Dirty Little Secret

Lies and Whispers

Nicolas' POV

As I stand in front of Jason by myself, Benny still gone and my body vibrating form the efforts of holding myself back form throwing myself at him, all I can think to him is how sorry I am.

Sorry that I'm not weak.

Sorry that I messed this up for liking Nathan.

Sorry for not seeing this coming.

Sorry what I have to do next to protect him.

It's always been Jason protecting me and Clary form him, from our parents and anyone else that wanted to do something.

And now I have to protect him. Protect us.

All I want to do is curl up into a ball and cry and tell everyone to leave me alone. I want to curl up in Jason's lap and tell him that I don't want to do this. Tell him that all I want is to be with him. But I can't. Not without everything falling down on us from all sides until we can't breath.

I can't breath.

But I have to protect Jason.

And when I look at him, blinking back my tears, I find him staring off into space, a trail of water already falling down his face, and I wish I could take back the words already even if I haven't said them yet. We both know what I have to say next.

"I think I might have chosen too fast." I say, trying to keep my voice from shaking.

Trying to stay normal so that we have some form of a chance. I just have to make it to December. Make it to winter break. I just have to wait, in hopes that he won't leave me and find someone better, but that's we can still run away when everything is over.

"Being with you." Is the best thing that's ever happened to my little Omega heart. "It's getting hard. Being a secret is weight down on me. And Nathan." Hes evil. "He can take care of me." My thoughts and my words aren't anywhere close to on the same page, and I want to break down and cry.

I thought about being with him in secret, but that wouldn't be fair. To drag him along during the night just for him to have to watch me during the day. I hate this.

I hate life.

I hate Nathan.

I hate Jason most of all because I could never hate him ever, and now I have to hurt him to protect him.

"I don't want to reject you." Please don't leave me. "I don't think either of us should have to go through that pain." I need you around. "But you're still my brother." My Mate. My sweet protective, selfless Mate.

He finally looks over at me, the tears on his face for the both of us, me trying to swallow them down as to not give myself away.

"I told you that your decision, is your decision. And who ever you would chose, I would let you. Not that you need my permission." He says, his voice sounding so empty and almost ironic. I'm tearing my hair out inside, screaming for Benny to help me, but all the wolf does is hide. All he ever does to hide when things get hard. "I hope he's the Mate you dreamed up."

He's not. "Thank you. I can sleep in the living room." The words cause damage beyond repair in the room.

"You want your space?" He asks me, his voice almost breaking, but staying strong. He's so strong. He's so good to me. He's so good.

"I don't want the end of our heat to effect me like it has been to be under you so much. It might be awkward." I whisper, the quiet holding my pain, and I turn away to grab a blanket so I can softly wipe away the tear.

The fear.

The pain.

I can almost hear his heart breaking form me, and the next thing I hear is him standing up. I tense, knowing that if he touches me, that will be the end and I won't be able to hold it in anymore, but to my surprise he walks to the door.

"I wouldn't make you sleep on the couch." He says, pausing by the door, our backs to each other. Tears streaming down our face as I shake like a leaf barely holding it together. "Good night."

And the broken sound to his voice solidifies all hate that I have for myself and now the boy that has singlehandedly ruined my life all because of jealously. "Good night."

He walks out of the door, and as soon as it culling is close, I fall to the floor, my sobs shaking because I know he can't hear me, but I can hear him. I can hear his shuddered breath from the other room and I crawl to the door as my body shakes and pleads ti get close to home again. Let him hold me again.

When I get to the door, my hand is against it as I cry, my whole everything shutting down as I try to handle all of these emotions by myself.

And as I lay on the floor and listen to him as I cry out for something I can no longer have, the whispered singing of my favorite words come floating to my ears.

You never say goodbye
But you never fail to leave
But that's alright as long as you keep coming home to me.

~~~~~~~~~~~
I know i know i know. You don't have to tell me.

Thoughts?

Comments?

QOTD: whats your biggest insecurity?