylan called my attention. Halos bumakat sa katawan nito ang suot na jersey na nabasa ng pawis. Marahil ay kagagaling lang sa court at nag-basketball.

When they came closer, I diverted my gaze to the man behind his back. My heart thumped faster as it could.

Bakit parating bumibilis ang tibok ng puso ko sa tuwing magatatagpo ang ating mata, Samuel? My nerves get extra ecstatic as our eyes met .. are you a kind of drugs?

No. You are my kind of poison, you left me dead when you enter my life.

"Captain De Madrid, gabi na, bakit dumaan pa kayo .. nakakahiya naman." Mabuti na lang lumabas si Mama, dahil hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko.

I can feel the tension growing between us .. I know Joaquin has a lot of questions in his mind, and with this man standing in front of me, with his eyes directly fixed on me, I felt more nervous.

"Gusto ko lang po sanang makausap ang anak niyo." It's more like a polite question rather than a statement. Tumingin siya kay Mama at pagkuwa'y muling tumingin sa akin.

Bakit mo ako gustong makausap, Samuel? Now that I decided to forget you, why do you need to shake me again? I almost lost my confidence with your sudden appearance .. you really are unpredictable.

"Ah, ganun ba .." mahinang tugon ni Mama. Tumingin din si Mama sa akin bago blangkong tumingin kay Joaquin.

Muli kong naramdaman ang kabang ilang sandali ko nang itinatago. Should I ask Joaquin to leave? Pero ayokong mapag-isa na kasama si Samuel. Natatakot ako .. baka sa susunod hindi ko na siya magawang kalimutan.

"Aalis na muna ako .. I'll just come back tomorrow." Joaquin finally cut my silence and bid his goodbye. Tumingin ako dito saka nakakaunawang tumango. I can't force him to stay though. Tumingin siya kay Mama at nagpaalam. "Tita, aalis na po ako."

"Sige .. ingat ka, Joaquin." Tugon ni Mama na sinundan ng marahang tango.

Inihatid ko si Joaquin hanggang sa entrance ng balkonahe at sinundan na lang ng tingin hanggang sa makalabas ito ng aming gate.

Nanatili akong nakatayo doon hanggang sa kami na lang ni Samuel ang naiwan sa labas. Narinig kong nagpaalam si Mama kay Samuel para maghanda ng makakain. Wala akong nagawa kundi ang ayain itong umupo sa upuang kahoy. Sumunod ito at umupo sa aking tapat. Lalong nadagdagan ang aking kaba nang tumingin ito sa akin.

Mabilis kong iniiwas ang aking tingin at saka tumunghay sa labas. Madilim na at may ilang bituin na din akong natatanaw mula sa aking kinauupuan. I heard him heaved a sigh before uttering a word.

"I'm sorry .. I think I'd crossed the line." I gazed at him for a moment. I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm confused.

Para akong pinaglalaruan ng sarili kong damdamin. I know, and it's very clear to me, I have to stay away from him .. but why do feel like I'm losing the confidence to do so?

"Ilang beses mo na akong tinatanong kung bakit .. pero hindi ko masagot-sagot ang simpleng tanong na iyon. Dahil kahit ako .. hindi ko rin alam kung bakit napakabigat ng loob ko sa'yo .. Alam ko naman, wala kang ginagawang masama, but I always try to find fault with your simple acts. " my heart beats erratically with the weight of his stare.

Waka akong mahanap na salita kaya pinili ko na lang na manahimik at makinig sa mga sinasabi niya.

A short silence interrupt us until he spilled another question which I truly didn't expect.

"Who are you?"