Serpentine ; Fred Weasley

Eighty

I couldn't do it.

The second the casket was in the ground, I left the cemetery, crying with a hand clamped over my mouth.

I walked down the sidewalk, just needing to get away from the scene and all of the mourning people.

I stopped when I felt like I couldn't breath, realising that Carter had followed me.

"No... leave me alone." I waved him off, my other hand to my chest as I tried to take a few deep breaths.

"Kai—"

"I can't do this right now." I cried, shaking my head while squeezing my eyes shut.

"Do what? Talk to me?"

"I can't look at you." I cried, sliding down the brick wall until I sat on the wall.

Carter didn't say anything for a moment, then leaned against the wall.

"What are you talking about?"

"You look like him." I said, wiping my nose on the back of my hand before I looked up at Carter. "You have always looked just like him. The only difference is that your skin is darker and your lips are slightly bigger, but you and Kwan have always been scarily similar for half-brothers..."

I shook my head while Carter looked down at me.

"And you act similar as well." I continued. "You've got the same interests... the same— you're too similar and you remind me of him."

"Well, I'm sorry but I can't exactly control my features." He said. "And he was my brother too, Kai. You may have been close but you're not the only one who sees him when looking at me. I can tell that mum does as well and I do too."

I looked up at him again, leaning my head back against the wall.

"I'm sorry." I cried, closing my eyes. "I'm so sorry."

Carter slid down to sit next to me, pulling me into his embrace. I could hear him breathe heavily as if holding back tears but I had never even seen him cry before.

"It's all my fault." I cried. "He was right there and I didn't notice the signs. He seemed fine. He was smiling."

"I know." Carter whispered. "I saw him that day... we had a fight."

I pulled away and looked up at Carter as he stared into the air, eyes full of tears.

"I've been so angry with him." He breathed. "He left back then and I couldn't forgive him for that. I called him selfish... worthless. A few hours later, he was found dead by a river."

Carter looked at me.

"He wouldn't actually do that, would he?" He asked. "Kwan wasn't suicidal, right? He was just... he was getting married. They were planning to have a child."

I didn't answer. I closed my eyes and laid my head on my brother's shoulder.

"There wasn't a goodbye letter, was there?" I asked, and I felt Carter shake his head.

I stared into the distance as the tears silently streamed down my face.

"He didn't kill himself." I whispered. "Carter, someone must've killed him. Made it look like a suicide."

"No, Kai—"

"Don't." I pulled away from him. "I know what you're gonna say. You're gonna say the same thing that Fred did."

"Kai, he wrote a will!" Carter said while I got to my feet. "He wanted to leave us some things. He committed suicide. None of us likes to think about that, but he did and we can't ignore it."

I stared at him.

"Fuck you, Carter."

I walked past him, back towards the cemetery as the ceremony had ended. Kwan was in the ground and I just wanted to go home.

For the next couple of weeks, I spent almost every single moment at my book shop, smiling at costumers as I sold them books and recommended new ones to those who needed something different to read.

I didn't see my family. I isolated myself from them. I felt sad, and I was angry.

Angry with Carter for believing that Kwan would end his own life. Angry with mum for having fought him back then so that he felt like he had to move out, angry that she kept him from us. I was angry with dad for not having fought hard enough to keep him in our lives.

We lost so much time and now it was too late. I only got to spend a year getting to know the older version of him, and now he was simply gone.

I constantly had nightmares, waking up crying to Fred holding me tightly. Some nights I cry myself to sleep and some days I can barely get out of bed.

It hurt in a way I had never imagined before.

It was my first loss and it was absolutely horrible.

"Look what I bought!" I said as I rushed into the flat after work.

Fred and George were just finishing up dinner and George was doing the dishes while Fred turned to look at me.

"What did you buy?" He smiled weakly, walking around the table as I put my plastic bag there to pull out everything I bought.

After work, I decided to do some shopping to get my mind off things. I loved shopping.

"This is for you!" I smiled and pulled a jumper out of the bag, showing it to him.

It was a multi coloured jumper with both thick and thin horizontal stripes. The colours were warmer. They were different shades of brown and when I saw it, I could immediately see Fred wearing it.

"You got me clothes?" He asked, his smile growing wider as he took the jumper to hold it out in front of him and look at it.

"I also got you this." I said, pulling out a dark red button-up shirt with thin white vertical stripes going down the fabric.

Fred chuckled and put the jumper down to look at the shirt.

"You're spoiling me, Kai Brooks."

I shrugged, pulling out something for George as well.

"This made me think of you." I said and he turned to look at me.

I handed him the jumper that I had found for him. Horizontal stripes as well, but this one was just two different shades of green.

"Thank you." George chuckled and pulled me in for a hug before Fred did the same thing.

"Guess you're my sugar mummy or something, eh?" He whispered, resting his forehead against mine.

I stared up at him, smiling softly before I lifted my chin to catch his lips in a short kiss.

"I'm gonna take a shower." I announced before pecking Fred's cheek, then making my way out into the bathroom.

Just one shower and then I could go to bed.

I hadn't had any breakfast. The only food I had consumed today was breakfast which Fred basically shoved down my throat.

Though I didn't care that I hadn't eaten lunch or dinner.

I didn't have an appetite.

I wasn't hungry.