Wake Me Up

On My Waking Hours

On my waking hours I am searching for you, but you were not there. I tried to look around, but you vanished completely. Even your shadow is nowhere to be seen ..

But you told me .. you'll be there.

"WAS it Samuel? You saw him, did you?" Maagap na tanong ni Ate Melcca.

Nakaupo na ako sa gilid ng kama habang nakatakip ang dalawang kamay sa aking mukha. Iniisip ko pa rin ang mga nangyari.

Bakit ganun? Bakit nagbago ang mga pangyayari?

"Dear, ano ba talagang nangyari? Nakausap mo ba si Samuel?" Tumingin ako kay Ate Lorielle na nag-aalalang nakatunghay sa akin.

"Y-yes. I think I did .." papalit-palit ang aking tingin sa dalawa na nag-aabang sa aking mga sasabihin. "Alam ko nakausap ko siya .. pero parang may mali?"

Kumunot ang noo nila na wari'y hindi maintindihan ang aking mga sinasabi.

"Anong mali?"

"Like what ..?"

Sabay nilang tanong sa akin.

"I happened to talk to him .. like it was real. But everything has changed. Yung nangyari sa amin sa office, nung nagkasagutan kami .. parang nabago." Naguguluhan akong tumingin kay Ate Melcca at umaasang mabibigyan niya ako ng magandang explanation.

Ngunit tumitig lang siya sakin na parang pilit inuunawa ang nangyari sa akin.

"Dear, pwede bang i-kwento mo samin ang buong pangyayari?" Marahang tanong ni Ate Lorrielle na bakas na rin sa mukha ang pagkabigla.

At para mas maunawaan nila ang mga sinasabi ko ikinuwento ko sa kanila ang nangyari mula sa simula hanggang sa katapusan ng aking panaginip.

"You've change it .. it's you." kunot-noo akong tumingin kay Ate Lorielle. Lumapit ito sa akin at hinawakan ang aking dalawang balikat. "It's because you want to possess him .. and you are so drown by it."

Before I could utter a word Ate Melcca butted in.

"You loved him that much that you even possess the memories inside your dreams. If you don't stop all of these, those memories will mixed up in your head until you couldn't recognize the real ones." Mahabang paliwanag ni Ate Melcca.

Umupo ito sa tabi ko at tinitigan ang aking mga mata, like reading mine.

"You were anticipating it, were you?" Tanong nito na ang tinutukoy ay nangyari sa amin ni Samuel week ago.

Alam ko at malinaw pa rin sa akin kung paano siya nagalit sa akin and how I walked out just to save my aching heart. Pero bakit iba ang natatandaan kong nangyari sa aking panaginip? He cared for me in my dreams. I felt like he loved me there. When he talked to me .. and when he kissed me .. I felt like it was all real.

"How could I not? I've been dreaming of him without ... without a chance of having him for .. real?"

' Dionne, .. akala ko ba hindi ka na iiyak dahil sa kanya? You are crying again ..'

Hindi ko mapigilan. Kusa silang pumapatak. And if I suppressed it .. I know I'd just get hurt .. there's too much burden inside me. Parang gusto kong dumating ang isang araw na maibabato ko ang lahat ng ito .. If only I can have you here ...

"Pero alam mong gawa-gawa mo lang ang mga iyon. Dear, nothing of it was true .."

I cried even more when Ate Lorielle hugged me tightly. She just spilled me the truth but half of me is hoping it's not.

"No. I think ..." Napatingin ako kay Ate Melcca nang magsalita ito na tila nag-aalangan.

I saw confusion in her eyes like she has something important to say but she's hesitating about it.

I stared at her and waited for a while.

"I think you are having selective memory." After a couple of silence she spoke. But I'm a bit startled.

"What do you mean?" I asked in confusion.

"You only remembered what you want to remember and disregard the rest .. and sometimes those were just false memories."

For the million times, I cried again. It hit me. So bad because what she said was all true. But why it's so hard for me to accept it?

Silence played along. No one of us uttered a word. And it makes me more dumbfounded.

"Is it bad?" I heard Ate Lorielle asked after a long silence.

Hindi agad nakasagot si Ate Melcca na parang naghahanap ng salita na mas madali naming maiintindihan.

"If you locked away informations, that doesn't mean you cannot encounter them anymore. They will keep on haunting you until you couldn't escape from it."

I got stunned. Parang may nakabara sa aking dibdib na nagpapahirap sa aking paghinga. My body is trembling like I couldn't accept everything I've heard.

"Dear, you can control it. Control your emotions, don't let your imagination drives you .."

Paulit-ulit na nagsasayaw sa utak ko ang mga salitang iyon. Paulit-ulit. Nakakabingi dahil para iyong maliliit na tinig na nagsasalita sa isip ko.

Bakit pakiramdam ko pinaglalaruan na ako ng aking isip? Hindi ko na makontrol ang mga nasa isip ko ..

Ganoon na ba ako kahibang sa kanya para mawala ako sa aking katinuan?

Until I got back home I'm still shaking. Hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala sa aking mga nalaman. Those things were too much for me to absorb.

"Dionne .. Anak!"

Narining ko ang pagtawag sa akin ni Mama ngunit para akong wala sa sarili at dire-diretsong naglakad sa aking kwarto.

Pabagsak akong humiga sa kama dahil sa bigat na ang nararamdaman. At ilang sandali nga lang naramdaman ko na ang unti-unting paghila sa akin ng antok.

"I'm sorry .. I .. am so .. sorry!"

I heard a voice echoing from afar .. but it's going closer towards me.

"I should've not hurt you .. I'm sorry ..."

I heard it again a couple of times. I tried to look for it, but it's nowhere to be seen. Am I dreaming again? But why do I feel like it's real?

Is it true that we're having dream telepathy? Or was it because of my selective memory?

Siguro nga hindi totoo ang lahat ng ito .. his kiss .. his warm hugs .. and him being sorry, these were just lies. Nothing of it .. was true. Dahil kailanman .. kahit maghintay pa ako ng habang panahon .. he will never .. ever .. love me.

They are right. Ate Lorielle was right. I got drowned by him .. and I'm at fault. 

What did you do to me, Samuel? Did you know that you've caused me so much troubles?

On my waking hours I am searching for you, but you were not there. I tried to look around, but you vanished completely. Even your shadow is nowhere to be seen ..

But you told me .. you'll be there.

Or maybe because you were just in my lucid dream from my selective memory.