moon [k.nj + k.sj]

IV. L o v e l y

(Warning: Mature Language, mention of self harm and other triggering topics.)

Namjoon's point of view:

The alcohol had pinched in as my head throbbed, veins bursting out, I rested myself on the nearest surface I could find, trying to search for the bed, my legs stumbling as I searched for the bed, the stuff around me in motion blur, the colors not properly visible, things kept flashing up and down in front of me, I stumbled to the solid surface, my back hitting the bed. 

I  covered my face, pushing my hair backwards.

I didn't know what to do, I wasn't in control of myself, I grabbed the nearest glass vase I spotted, grabbing hold of it, trying to take out the fucked up frustration as I slammed it on the floor, the glass slowly hit the floor, each part breaking into small pieces and spreading around.

I buried my head in the pillow trying to stop the whole of it, closing my eyes shut tight.

I grabbed the stuff around, breaking things, everything went out of my senses, I started breaking stuff to calm myself down, I hated being like this, I felt insane as I finally sat down, holding my head, my face messy with scratches and tears in between the room which now had almost all the objects broke, I was scared little kid who just needed someone to listen to him without judging him.

I gritted my teeth together.

Everything around had been suffocating me, for who I was, what I had been aiming for, for what I wanted to speak about, for wanting to speak for what I stood for. It made me angry in the first times but then it got under my bones, made me feel low, made me feel weird, all I thought of myself was getting lower and lower each day, I had been adapting to different methods, breaking myself into small pieces to survive, because at that point I had forgotten what I had been standing for too, I had become too scared to even express myself, or think of it.

The burning sensation went around my skin, it was an indescribable feeling, the unexplainable burn marks on my wrist, thighs and arms.   

The blurred memories around my head started bulging in when I made my way back to the hotel room, covering myself up in the sheets and blankets. It was cold, it was too cold.

"You are a big disgrace to this whole family!"

"Why can't you be like your siblings, why do you have to be so useless?"

"I am ashamed to even think of you as my child."

i stood there in front of the door, my fist clenched inside my pocket as my head hung low, I couldn't meet their eyes, it was not easy to pretend to not bother when the whole part of me just wanted to burst out, I wasn't like my other sibling because I didn't want to be but they didn't get it, and it hurt even though I was used to being the outcast all the time, I just wanted...a little big of love.

"We have decided to send you away to aunt K-"

My eyes widened with shock and fear as I begged out, "No  no no please don't do this, not her please not her, don't send me away to-"

"It has been decided, she is going to beat some senses to you."

"Please don't do this, PLEASE DON'T DO THIS, DON'T SEND ME AWAY PLEASE-" The door banged close in front of me hitting my nose as I fell backwards, my nose bleeding as I kept muttering, "Please don't send me away, don't do this please, don't do this to me...please don't..." The little Namjoon was scared because he knew it would be hell for him, than it already was, but no one cared, no one cared for him and he was sent away.

I don't remember much other than how my back and chest hurt everytime I tried to lie down, it would give sharp pains in every move, about how I wanted to run away everyday, how I had decided I was hopeless and I had to save myself, defend myself, it was scary for a kid but then, what did I have to lose anymore?

I was on the floor, but I had fucking enough of it. I grabbed whatever I found near me, I wasn't been able to stand up with the bruises but before I could be kicked out of consciousness, I threw it at her, it barely hitting her with my weak throw as she yelled. She's been calling me names, she always has been.

"YOU MONSTER!!!" It echoes throughout my system.

The next time I could feel I could walk, I ran away, as far as I could go, as long as it would take, I decided to run, to run till I reached the top.

I turned my weakness into my power.

If I was a monster, then let me fucking be.

I became Rap Monster.

I was panting on the bed, sweaty and tired as I sat up, finally being able to feel myself as I sighed, rubbing my eyes and looking out of the window.

I have been loved, respected a lot as Rap Monster, but I have rarely felt the love as Kim Namjoon. From the little age till now, people don't really bother to look at me as who I was, not just as an idol RM. That's why he is special, he never considered RM but straight away loved me for being Namjoon.

Isn't it lovely, all alone
Heart made of glass, my mind of stone
Tear me to pieces, skin to bone
Hello, welcome home.

But back to being a monster, with non human attributes, I fucking love the Rap Monster in me, but I need someone to love the other part of me, just someone who would see through like he did, or not someone, I actually need him, want him. 

Why can't  get him off my mind? 

I laid back down on the bed.

(a little bit on Joon's past a bit small chapter, but hope you like it! stay safe and take care! :) -sydREnzo)