The Hidden Servant

Chapter Fourty-Five: Regret (4)

(Part 4 of 4)
Recap: I look at the food, then at the book that's to the side. I need to distract myself. I can't. I can't focus on anything. I vigorously tap my finger against the wood of my bedside table. I tap it faster as my blood continues to boil over. I can't express how infuriated I am right now.
Why won't he eat? Why won't he listen now? He's not speaking? He can talk now. I sighed. "Didn't I just say get out of LaLa land Damnit?!" I raised my voice. I'm not trying to yell at him but he won't listen. I'm glancing towards his direction as he looks at me then away quickly. He's ignoring me?? Is he really ignoring me right now?? Why do you disobey? Who do you think you are?? As I feel like I'm doing so much you don't even give a rats ass?!
"What the fuck is going on in your head?!" I slammed my fist against the bedside as the plate clattered slightly. ANSWER ME! WHY DO YOU IGNORE?!
He says nothing. He keeps his eyes to the floor. I can't. Why?
"Use your fucking words! And would you eat already?! I'm not going to wait here and baby you anymore!"
He gasped, and held his breath. He does as much to not speak to me? Holy- I'm going to lose my mind. I'm losing my mind. Listen to me Damnit! Why am I doing so much!?
I want to scream at him, he's not listening.
I look at the food. It's not even worth trying anymore. I went out of my way to do nothing for him. I haven't done a thing. He's ignoring me- he hates me? He doesn't know a thing I've done for him.
FUCK!
I swiped the plate off the bedside as it hit the floor and shattered.
It's no good anyways the food is old.
"Fucking starve then!!"
I'll have to get him something to eat for lunch since he won't fucking eat right now.
I stomp into the bathroom and slam the door.
I need to isolate myself.
—

I start a cold shower. I take my cape off and throw it to the side. I don't bother taking the rest off. I stepped into the cold immediately. It's not helping. I need to give it time. I can't get my mind to calm, my heart is pounding. I know my face is beat red
I know my veins are bulging. I'm going to kill. I stand in the cold for what seemed like awhile, it doesn't work. My mind is racing. This isn't helping. It's pissing me off more. I don't want to be around Deku like this. I can't. I will hurt him. Verbally, mentally, physically: I don't know. But I don't want it to happen. I can't. He's all I got right now. Holy fuck I'm out of my mind. He's just a servant- No! He's my servant.
But he won't listen!
I punch the shower wall as the tiles crack. I punch again, and again. Nothing seizing this feeling. I don't want to hurt him, I have no drive to hurt Izuku. I won't. But he's scared of me right now, so what's the difference?!
GOD FUCKING DAMNIT!
No wonder he's afraid of me. I'm a shit show!
Once more I punch. Nothing. I try and make the water colder. Nothing.
There's nothing I can do.
What is wrong with me.
Nothing,
Nothing,
Nothing,
Nothing.
Everything.
I look at the wall, a few tiles are.. yeah there's no hiding those.. plus there's red.
I look at my fist as it starts to swell. It aches, there's multiple cuts along my knuckles and the top of my fingers. I'm bleeding quite a bit. Doesn't matter.
Id rather see red come from me right now than anyone else. Maybe the princess.. yes the princess. I can't though..
Fuck. Thinking about her pisses me off more. Holy shit I need an exorcist..
I press my forehead against the tiles.

This cold water isn't helping.. I can't have Deku near me. He needs to find something else to do until I calm down.
I've yelled at him too much..
I do it all the time, I need to stop. Can I?
Changing is.. god what is the matter with me..
He probably hates me again. When will he speak to me again? It's so understandable. I'm so terrible to him all the time. He probably would never have guessed I've been trying while he does his own thing with the princess. He's just being nice- he's too nice.. I can't express it any other way- it's weak- I'm not weak. I'm being weak. I hate myself.
Deku is going to just disappear from me and I won't know what to do with myself. I'm making too many mistakes. I'm allowed to- but it feels so terrible.
I'm so terrible. This entire time I've been the problem. I know it and I can't mentally accept it. I need to fix my shit. How can I say I'm helping him if I'm hurting him aswell. God I'm a piece of shit-.. How do I fix this?..
I punch the wall once more, i wince as the pain shoots up my arm. I deserve it. One more.. I do it again, harder; knowing it would do nothing- This pain is unbearable- I don't care. It's bearable. I'm not weak.
I rinse my hand in the cold water. It's so painful, but right now, anything to get this fury out. The bleeding doesn't stop. It's ok. I turn the shower off with my left hand.
I feel sick.
I get out, I'm dripping everywhere. I walk towards the door and open it with my right, pain shoots up my arm, "FUCK!-"
I kicked the door open and doubled over grabbing my wrist.
Holy shit!
I fucked up.