Wake Me Up

Selective Memory

Dionne's POV

My selective memory is not selective enough because I keep on dreaming of you walking away from me as if you didn't see me.

'Samuel ..! Samuel! Please .. don't leave me!' with all the darkness around me, I cried.

I looked around only to see the vast of darkness beneath me. You've promised me you'll stay .. you will never leave me .. you even asked me to stay, but you're the one who walked away.

"Come back, please ..!" I cried louder but no one heard but a voice from afar abruptly echoed from the deepest sea of darkness.

"Dionne ..!"

Inilinga ko ang aking paningin at hinanap ang pinanggalingan ng tinig na tumatawag sa akin. Sa kadilimang nakapalibot sa akin, nagising ang aking diwa.

'No! I'm not! I need to find him .. please .. don't wake me up!' gusto ko iyong isigaw ngunit walang salitang lumabas sa aking bibig. Hanggang sa isang tinig ang muling pumailanlang sa kadiliman.

"Dionne .. wake up!" Anang tinig. Sa isang iglap may gumuhit na liwanag sa aking harapan. Sinundan ko iyon hanggang sa  muli akong mahulog sa isang malalim na hukay.

'No! This is just a dream!' sigaw ko sa aking isip. Mariin kong pinikit ang aking mga mata at hinihintay ang pagkahulog ko sa kung saan hanggang sa maramdaman ko ang malakas na pagyugyog sa aking balikat.

"Dionne .. you're just dreaming .. control it!" Sigaw ng isang tinig. At sukat doon marahas akong napamulat at mabilis na iginala ang mga mata sa paligid.

Nasa kwarto pa rin ako ni Ate Melcca at nag-aalalang nakatingin sa akin ang dalawa.

"Breathe in, breathe out!"

I am lying on a comfortable bed with Ate Melcca and Ate Lorielle.  I remember now. After our chat at the cafe we headed on Ate Melcca's house.

And it was Ate Lorielle's unexpected suggestion.

"THERE'S only one way to prove that .." sandaling huminto si Ate Lorielle at saka seryosong tumingin sa amin.

I looked at her with my questioning look.

"Ask him .. talk to him?" She's hesitating but I also think it's a good idea. But how?

Paano ko iyon sasabihin sa kanya? If I told him everything and it's a fail, of course he'll know that I've been dreaming of him .. but what will I do then?

"That's a good idea!" Napatingin ako kay Ate Melcca nang bigla itong magsalita. Malapad ang kanyang mga ngiti habang nakatingin sa akin. " Let's try controlling your lucid dream .. I'll help you."

Nanatili akong nakatingin kay Ate Melcca habang ina-absorb ang sinabi nito.

"You mean, sa panaginip ko kakausapin si Samuel? I'll meet him in my lucid dream?" Hindi ko makapaniwalang tanong sa kanila. At mabilis na tango ang naging tugon mg dalawa sa akin.

Would it be possible?

"Don't fight it! Just empty your mind!" Naiiritang sabi sa akin ni Ate Melcca. Ilang beses ko nang sinubukang ipikit ang aking mga mata ngunit agad ko ring iminumulat. Nagigising ako sa tuwing maaalala ko kung paano nagalit sa akin si Samuel ilang araw na ang nakalilipas.

Sariwa pa rin sa aking alaala ang tagpong iyon. May kirot pa ding dumadaan sa aking dibdib sa tuwing binabalikan ko ang naging pagtatalo namin. I felt so disappointed that time.

"Hey, dear! I already asked you to stay focus! Why are you so makulet?!"

Hindi ko mapigilang mapatawa nang makita ko ang naiiritang mukha ni Ate Melcca.

"Sorry .. Promise, I'll focus na ..."

Muli kong ipinikit ang aking mga mata at isinarado ang lahat ng mga sumasagi sa aking isip.

"Hold your breathe for ten seconds .. Then exhaled slowly. Keep reminding yourself that you will have lucid dream tonight while breathing." Ate Melcca also played a background music for meditation. It will  relax my body and  mind according to her.

Ilang sandali pa ang lumipas at bumulusok na ako pababa. Sa pagmulat ng aking mga mata kadiliman ang sumalubong sa akin. Alam kong bukas ang aking mga mata ngunit wala akong makita kahit isa. Inilinga ko ang aking paningin para hanapin si Samuel ngunit hindi ko pa rin siya makita.

Tumakbo ako sa kung saan-saang direksyon at hindi alintana ang aking dinadaanan at kahit wala akong nakikita, nagpatuloy lang ako sa pagtakbo at umaasang may makikita ako kahit kaunting liwanag.

'Where am I?' nangingilid na ang aking mga luha dahil sa kawalan ng pag-asa. I'm already shaking with exhaustion. My hopes of seeing him is slowly fading. Why I can't find him?

'Samuel, nasaan ka?'

"Dionne, stop! Hold your breathe .. focus!" A voice echoed through the dark. Who is it?

Huminto ako sa pagtakbo tulad ng sinabi ng isang tinig. Muli kong inilinga ang aking paningin. At habang habol ang aking paghinga  namataan ko sa hindi kalayuan ang isang bulto ng lalaki na seryosong nakatingin sa akin. Ang kanyang mga mata ay puno ng sari-saring emosyon na hindi ko lubos na maunawaan kung para saan o para kanino. Unti-unti kong iniangat ang aking mga paa at nilandas ang distansya papunta sa kanya.

Sa kadiliman na aking nakikita, alam kong ikaw yan Samuel, kahit kailan hindi pa nagsinungaling ang aking puso. This stupid heart of mine knows how to beat our song of love.

Habang unti-unting lumiliit ang distansya sa pagitan naming dalawa bumibilis nang bumibilis ang tibok ng aking puso. Ngunit parang bumibigat ang aking mga paa at nahihirapan akong magpatuloy. Until I felt my whole body froze.

'No! I need to go on .. I need to talk to him!' I shouted but no sound came out of my mouth.

"Dionne, control! Control your emotion!" I heard a loud voice .. but I can't see anyone aside from me and this man inches apart from me.

Then I realized that I'm already dreaming. Nasa loob na ako ng aking panaginip. And that voice was Ate Melcca. Now, I know,  I have control on everything inside this lucid dream.

Muli kong iniangat ang aking mga paa. Ngunit sa halip na lumakad ay mabilis kong tinawid ang pagitan namin sa pamamagitan ng paglipad. Nagmistula akong diwata na nililipad ng hangin palapit kay Samuel.

Samuel is still there with his eyes directly looking at me. Now, I could clearly see what he meant by those look in his eyes.

Questions.

I saw thousand of questions floating inside his mind but vividly shown through his eyes, just like a  mirror of confusions ..

Another voice echoed from outside of my dream .. which alarmed me.

"Never look at the mirror, you'll be trapped if you do!"

I immediately close my eyes for a second. But Samuel hold my face with his hands which made me looked at him. His eyes, how I missed those mysterious eyes. Those eyes which made my heart beats like crazy.

His eyes .. those eyes .. he trapped me with his eyes.

" If this is just a dream .. If we were just in a dream, I will never let you go. I will love you there, forever, just so you won't leave me ... Stay with me, please?"

Puno ng pagsusumamo ang kanyang tinig habang direktang nakatitig sa akin ang kanyang mga mata.

How could I stay away from him now?

Now that I heard it from his mouth, I couldn't let go of him anymore. I think I'd rather live in this lucid dream of mine .. than living in reality without him. I'd rather live with all this lie than living in reality without him beside me.