5SOS Book of Imagines

black butterflies and a night with you

blurb; cth

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The city lights whipped past me, like a blurred little galaxy as I zoomed through the night. There was nowhere I could go, any other place in mind would remind me of her and that's the last thing I need right now.

I felt so stupid, so low, so...unwanted. Hah! I exclaimed mockingly. Calum Hood feeling unwanted. Now that's new.

Parking my motorbike on the sand, I looked around the place I hoped wouldn't bring memories of her. We've never hung out here because she hated the sea, but I guess that thought itself was a memory. I settled on the sand, letting my fingers be buried in it, thinking I've no choice, this place has to do.

I took a huge breath and exhaled it in a gust, almost not believing what I did myself. I should congratulate her one of these days. Congrats on making Calum Hood run away.

There was nothing else on the beach but sand, water, and the sky, stretches and stretches of a never-ending sky. There were no houses around, no trees, even. It seemed too barren, but it was to my advantage so I just shut my mouth and looked up. The scarcity of stars in the sky seemed to mock me. Like the others are busy laughing at me behind dark clouds. The ones that twinkled weren't any better. My eyes kept tricking me, constantly conjuring random images by connecting the stars in different points. At one point, the image that formed wouldn't change. Like a constellation I didn't know existed was suddenly up there in plain vision.

A butterfly. A black butterfly in the black sky, looking down on me.

Shit.

I closed my eyes, dismissing the image, throwing around a handful of sand as though that would help dissolve the image.

It didn't.

The butterfly image remained, like a superimposed silhouette in the middle of my line of vision. Along with it, the bits and pieces of what happened last night crept back to my mind.

The black butterfly moved back and forth in front of me, along with the sound of skin hitting skin. My skin and hers. My hand slapping her stinging pink butt. The black butterfly tattoo on the small of her back. Her eyes blazing with a black fire. Her face planted on my bed, her clothes scattered on my floor.

Two days ago I didn't even know she had a tattoo back there, now it's all I remember when I think of her.

Honestly, I didn't expect sex between us would be so...intense. I always thought she was somehow hot, but the years of friendship always came in the way and I never really got myself to thinking there could be something this great between us. She's my best friend, for goodness sake. I'd be twisted if I thought of her that way.

But it was Luke's birthday and I lost control of my alcohol. I still don't even remember how we ended upstairs in my room, tasting each other's skin.

I remembered feeling remarkably good despite waking up after lunch, which usually gets me aggravated. I remember the sudden shock when memories of the night before came flooding but at the same time, a weird kind of hope came to me. It jumped into how good it would feel to have her beside me, my best friend and the one who would make me happy the most. The one I trust with my problems becoming the one I trust with my insecurities, too. The one who knows me to the core becoming the one I bare my whole soul to. It made complete sense in my mind. I remember washing up so fast and running over to her house just a few blocks away to talk to her about last night. I remembered how I shout at her parents to say that I was coming in, running straight to her room upstairs, the one at the end of the hallway. If I'd think carefully, I'd probably even remember hearing her mom shout back that Luke was there, too.

When I opened the door, the hope that hasn't even made home yet in my chest left. Because on her bed was her, seated with her back to me, and Luke, eyes closed and lost in the moment, lips locked.

For the first time in my life, I was speechless and at a loss. They quickly backed away from each other in shock. I wasn't seeing Luke, I was just looking at her, waiting for my eyes to meet her black ones. Yet as she looked at me I looked away, scared to see it blazing with fire for Luke the same way it blazed for me the night before.

I ran, of course. I went back home and kicked my bike to life, the roar of the engine mirroring the loudness of my emotions. It was confused as well. Was I angry? Do I feel betrayed? Do I care for her so much already? Or have I loved her all along? Am I only realizing things now?

The sun set behind me as I drove around the city looking for a place to stay where I wouldn't be reminded of her until the night crept in and I'm here in the beach alone and somehow miserable.

I felt stupid for running away. I felt stupid for feeling these kinds of things for my best friend who obviously doesn't think of me that way. I felt betrayed for not knowing there was a thing between the two of them. But mostly I just feel hurt that I made myself give in too easily to false hope, to a fantasy.