Into The Rose Garden (Seidou x Kanae/Karren)

Chapter Seventy-one - Loss of a father

The day your mother and I met you, was the best day of our lives. I remember a lot relating to you. The day we conceived you, the day we saw you resting in her and knowing you were our son, the day you entered this world and the very moment you recognized our voices. You were born so little, so early, but you were still so healthy.

The truth was, son, I was so scared. Your mother was terrified at first, but she was so much braver about it compared to me. As you were being born, she screamed and she screamed, holding tightly onto my hand. I was afraid of either losing her or you that night, and it felt like there was nothing I could do about it.

You were our child, and she was the love of my life. But thankfully, both of you pulled through. I remember looking down at you, as your eyes were still working on opening themselves up. even then, you had your mother's eyes.

As cliched as this sounds, I nearly broke down once you held onto my finger. We were so young, still bringing in ways to fit our personal careers. Your mother sacrificed everything for my sake and yours, as I worked and made my way into becoming a lawyer.

I remember coming home, to tiny you running towards me, with your mother close behind. And by the time you were three, your little sister was born. 

I wish you remembered that day like I do. Your eyes wide, your smile cheek to cheek and you moving all over the place. I knew that you were going to be a wonderful big brother for little Seina.

The truth was, son, that despite me wanting to be the best father I can be...I've never been given the same treatment with my own. Remember the day you asked why my parents never showed up to events? I do, everyday I think about you asking it.

Sometimes I wonder if you should actually know the truth, or if I should just keep it to myself. I don't want you to hold a grudge against him, your grandfather...my father. And now that...things are the way they are, I think I should 'tell' you now.

All I can tell you is...my father hurt me, a lot. Nearly everyday, he would hit or kick me out of frustration or resentment. He wasn't always like this, just when my mother...went away. I was ten, and very alone as an only child.

Sometimes he got drunk and those moments were the worst case, but it still happened either way. I wanted to push myself to be a good student, have a fantastic GPA and go off to some school to never be with him again. However, my plans were altered, thanks to meeting your mother.

It's a long story, but she helped me recognize something by the end of it... If I wanted to change where I was, I needed to have a feeling for doing so. Not just to leave my father, but what I truly wanted out of it.

I wanted to defend or fight for people that were in my situation, or needed a chance to fulfill their case. I decided as I was with your mother, that I wanted to become a lawyer. And that was the exact same moment that I knew, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

I guess I never brought up my past about that mess with you, because I knew you needed to grow with love and support. And I assumed you knowing about my father would taint it, in a sense. 

But as the years went on with you kids, I loved the life I was living then. I was so happy, that I forgot all of that even happened to me. I knew it did happen, but it never crossed my mind. Seeing you kids grow, watching your mother greet me with tonight's dinner in that apron of hers. All of it was great! 

Yes, even 'the talk' was a great memory. Did we scar you at all when you heard us...make love? You were just a kid, you probably thought we were getting hurt or something. I felt so awful that you overheard it, and sometimes I wish that wasn't the reason we had to teach you. Or I had to teach you, while your mother agreed to teach Seina if the subject came up for her.

You took everything so well, even though there were some parts you couldn't fully grasp, but I'm glad my analogy worked out.

As you grew older, your mother often came to me about how something felt wrong with you. And I wanted to do something, believe me I did, but what was there to do? You were in elementary, and I could barely remember my elementary days. You did get better in middle school, though you still had a little trouble. You were still a very warm, smart and all around bright kid.

I'm glad you knew what you wanted to do with your life, even if your mother had her worries or doubts. However, I knew you could and would do it, you were my son after all. Out of the few things you've gotten from me, your sense of ambitious strive was one of them.

Seidou, even though I've told this to you time and time again, I've never been able to say it enough. I love you son, and I was very proud to have you as my child. When I lost you, I felt myself fall apart, only holding myself together to keep our family attached. Your mother especially needed me the most.

Sometimes, I just wanted to break down, and fall apart myself. It was hard to have that responsibility, but my needs would surely be met eventually.

I had to take time off of work, just to be there. Nearly everyday, I would just hold her, as she felt so...detached and numb, with the occasional emotional bursts. I wanted to cry as much as her, but I had to hold off on that, at least for that time. 

Doudou-cakes, I wish you were still here, we all do.