Dramione- When You Don't See Me

44. Slavish Spirals

Song: Holiday- Green day

It wasn't too long before it was March, two months they'd been together and having the time of their lives.

Ron however, wasn't feeling too hot. He'd had some reflection time since the day Hermione had called him out and he was starting to realize how badly he'd messed up. For years now he'd let alcohol consume his life just as much as he consumed the drug itself. He'd let Fred's death come between him and his own life.

As Ron held James, he couldn't help but wonder if he'd have had kids with Hermione by now if he didn't lose her trust. It was dumb to think about. Neither had very steady income nor did they ever get a house together. Another note worth mentioning was that James wasn't planned to be born so soon in the Potters' relationship, they were going to wait a few years, about five to be exact. They didn't even want to get married last year, wanted to wait two or three.

The youngest of the redheaded males sighed as he pet the peach fuzz hair on his best friend's and sister's baby. The small child was still so cold and without the charms or someone holding him in their warmth, he could easily leave the world as fast as he entered. The noirette could tell something was wrong with Ron.

"You doing okay? Getting all emotional on us asking you to be Godfather?" Harry teased his best friend, taking his child back to the glass box.

Ron shook away his thoughts, "I'm fine. Just, kinda stuck in thought a bit. He's a handsome boy, Harry. Really looks like you, guess you Potter's specialize in cloning everything but the eyes." James had blinked around a few times while he was awake and revealed his eyes were as dark as could be. The healers said this was likely due to James having brown eyes, just like Ginny.

James was a sight for sore eyes. Even in his NICU, surrounded by translucent purple dust, he was beautiful. Ron was envious of his little sister, even in the worst situation, she was calmer than ever. He'd never seen Ginny so happy, not even after her first Quidditch match in his sixth year when Harry had kissed her. She wasn't even this happy when the Hollyhead Harpies had asked her to play one of their chasers.

He wished he could have that level of happiness, be sharing this moment with Hermione in a reality where he hadn't ruined everything. Merlin he felt like an idiot. He kneeled down in front of James and watched the baby as he himself got stuck in thought.

Harry knew something was wrong, you can't know someone so long and not know when they're upset. He kneeled next to Ron and put a hand on Ron's shoulder. "You know, if you want to hold him again, all you need do is ask."

Ron shook away his distress and peered over to his friend, "Say again?"

The noirette frowned, "What's on your mind?" The blue eyed man bit his lip, "Nothing at all, I'm happy for you two."

Ron laid on his bed, staring at the ceiling of his childhood bedroom. He could've been anything, done anything, but he threw it all away. Taking another swig from his bottle, he closed his eyes and laid his arm over his face. He was pathetic, he knew it. All Ron could think about was how Hermione would never take him back, never forgive him, she'd be canoodling his worst enemy while he laid in his parent's house's upmost bedroom alone.

Merlin, the redhead was becoming one with the thought spiral. It was Fred's death all over again. It'd start with thinking about distant family relations, how everyone was pulling away, then it'd roll to specifically George who'd locked himself in his room and wouldn't ever come out, then to his dead twin, how the twin died, how Ron could've stopped it, how the whole war was so-

Stupid.

He exhaled shakily, taking another sip before realizing what he was doing. The now twenty year old threw the bottle at the wall. It didn't so much shatter but put a good sized hole in the wall and broke into three to five sections. His heart sped up and his hands caressed his own face between his forehead and eye-sockets.

One more thing to be wrong with him, his growing obsession with breaking things. Ron's dresser was tipped on its side, his trunk's contents strewn about the floor, A History Of Magic dangled from his lamp it's pages hanging on by threads. The worst of it all, his Chudley Canons poster was ripped down the middle, three uneven segments.

Trying his best to get over his addiction, it'd lead to worse results. James was just barely a week old and already fearing Ron due to the godfather's unyielding rage. Ron had broken a vase in his frustration of kicking his foot into its small table of a home. James cried for ten minutes due to the loud cacophony of swears, wood clashing against wood, and splintering ceramic.

The little baby wouldn't even look at the redhead, like he feared he'd be thrown out the window if he even dared make eye contact. James had to be the most pathetic little ball of nervousness anyone had ever seen. Even with Hermione insistently dragging him along to visit the tiny child after work, James still wasn't a fan of Draco.

It made the redhead's blood boil, he'd been on the youngest Potter's good side but now he was becoming a worst enemy. Ron was slowly turning into James's and eventually his own greatest fear.

-959