Pinatay ko phone ko. Hinatid ako ni Jess sa bahay at dumiretso lang ako sa kwarto. Wala pa parents namin, pero nandoon na si ate. I locked the door. Umupo ako at sumandal sa wall. Sobrang bigat ng pakiramdam ko. Mas mabigat pa kesa sa ilang years kong paghihintay kay Gerard. Mas masakit. I can't even breathe.
Narinig ko si Jess na ineexplain kay ate lahat. Galit na galit si ate sa nalaman niya. Akala daw niya, mapagkakatiwalaan niya si Dale.
The night passed and I heard a knock on my door...
"Mia, open this."
I opened the door and hugged her, "Ate..."
She hugged me back and gently rubbed my hair back and forth, "Shh, Mia. I know. You don't have to say anything." Sinara ni ate yung pinto at umupo kaming dalawa sa kama ko.
"P-Pero... pero I didn't know... Kung alam ko lang... Hindi na sana..." It's my fault. Kung hindi ko hinayaan si Dale pumasok sa buhay ko, kung hindi sana ako nag tiwala ulit, sana hindi ako nasasaktan ng ganito. Sana hindi ko nasasaktan sila mommy, daddy, ate, at kuya.
My brother sacrificed his life for me, but I ended up having an affair with his killer's brother. Mas pangit pa ata yun sa kaibigan na pumatol sa ex ng kaibigan. Mas pangit pa ata yun sa step siblings na na-in love sa isa't isa. I'm a mess again and I hate this feeling.
"Shhh. No one knew about it. You didn't know his brother killed kuya. It wasn't your fault. Don't blame yourself. Akala mo hindi ko alam? I know you're blaming yourself right now, but Mia, hindi pa namin natin alam lahat. I'm so disappointed right now with Dale, but we don't know anything yet. Another thing, he wasn't the one who killed kuya. Pinagexplain mo na ba siya?"
"Why do you like him so much?" I kept sobbing.
"Because my dear sister loves him and I know she's having a hard time right now," He cupped my face. "Mia, let him explain or be a deaf forever. Talo bingi. Pag nagbingi bingihan ka, mas dadami ang misunderstandings. Pag hindi mo inalam lahat, you'll lose the fight."
"A-Ayoko. Kuya will surely be disappointed. Mommy and daddy will get mad. Pero ate... bakit ganito?" I sobbed. "Nagiguilty ako kasi kahit nalaman kong ganun siya... I still miss him... I still want to see him and I'm not even mad at him. I am so mad at myself 'cause I can't even get mad at him. I want to be mad at him, pero nandito ako, mukhang tanga. Iyak lang nang iyak."
Heart breaking is an understatement of what I am feeling right now. I can't find the right word for it, but it surely hurts big time. I want to see Dale, but I'll choose not to dahil natatakot akong pag nakausap ko siya, I'll hug him and believe everything he say.
"Mia, did he ever lie to you?" Seryosong tanong ni ate. "Did he do bad things? Did you see anything suspicious while you were with him? O kahit minsan ba, naramdaman mong may gagawin siyang masama sa'yo? Kung oo, ako mismo ang tataboy sa kanya."
I cried and shook my head, "No..." He never lied to me. Alam kong may secret siya at ito yung secret na 'yun, pero hindi ko matanggap na ganito kalala. Alam kong malalim yung secret niya, pero hindi ganito kalalim. Not this much.
