Wake Me Up

Walk away

"Gurang na ang aki ta. Kung anu-ano pa iniisip mo e." I heard them quarreling over me again. Pero mukhang mas kalmado na si Papa kesa kay Mama.

"Anong gusto mong gibuhon ko, pabayaan na lang yang aki ta? Pano kung may problema talaga sya dai nya lng sato masabi?" Halata ang pag-iyak sa boses ni Mama. She's getting more hysterical.

They are like that. When they are fighting over something, they talked through our native dialect. And I can feel that they are getting serious now.

Habang andito ako sa loob at nagkukulong sa aking kwarto, lalo kung pinag-aalala ang aking pamilya. Baka kasi hindi ko na makayanan at maamin ko sa kanila ang aking problema kapag  lumabas ako. Hindi ko pa kaya .. hindi pa ako handa.

Narinig ko ang pag-alo ni Papa kay Mama. Lalo akong nakonsensya dahil dun. Mula sa aking pagkakahiga, tumayo ako at binuhay ang speaker sa aking side table. I played a loud music which later filled my quiet room. I can't stand them fighting over me. But what should I do?

For I don't know reason, I played the song which actually described how I felt right now. While leaning on my headboard, crossed arms, with a lot of things rumbling inside of my head, I cried. I can't believe I'm being like this because of you, Samuel.

"I still see your shadows in my room
Can't take back the love that I gave you
It's to the point where I love and I hate you
And I cannot change you so I must replace you (oh)"

How am I gonna forget you? How am I gonna replace you? Because I think I couldn't take back these feelings I have for you.

"Easier said than done
I thought you were the one
Listening to my heart instead of my head
You found another one, but
I am the better one
I won't let you forget me."

You are my lucid dream, and you won't let me forget you. I really thought it was just all in my head, that I could forget you anytime I want to. If only I have listened to what my head dictates me rather than my heart, maybe I can at least made it easier for me to walk away. Now, I'm really better off dead.

But then I see your face lingering on every corner of my room. You seemed in love with me with your worried eyes. Is it real, or I am just hallucinating again?

Now, I can't see the reality over my fantasy.  Even this song perfectly humming with my dimly soul.

Should I really need to go to the doctor?

"You are too precious to lose. But you've suffered enough, I'll make sure that won't happen again ..."

His voice is still echoing inside my head. And I'm not sure if it was just part of my dream or it actually happened. I don't know anymore.

Naguguluhan na ako. Sumasakit na ang ulo ko kakaisip kung alin ba ang totoo at hindi sa mga bagay na naaalala ko.

I lowered the volume of the speaker. Para na akong nabibingi dahil sa dami ng tunatakbo sa aking utak.
 

Tama nga si Ate Lorielle, kapag hindi ko pa ito itinigil lalamunin ako ng sarili kong problema. Baka isang araw manatili na lang ako sa mundong ginawa ko sa loob ng aking panaginip. Until I couldn't control everything ..

Ayokong magising isang umaga na hinahanap siya, lalo na't alam kong hanggang panaginip lang ang lahat. He couldn't give back the love I felt for him, that's for sure.

Umupo ako sa ibabaw ng aking kama at muling binasa ang email sa akin ni Samuel. Paulit-ulit ko iyong binasa hanggang sa may narinig akong malakas na katok sa pinto.