broken wings

chapter 42 special person

to say I was shocked and surprised that I just had gotten this information from him was putting it slightly. I didn't know how to feel or even respond, I didn't expect him to stay all of that out of nowhere and to be honest I had no clue why he did so. 

" it's why I am scared you know? scared you will leave like him. I know that you are in some kind of danger and I am scared that either way I will loose you. " he said finishing his sentences that probably he wished he never had let his mouth escape. 

" I'm safe at the moment, I won't leave you " 

" thats the thing, I know your dad is doing something and that you are safe because he is currently in custody but my father was safe too when he died, he just wasn't safe from himself, and I am scared that you aren't safe from yourself either. " 

I looked at him, he was just looking down, not daring to make eye contact with me like he was embarrassed with what he just admitted to me. " I never had prove until now " he said again. 

" there is no prove for anything Ryder, my dad didn't do this " I told him not wanting him to think that he assumptions were right, if I admitted this there was no way I could still defend my father in court, and I needed to or I would lose the protection he gave me sometimes to his friends, and I don't want them to be able to get to me more as before. I know that I have had so many chances to go to tell him or show prove but I couldn't, at the same time I could. 

he looked up and looked me in my eyes " I know thats a lie, but I won't pressure you I have done enough of that in the past, do it on your own time Zz but please don't do anything to yourself in anyway, I don't want to lose you, i can't lose you " 

" I won't, everything will be okay " I tried to reassure him, not only because of him not wanting me to disappear but also because I don't want him to keep blaming himself for a death he didn't cause, he never put the gun to his father head did he? he shouldn't feel like he did it either then. 

" I hope It will be, he would have adored you, you know? he always thought that I needed a shy girl. I don't even know why, she needed to have manners and have respect but be able to stand up for herself. he always told me and my brothers that, you do need to work a bit on the last one " he muffled a laugh, and gave him a slight giggle. 

" he is proud of you Ry, he doesn't hate you or blame you " I told him wiping away the tears that where still resting on his cheek. " I wish I knew that for sure, but I can't ask him " he admitted to me.

" you will know one day, he's looking down on you Ryder, maybe not forever but he is now and he loves you. if he doesn't love you or is proud of you he needs to get himself together, you are amazing and any person can see that, even him " 

he wrapped his arms around me and buried his head in the crook of my neck. we stayed like this for a while both of us needing this kind of love for a few seconds, needing reassurance that we aren't alone and that there are so many people who go trough similar things, so man people who cry at night and just need an embrace from a special person, and right now we we're each others special person. 

-

-

-

after a period of time of convincing Ryder to let me clean myself up on myself he left, he told me he didn't want to pressure me into telling him my life story but that he would always be there for me to listen, I was glad that he didn't use the ' I told you mine now you tell me yours ' line because I never even wanted him to tell me his in the first place. 

and no that is not because I don't care or because don't want to feel like a carrier of his problems, it was because I am scared to have someone care for me and I am sure that if you tell someone that that you care for them. I. wouldn't turn back time and change the fact that he told me, because I don't mind that he did, but he shouldn't have if he didn't want to. it was his choice and I will accept that as long as I can make mine. 

after I cleaned myself up I left the bathroom and helped him taking out the brownies out of the oven and we just talked, our day wasn't anything special after being each others special person. but we still had each other and felt comfortable, comfortable enough to cuddle eat and kiss for the night but nether of us making the other overwhelmed or hurt. we cared for each other and that is all you can ask from a person, all I can ask from him. 

and it was a fact for me that I loved him, but if he loved me that would be a question I needed to keep asking myself until he told me the answer. 

or realize he never did care in the first place.