Memory Of Us

054

054

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Josh and I were simply sitting calmly next to each other. Walang umiimik sa'min after that.. kiss. Naiinis pa rin ako sa t'wing naaalala ko na I was the one who initiated our  first kiss. Also my first kiss. It's not that I regret it, nakakahiya lang kasi baka isipin nya I couldn't wait any longer. Na baka sobrang pinagnanasaan ko na talaga s'ya. Knowing Josh? Kadikit na yata ng pangalan nya ang salitang hambog.

Pang aasar nya lang sa akin 'yung ginawa ko. Maybe not now but soon. And paghahandaan ko na agad 'yon. 

I mean, I was waiting for the perfect time, but he gave me feelings that made me give up waiting. I couldn't help myself any longer. Para nya akong hinahatak papunta sa kanya, and I did not stop myself kasi gusto ko rin. It felt right. Because it's Josh, and I don't think I'll regret everything I do if it includes him.

He's just so worth it. And perhaps that was our perfect moment. Hindi planado, biglaan lang.

"Gaano ka katagal mag-aaral sa Canada?" Pambabasag ko sa katahimikan. He was just playing with my hands until he decided to look at me. Pakiramdam ko nagb-blush pa rin ako dahil sa nangyari kanina, I hope he wouldn't notice it. Madilim naman na.

"I don't know yet, hindi pa namin napag-uusapan ni Mama. But that probably depends on the course I'll take," Sagot nya sa akin at saka s'ya ngumiti. Josh chuckled and pulled me closer to him as if he had heard me heave a sigh after he replied.

Kainis.

"We'll make it work, alright? I fight so hard when it comes to the things that I want, Amanie. And I want you, I love you, so there's no way in hell I will let the distance break us." Ayan na naman, parang baliw na naman na nagwawala iyong mga laman loob ko dahil sa mga sinasabi ni Josh. We're official and I'm still having trouble processing it in my head. Hindi naman ako nananaginip 'di ba?

"Josh?" Tawag ko sa kanya. Nakasandal na s'ya sa balikat ko at wala na akong maramdaman na spcae sa pagitan namin kasi sinakop na yata lahat ni Josh.

"What made you want to go there? Hindi naman sa pinipigilan kita, I'm just curious. Kasi 'di ba sinabi mo sa harap namin na you're not going anywhere?" That's true, I still remember that day. Hindi ko makalimutan kasi iyon yung araw na sobrang bigat intindihin lahat, sobrang hirap i-process kasi sunod-sunod yung mga nalalaman ko. Parang tubig na umaagos--hindi natatapos.

"Because I hate the world for making me feel like I have to choose between you and my Mom. I can't and I won't do that, kapag may pinili ako sa inyo hindi pa rin naman ako magiging masaya. Why? Because I need you both. Mas mabigat sa pakiramdam kapag may iniwan akong isa and that't not my thing. People leaving me is better than me leaving them. 

She hurt me in a way no one else could, si Mama. Made me believe that I was nothing more than a mistake, that I had taken her life. But I know she's trying her best to alter them because she's been trying for years. Ako lang 'tong nagmamatigas, na nagpapanggap na ayos lang ang lahat sa akin kahit hindi naman talaga. And you, you made things better than they were before. You make me happy, you make me smile, and you inspire me to be the best version of myself that I can be. I have no idea how you do it, but I have no intention of ever stopping you. Because I love the way you make me feel, Amanie. I love how you drive me insane every damn time, and how you transform me into a better person. I can't let you go because I love you so much. Kasi saan na lang ako pupulutin non kung sakali?"

The next thing I know, I was sobbing because of Josh. Hindi ko na napigilan. Nakakainis naman 'tong hambog na 'to, e. He's making it difficult for me to accept the fact that he'll be leaving after this. Gusto ko na lang tuloy sya idikit sa akin kahit na pinapaiyak nya ako sa mga sinasabi nya.