5SOS Book of Imagines

CTH // Friendzone (5)

You always imagined it to be magical, your and Calum's first kiss, but as he kissed you, you felt nothing but the urgency in his actions, the force, the savageness. Like he was angry. It was nothing like the daydreams you had.

"Cal--mmm--Stop!" You struggled to put your arms in his chest and push him away. It was rather hard because he was so strong but he pulled away eventually.

"Isn't this what you want?" He said, agitated, desperation in his face.

Your eyes sting at the edges, hurt yet again with his words, "Are you fucking serious?! You think that's why I'm mad?"

You started to stand, but he pulled you back, breathing deeply.

"Wait, please, Y/N." He held your shoulders, head down, thinking about what he was going to say, "I'm sorry for what happened, I was a jerk. I didn't mean to say that about your dad, and.. Sorry for all the things I said. I didn't mean all those."

"I know. You didn't mean anything you said, like how you didn't really mean the promise, right?" You said bitterly.

His face twitched in guilt, "No. I meant that. I stayed by you, didn't I? I was just drunk. Come on, Y/N. You know me."

"Do I? Are you still that Calum? I don't think so. You've--You've changed. You're not the Calum I grew up with. You're not the Calum that I," you hesitated, before continuing in a whisper,"love."

"So, now you're hooking up with Michael?" His irritated tone was back.

"We're not hooking up! Don't blame me for going to someone who understands me and knows my value!" Before you know it, tears spilled carelessly down your cheeks, which you tried hard to wipe.

You saw dozens of emotions on his face. He was worried, scared, guilty and sorry. He tried wiping your tears but you swat his hand away. You looked down, not wanting to see you crying anymore.

"I'm," he croaked, making you look up, his voice breaking, "so sorry, Y/N.."

Calum. Crying.

You tried to remember the last time he cried in front of you and all you remember was a scrawny, curly haired boy crying in the woods, his knee bleeding.

"Gods, Calum, don't," all the anger building up inside of you vanished, all thoughts disappeared and all you wanted to do was hug him and ease him of the pain he was feeling.

And so you did.

You hugged him tight, crying as he did. Here you were comforting the guy who made you cry. You can't blame yourself though, this blond highlighted bassist just seemed to have a soft spot for you.

He hugged you back and whimpered, "I'm so fucked up.."

You pulled away and held him at arm's length. "No. Maybe you're just confused. Maybe you need time for yourself, Cal."

"I am fucked up. So fucked up, I.. I lost you," he said, staring straight at you, making you feel uncomfortable you shifted your weight on your feet.

"I'm...still here, Cal. Still here, always have, always will," you said truthfully.

"But I hurt you.. You.. Loved me," he continued shyly, venturing on the topic of love.

You swallowed and said again, "I still do, Cal. I love you."

He slowly smiled and started leaning in to kiss you. Do you let it happen? Do you really want this?

A face flashed on your mind. Michael. The guy who was there when you needed someone. Someone who gives comforting hugs and make you feel safe. The one who's ears are always free to listen to your tantrums and complaints. All of a sudden, you knew what to do.

You awkwardly pushed Calum's face away.

"Cal.. You're.. You're my bestfriend," you said which made his expression crumble, almost making you waver in your resolve.

"I wasn't! You loved me! You were jealous of those girls! You love me, don't you?" He shook your shoulders, desperation evident in his voice.

You squared your shoulders and said, "I was jealous. Yes. I loved you. So fucking much it hurts to stand beside you and just call myself your 'bestfriend'. It hurts because I know that's all we'll ever be."

"But, no.. I.. Think.. I love you, too.." He whispered.

There it was again, hearing those three words from him felt so much better in your fantasies, in the real thing.. They really didn't feel like much.

You laughed bitterly, "No, Cal. You don't. You're just butthurt because you think I bruised your ego by going to Michael."

"That's not true! I love you! And you love me!"

"Maybe I do, Cal! Okay?! But sometimes, you have to learn to love what's good for you. To love the one who gives back the love you give," you said slowly, at the same time convincing yourself you did the right thing.

"But--"

"Please, Cal.. Don't push this anymore. It's better for both of us," you looked him in the eye and tried to convince him.

He let go of your shoulders, surrendering. He looked down sadly, fighting the tears that will fall. You looked away, not wanting to see him like this because you're sure it'll make you change your mind.

He started to walk away, towards the door, but he turned around, gave you one last long look, "Will you be at my birthday party?"

You smiled a small smile, "Of course, I'm your bestfriend."

He scoffed, bitterness in his voice, "Yeah.. Bestfriend."