Toxin (Rainbow Six Siege X OC)

Chapter 50: Free man, or felon

Alex's POV:

I opened my eyes to a shining morning. Meg was still sleeping soundly under my arm. She was sleeping so peacefully, so.. beautiful. I looked at the clock and saw it was almost 8am. I decided against waking her up for now. Today is the day. Probably a fateful day. Harry and I tried to prepare for this day, but with everything we went over, every file and piece of paper he flipped through, every question he asked and every answer I gave, there's just the feeling that we hadn't done enough. I still get the feeling we're not ready

It's crazy, you know. I've been trained under scarce circumstances that have shaped me to be who I am today. The Perfect Soldier. The Soldier who can defy everything in war. The Soldier who can shift the tides of war into whoever's favor he wants. The Soldier, who can take up the role of any soldier, who can take up what ever task they throw at him

The thing is.. That's not me. I was never a 'perfect soldier' Travis, Henry, John, Mj, Even Oliver... they were The Perfect Soldiers. They followed their orders to the letter, didn't ever question anything they were tasked with, never letting their emotions get in the way. I was never like them. Wish I had, but I never was. Probably what got me into this situation in the first place

What if I was ? What if I was ruthless, merciless, heartless, the monster everyone thinks I am, who uses inhumane methods against his enemies, who uses their own fear against them: Toxin, the monster everyone sees. Would everything had turned out differently ? I became a soldier for one reason, a reason that was so fucking important to me to the point where I forgot about it halfway through fighting everything they threw at us: To be proud of everything I ever done. Just like Grandpa

Man... I remember the smile he had when he told me his stories back when I was a kid. He was so proud of himself, he served his country, so proud of the lives he saved as a soldier. I wanted to be like that. To be proud of everything I did, just like he was proud of everything he did. That's a question I need an answer for

Am I proud ? After everything that went down. Am I proud of myself just like Grandpa ? I still-

Meghan: "I am" she said from under my arm, staring at me

"What ?"

Did she read my thoughts or something ?

Meghan: "you zoned out" she simply answered

"Yeah, today's the day where I go to jail or not. A man thinks about shit like that when in my shoes, y'know ?" I joked

Meghan: "don't bullshit me, Alex" she shifted her position

I didn't know what to say, so I just kept gazing

Meghan: "I know what you were thinking about. Didn't I tell you a very important thing the day we shut down The White Masks for good ?" Operation Clear Sky. Yeah, yeah, I remember

Meghan: "I told you I was proud of you. You don't have to be proud of yourself because I'm proud of you. Doesn't matter what happens, I'll always be proud of you" she said with a smile, I smiled aswell.

I held my hand to her cheek, and went for the lips. It was soft, and it was long. I pulled away and stared at her

"How'd you know I was thinking about that ?" I asked with surprise

Meghan: "I know you. I know the things that matter to you, including when you told me that you wanted to be just like your Grandfather. That's why you enlisted"  she shrugged at her last sentence

"Then you obviously know one more thing that matters to me, or someone"

Meghan: "obviously" she laid further back on the bed and kept her eyes on me with a smile