Into The Rose Garden (Seidou x Kanae/Karren)

Chapter One hundred and twelve - Shit

"It's so good to see you Takizawa, but...you seem a little tense. Has it been a rough time lately?" Seidou stroking Donut's resting furry head as it laid on his lap, as the rest of her body was laying on the sofa, her stubby tail wagging in the process. "Well, to get it out of the way...you're already made privy to the abuse I had to endure, and the...condition that came as a result of it..." "Oh, I see. Is it about your-?" "Yes."

Seidou sighed, pushing Donut away softly and with a tender care put into it. Seidou folded his hands together, leaning forward as he brought some of his personal mess out. "For a while, everything was...fine. Even with my... But one day, it just came back." "What came back, exactly...?" Seidou scoffed lightly. "That feeling of dread, the episodes? They all came back all at once, just like..." Seidou snapped his fingers. "That." "Ah, and...how did that make you feel, having that feeling back?" Seidou pulled his hands away. "Frustrated...? Afraid, angry? I-I don't know, that's your job to know! It happened with no warning, a-and I..." Hotoshi leaned into her chair. "Well normally these things happen for a reason, a trigger, an event mildly related to the trauma...a support system falling out. Or maybe there really was no cause to it, and it's just...one of those days where it's back again. I can assume so much, but that's up to you to figure out." 

Hotoshi leaned back forward. "PTSD is weird like that, and typically it's very difficult to shake off. And that's why it's okay to accept it as such, and not to set expectations to get rid of it. Because you start building expectations for yourself to feel better as soon as you possibly can, and when you don't hit the mark...you could end up missing the good things you've accomplished and have it worsen." Seidou leaned into his seat.

"It's just when I had the episode that I did...it was a really, really bad one. It was like I lost myself, and I couldn't even snap out of it enough to simply ground myself and think on anything else." "Sometimes that's why you need others to help you with that, and it's okay to ask for assistance. You don't have to share whatever happened in this episode, but trust me...traumatic episodes can get ugly, and even if it may upset others to see, if they're the right people...they would want to be there." Seidou held one hand up, frowning at the sight of his palm. "It had gotten so bad...I felt so broken and lost, and it was completely terrifying. My girlfriend said that...if I couldn't adapt to asking for help or admitting my problems, she would need to take a breather from our relationship and potentially break things off. That tore me up, and even when I understood that her needs were needed too...I felt frozen, and I ran. I recalled a lot that day, to the point where it felt like my head was going to explode. I ran, I hid...and that day...I think I could have perished from my own impulse."

Hotoshi nodded, and Seidou placed his opened hand over his eyes. "I just wanted it to go silent, even with how cold and gross it was, I was just so content hiding away. For once those kinds of thoughts were silenced, and all I thought about was...nothing." "Oh, I'm...I'm so sorry to hear about that." Seidou removed his hand, leaning back forward.

"But Karren found me, took me home, and treated me. I realized that we both needed to be apart for a while, n-not breaking up! Just...a breather." Hotoshi grabbed onto her handy box of tissues. "That's perfectly fine, sometimes we all need a little time alone to recollect ourselves." "But that's the thing! I don't WANT this to hold me back from my own girlfriend!" Seidou swung his arm out, his tone rising. "I just want to do things too, without having the tiniest thing bother me. There's already a lot of things this stupid condition holds me back from! I want to do those things I used to, or experience things I haven't before that was ruined by it!" Hotoshi tilts her head a little. "Oh, what things exactly?" "Well I...I..." "Whatever you say is private, remember that."

Seidou placed a hand onto his chest, breathing in the oxygen deeply. "I just...want to do things normal people have no problems with. I can't garden with my girlfriend without worrying about power tools, I can't take in certain words normally, I can't stand being around a doctor, I still have issues with my sexuality for God's sake, I'm very concerned over stepping into a cold shower, and I can't even wear a freaking normal swimsuit! I just wear this suit that covers my body from ankle to wrist, and whenever I tried to go out for a swim wearing a typical male swimsuit...I panic and put a white shirt over it! What kind of shit would make this difficult?!" Seidou groaned, hands on his face.