Into The Rose Garden (Seidou x Kanae/Karren)

Chapter Forty-four - The voice

Warning: This chapter contains themes on self-loathing, negative thinking, inner demons, suicide and dark tendencies and actions of murder. You have been warned.

It was all becoming too much for me to handle, and everyday I felt my mind drift off to many places. A part of myself felt stuck, no matter what I did, I would remain stuck.

However, it wasn't until one of the torture sessions, that...a 'voice' intruded on my thoughts. 

As I was being gashed within the stomach, that's when it first entered my life. 'Kill him, kill him now! Make the bastard pay; you have the power, do it!'

This voice within my thoughts was hard to explain, even later down the line. It was a voice that was difficult to pinpoint, and I couldn't even recognize the tone it was speaking in. It was dark, miserable and full of nothing but malice and hatred.

Everyday, it keeps wanting me to do things I would never want out of life. It wanted me to hurt, myself and others. It wanted me to become rash, violent, impulsive and miserable. And I could tell, it looked down on me greatly, and only saw me as some kind of gateway.

It stayed by my side, as I remained in that boiling hell! It whispered things into my ear, told me things that were unthinkable, and even tried tempting me to preform heinous acts of revenge and lust for blood.

It was always in the back of my head as my suffering grew, with it the voice became more persistent and loud. It hated my rebellion to fight against it, it hated my desires for a peaceful and calm life and it hated the way I was.  

I too, hated the voice in return. So in a way, it's a mutual understanding. And yet...I don't think anyone can understand this voice in my head, even I had no clue what it really was. And if I were to come out to anyone within my prison, I would look like a crazy person.

There were some moments with this voice that I remember more than the other ones, though harder to think about. 

Like for instance, one time, I was walking alongside Kanou, as we were headed towards our next destination; Tatara wasn't there at the time, so I'm surprised now I hadn't used that opportunity back there. Than again, this was after a...harsh lesson was imprinted into me, making me terrified of messing with Kanou directly ever again. Maybe that had something to do with it.

Anyway, we were walking, and Kanou turned his head to me. He scoffed softly, turning his head back to his front. He then begins to start a conversation off. "So, Takizawa...I'm curious... What kind of role did you play in the CCG?" "What...?" Kanou shrugged.

"Well, we've looked over your records, at least from what we could find... And yet, all we found was basic information on your class rankings and office work. There didn't seem to be much on your battling field records; why is that?" I gasp softly, confronting the idea of it all. 

I shrug, pretending not to be bothered. "I...I..." "Oh, I see. So is it true, they didn't have much use for you, did they?" I jolt my head up. "What-?" "I mean, I don't really blame them. Don't get me wrong, you seem clever enough, not the brightest but...it's fine. Your speed is good too, you're fairly fast for a human. However, something like that is never good enough for them."

I feel my throat close up, as I continued to listen foolishly. "That's how they are; believe it or not kid, but the CCG don't care about people like you. You're useful to some extent, but once it gets to a point where your usefulness runs out...you might as well be trash at that point." 

Suddenly, I feel myself trying to say something, only for soft gasps to escape. Kanou scoffs. "Listen, the CCG is evil. And maybe one day, I'll convince you and prove it to you."