Watch N' Learn 3

Chapter 61

Chapter 61

Alyssa 

I leaned over the toilet violently throwing up. It literally felt like my stomach was being pushed up through my throat and I felt awful. I've been super sick ever since I got released from the hospital 2 weeks ago. The morning sickness has been kicking my ass. I hate it. My body was changing so much that I'm starting not like how I look. I've always been on the smaller side, but I'm picking up weight. It's not showing as much in the belly area, but it's all in my face, my boobs, my butt and my legs. I'm not going to lie, this shit has been draining me completely. I've never been so tired in my life and I'm not even doing much. 

"Baby, you need to just rest. We can do shit another day." Ryan said in the doorway of the bathroom. 

I shook my head. "No, we need to do this today. The wedding is in 3 weeks babe." 

"Look at you. No, you need to lay down. You know the doctor wouldn't want you to be all over the place. Chill, please." he said. 

I stood up from the floor then looked at myself in the mirror. I glanced at Ryan and he looked so good. He's so fine. He's all dressed up and I'm dressed down looking like a homeless person or something. 

"Why do you really want me to stay here?" I asked looking at him through the mirror. 

"What you talking about?" He asked. 

His phone started ringing and he picked up and started talking. I turned around to face him. I know he does not want to be out and seen with me looking like this. I look like shit and I'm getting fat as hell. I can't even work out how I usually do because I'm scared that I'm going to hurt my growing babies. 

"...shit, I don't know. What time you trying to do that?" Ryan spoke on the phone. 

I don't know what the hell came over me but I just burst into tears. I'm so disgusted with myself like I feel ugly as hell and I'm gaining so much fucking weight. I can't keep shit down and I'm pretty much living next to this damn toilet. Ryan and I have had sex twice in the past two weeks. I am just so tired all of the time. He's going to fucking leave me. I don't know why I'm letting myself go like this. I never seen my body changed so quickly. I'm not going to look cute in a fucking wedding dress. I may be the worst mom possible. I don't know how to be a parent. What the hell am I going to do? What if I mess up?

Ryan looked at me confused while still on the phone. 

"...aye, lemme hit you back later, I need to get my lady straight...aight bye." Ryan said hanging up. 

I turned away from him. What the fuck is wrong with me? 

"Alyssa, what's wrong? Why you crying?" Ryan asked. 

I couldn't even get any words out because I was crying so hard. I know he's tired of me because I'm tired of me. 

"What's wrong? Talk to me." Ryan said turning me to face him again. 

I just stared at him. I couldn't stop the tears from falling. He pulled me into his arms and wiped my eyes. I put my head in chest and just cried. It's all I could do. 

"Tell me what's bothering you baby." Ryan said. 

Before I knew it, it all just came out so fast. "I'm ugly and fat Ryan. I'm letting myself go. Look at my face, I have bags under my eyes. My nose is starting to spread and my face is getting big. I'm gaining so much weight. I haven't been dressing up the last few weeks and my hair isn't done. We haven't been having sex because you probably think I look disgusting as well. I'm not going to look good in a wedding dress because I'm huge. I'm worried about the wedding. I've been so sick and I'm so sorry that you have to be here all the time helping me. I don't know what's happening to my body, it's just changing so fast. I'm scared I'm going to be a bad parent. I've never had kids before, I don't know what to do. What if I fuck everything or you leave me because I don't look how I use to. Is that why you haven't tried to have sex with me lately? I understand if that's why...I'm so tired Ryan. I never knew it would be like this."