broken wings

chapter 52 goodnight

⚠️ TW potential self harm,  suicide attempt please do not read chapter if triggered bye one ⚠️

I just let him walk away from me, even tho I was the one walking. I lost him to a person that confuses me, a person related to my dad. he will always follow me even trough other people. how can I possibly return 'home' I live with him right now. I eat the food his mum cooks and use the water they pay. am I burdening them? did they just take me in due to feeling sorry for me. did my friends also not like me? I mean Emily just took me in but did they take me in only for that reason. 

I mean first Amy left the group due to me, and now Ryder, will they all leave because of me leaving me all alone again, like its always been. like I am sitting under this tree right now, alone. 

i am alone and the only person I have is my dad and the memory of my mum. everything I have is a nightmare. tears were running down my cheeks in the abounded park due to all kids being at school. I thought he loved me and cared for me like I cared for him. 

why was he so concerned about me after seeing my arms, or me laying on the front porch, at the airport?, when I had the panic attack? was it all fake? was I again not enough to please someone. 

i hate it here, I hate this world, I don't do anything right I mean I cant help a girl in pain, for fucks sake I cant even help myself, I cant do anything right because I am a disappointment, even in dying I mean, I cant even succeed in that. 

all my life all I have known is pain, and I know I say that a lot, all I know is people faking their love for their on selfish needs. but what did Ryder get from me? nothing and it confuses the hell out off me. I didn't give him anything I didn't please him, at least not good enough 

again not good enough.

 my thoughts are racing trough my head right now, slowly I start feeling my breath get harder and harder by each second and each breath. I wanted to calm down, but my mind wasn't letting me come close to that one bit. 

I started digging my nails in my hand palms trying to change my mental pain to physical pain. trying to remove my thoughts. pain started shooting trough my hands but it wasn't enough, my thoughts came above the pain, I needed more way more. 

starting to scratch my arms with my nails, reopening multiple wounds, my burn wound started bleeding straight away giving me satisfaction, I deserve this, I deserve all of this. the pain my dad brought me, Dante, his friends, Amy, David and now Ryder, my everything the one who hurt me the most even tho he never laid a hand on me. 

this proves that mental abuse can do so much more damage than psychical abuse, this proves that I am weak, more weak than I was ever before just because I finally decided to open up to someone, to trust someone. 

blood was now covering my wrists and hands, crawling underneath my fingernails, I looked disgusting, and I did it myself, I wiped away my tears, causing the blood from my hands to be placed on to my cheeks, even tho I wiped the tears away, new ones just came pooling down. 

my panic still hadn't settled down, the fear I had right now was never going to disappear, what do i have to live for? nothing, nothing at all. 

i do actually, one thing, but that one thing can disappear. I will make it disappear. 

I started walking into the direction of the house of my father, now not being surrounded by cops anymore. I still had the key, I wanted it to end, I wanted everything to end. 

you may think I am over dramatic doing this over a boy, but its not just him, its the fear of Wednesday, the past and traumas related to that. its again being proved what my dad told me my entire life, that I will never be good enough, and I now believe him. 

i entert my home, my real home, because I now know that he never lied to me, maybe thats better, the painful truth then a good lie . 

I picked up a paper and started writhing one word, one thing. 

I left the house but kept the door open. I was going to return in just a few seconds . 

i walkend across the street, and laid the paper on the front porch, I knocked and walked away entering my home.

I went to the basement only to figure out that all my dads devices were taken as evidence, but one thing they couldn't have taken from me. it was hidden, somewhere good. 

under the couch in the living room, I cut a hole in the carpet, to a wooden box under the floor, I took the one thing I kept to defend myself with, the one thing that killed my mother. 

daddy's gun 

what took my mum will take me 

the gun 

but also my dad 

but trough words 

goodnight loves