I always dreamt of having a good life, not even a perfect one just good. a life where I don't need to worry about being black and blue, a life where I can be free and have rules by my parents but still have my own choice. its all I want but it seems like it is impossible for me, maybe even for more people but it definitely is for me.
i'm in English class and I'm not really paying attention, I just feel worried about everything. Ryder being aggressive my dads client who's coming tonight and dad himself, people finding out about everything and hating me for it thinking I'm disgusting. I don't want that, but I'm afraid it's how things eventually will be.
hearing the bell signing it is time for lunch snapped me out of my trace, I grabbed my stuff and started walking towards the outside canteen when I felt myself being pushed in the lockers. it hurt a lot because of the belt marks that are cut deep in my back.
" so little sex doll - " I didn't hear anything of what he said anymore because I was concentrated to his and his friends faces, they were the same guys from the hallway the same 3, completely beat up. and even for my clueless ass I knew who did that, and I knew I would pay the price.
i 'woke up' from my trace again by feeling a sharp pain on my cheek, " now listen here you little bitch you don't fucking ignore me like that again or I will ignore your please to stop too " he said with a sadistic angered smirk. " y-ye-s " " y-ye-s yo-ou und-d-stoo-ot m-e ? " he mocked me making his friends laugh.
i was emberrasd non the less that I again couldn't appear as confident and fearless that I again needed to be a weak little girl, I will always be that little girl
i nodded not wanting to be anymore annoying or pathetic in front of him and his friends. " so let me repeat myself, you will come to the boys locker room after school. you're not there? you'll be dead the next time I see you. yeah? " I nodded slowly making them smirk and walk down the hallway, I wanted to cry I really did but I couldn't do that in school I couldn't let the males know I am weak and easy to keep down, I couldn't risk it.
i walked towards the girls bathroom not wanting to fave my 'friends' right now, I don't understand why they keep up with me I'm pethatic more then anything.
when I got to one of the stalls I broke down and sat on the floor covering my mouth not wanting people to hear me, I was sobbing but the sound was muffled.
I knew it sounds like a stupid reason to cry but I've been bottling everything up inside me, I always do it and its the worst habit I have because it hurts so much when it happens, just everything is too much the moving, the new school, new clients, all my secrets I even keep denying myself and Ryder. he knows something isn't right and he can't find out, the 3 boys I can't meet them after school. they called me sex doll and said they maybe wouldn't listen to my no's. what if they do it? then my list gets bigger and they would know about what my father does due to my bruises and cut words in my body
everything would crash down, every secret would unravel. it can't happen I can't let it happen.
" zz? is that you " I heard Emilys voice followed with knocks on my stall, I didn't answer I couldn't let her know it was me . " if it's not Zina I still wanne help? " it sounded more like a question but then again it do is Zina, it do is me.
"Zina please open up, we were waiting on u and you didn't come so I said I would check the bathrooms because I kinda also needed to go, I know its you I can see your shoes. "
nothing
nothing came out of my mouth
I couldn't as much as I wanted to be in someones arms and to be held but I couldn't
" alright then, i'm pretty sure ur not going to come outside during lunch anymore or maybe even for the whole day but I'm worried you know. I know you are hiding things i just don't know what and that's fine. don't do anything stupid yeah? and uhm wait" I heard her go into her backpack and saw a granola bar appear under the stall door
she slid it there " eat it I want you to have lunch " she packed her stuff and walked to the door
" thank you Ems " I said right before she closed the door.
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Emily do was right that I would be hiding here the rest of the day, I knew the bell would ring in about 5 minutes so I already packed my stuff and walked out of the toilet not wanting Ashton and Xavier at my back.
I know ill be dead the next time I see them
I know Im going home even tho I should be in the boys locker room
but I'm not just going to walk there knowing I would be hurt when I come outside of it.
and yes I do walk home knowing I will get hurt but he's my father and I love him, and I hate that I do but I do.
coming home I prepared 2 diners, apparently the client will eat with him. I don't want to have a client I really don't but rather adding one guy to the list as 3 so this option it is.
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the front door opened and I heard my fathers voice and another males voice. they walked into the kitchen and sat down, the stranger eying me up and down while my father completely ignored me and started eating. dad spoke up " go prepare yourself "
so that's what I did
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- ⚠️ TW SH ⚠️
after who knows how long of torture they both finally left, they did it together. normally my father lets them and then comes afterwards but I guess they are friends that they did it at the same time.
i walked to the shower in my room and took. a shower wiping off all the blood, seeing all the blood go down the drain and disappearing was making me urge to make it appear again.
I cut if u didn't know, I don't do it on a daily basis, well sometimes depending on what day it is. I could go months without it and then fall back and continue doing it for a long period of time or sometimes just once.
believe me I wish I didn't bring myself to do it again tonight but I did
I did after being clean for 3 moths and a half
I just threw that away to do this:
putting the blade on my right / daddy's punching bag thigh I made slits, I don't know how many I did but probably above 20 and I was happy I just knew I would regret it later and be disappointed in myself
⚠️ TW OVER ⚠️
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I realized I never put TW on moments where it maybe would have been a need and I truly apologize for that, so I want to clear a few things out.
when there will be included rape , abuse or just dangerous content I will not be placing a TW because this is what the story is about, so thats in almost every chapter
when there will be included SH, suicide, ED's or any other thing that may cause you to have to urge to hurt yourself I will include a TW and then you will see so by the TW from above
i don't want to say that rape and any sort of abuse can't be triggering but they are the main focus of this story where SH, suicide, ... aren't the main focus of this story and will not appear in every chapter. there always can be a time where there is going to be a random TW where I haven't spoken about when I feel like it really should be there
sorry if I upset you with this, but this is then a warning to maybe stop reading. if you really want to include something in the TW section pls mention here I could consider it, but I don't think I will do that with the above unless I see it is a must to keep you guys safe xxx
stay strong guys xxx
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broken wings
Non-Fictiondeep down everyone has secrets , deep down everyone is in pain. some people are just better at hiding it or feel like pain is okay. a girl who seems happy and a guy who can read her like a book pass ways just In this book. tears and joy ,cries and h...
