Dirty Little Secret

Mornings and Missing

Nicolas' POV

     When the sun rises in the morning, I barely slept all night, my sniffles barely heard because of my stuffy nose.

     I wipe the tears on my face and curl up into a ball, wishing that I could go back in time yesterday and do something different.  Do anything different  because now I'm all alone.

     Just as I want to break down again, I feel Benny nudging me with his nose, tears streaming down his face, and I don't say anything, not wanting to talk to him, or even look at him. We were doing so good together and he messed it all up.

     'Nicky? I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I got so scared and I tried to stay, but he just kept getting closer and I got scared. I didn't mean to leave you alone. I really tried this time.'

    I close my eyes against his cries, but I know he's right. He stuck around longer than he usually does, but if there was one time, where he needed him to lean on, and needed him around. It was last night. And I was left alone, by him, and then by Jason.

    'Just.... leave me alone.' My voice doesn't even sound like mine as I push him away softly.

     He cries harder, but he listens and goes away into his own corner so that the sound of his cried sound almost like mine.

     Not even a minute later, there's a knock on the door, and when they don't enter on their own, I turn in the bed, wiping my tears softly before I call out for them to come in, my voice softer than it usually is.

    The door opens and my breath catches in my throat when I find Jason coming through the door, his eyes down fast as if he can't bare to look at me. And I hate it. My lip wobbles as a whine builds in my chest, but I choke it down and hold it as I watch as he walks around the room. And my body, all it's telling me to do is to go to hun, hold him, be with him.

     "Sorry. I'm just getting my stuff to shower. I'm do it in Clary's room." He tells me, and he still didn't turn around and look at me.

     But that's what I want to see.

     His chocolate pretty eyes that always used to melt when he stared at me. The ones that turned dark whenever he thought of claiming me. The same ones that were leaking tears like a broken faucet before I could even get my words out last night.

     It's no wonder he won't let me see them anymore.

    "Okay." Is all I say, and I continue to silently watch him a little bit longer before I lay back down and turn my back to him, not wanting him to finally look up and see the tears on mine.

     Finally he leaves, shutting the door behind him, and I breath a sigh of relief before making myself get up too. Today we're supposed to be going skiing if you want to, or you could stay here and watch movie with snacks and hot chocolate. Nathan told me that we were staying in and to meet him by the stairs after I get dressed.

     I better start getting dressed.

     I sniffle to myself as I get off of the bed slowly, my legs and arms feeling like lead as I try to get myself in some form of happiness. Some form of being okay. But I can't.

     I don't have Jace here to kiss away my tears. I don't have Ryan here to make me and Benny laugh. I don't have Benny to make jokes about us doing the nasty with Jason.

    I'm alone.

     And I can feel my shoulders shake with the weight of it, hating everything abo it it, but knowing that it's my turn to take care of everyone and to make sure that everyone is okay.

     I get off of the bed and head towards the shower, my body moving in muscle memory as I turn it on and get undressed, my gaze unfocused as I think about random things going on in the world. Random things that could have been. But I stop that train of though along it's track as soon as I know the direction it's headed because it would only hurt worse.

    After I shower, I get out and get dressed, not looking myself in the mirror, only making sure to get ready in time.

     To protect.

     For love.

     That's now only one sided.

     After I'm all done and the room is cleaned up, I make my way out of my room, only to find the living room empty. He didn't wait for me. But why would he?

     I grab the key to the room and make my way downstairs, finding Nathan exactly where he said he would be. I walk over to him, my head slightly down as my lip quivers, and his hand finds my face, just like once upon a time, and raises my chin so that Imm forced to look at him.

      "Let's go have fun." He tells me with a smile, and if I could hate him more than myself in this moment, I would.

~~~~~~~~~~~
Smh, how did you guys not see this coming. I thought by now you guys would expect the unexpected!

Thoughts?

Comments?

Bare with me until.... Wednesday and I'm sure I'lll be back on track with everything. Tomorrow isn't going to be DLS, updates but extras that I've been meaning to write and post. Sorry in advance for the cliffhanger!

QOTD: whats your country's colors?