Jeongin was wide awake. Lost in thought as he laid in the arms that belonged to Chan. He didn't want to move, even if his grib was suffocating his body. He wanted to be close to the man, inhale his cologne. He was scared and he still felt lonely. Like there was something missing. He wished so deeply that none of this ever happened to him. That he could have lived the past 4 years if his life in peace. He wanted to experience everything other people had, but he figured that wasn't the life for him anymore.
Even if the men hurted him all over again, they still embraced him with warm arms. And that simple gesture was enough to make him satisfied. It was all he needed, reassurance. He was a simple boy, hit him, he'd get hurt, hug him, he'd forgive you.
He didn't want to upset anyone, he just wanted his voice to be heard, he wanted the stars to shine their focus on him, let him speak about everything he wanted. He wanted all of that without being scolded, physically and emotionally hurt in the process. But that wasn't an option neither.
He remembered how he acted in impulse that day, where everything was supposed to return to normal, even though fate had other plans. The adrenaline he felt, the guilt and shame that stuck to his heart till he couldn't breathe properly. He had to leave someone behind in order to get back what he loved.
Even though his apologies wouldn't ever be enough, he wished to whisper them to each person he met in his life. Especially his mother..he was so caught up in what was taken from him, to even realise he took something more important from her. And he couldn't get rid of the soul that reminded him that constantly, and he wasn't planning on neither.
He wondered if his father would ever move forward. Having no wife to kiss him on the cheek each morning, with freshly baked scones. With no 16 year old son with great accomplishments, cheering up his grumpy mood in the morning. His father would be the left remainings of his family and bloodline standing, with free access to anything he'd want, except for a wife and child that he loved dearly. He couldn't help but to think about the pain the man must be feeling once he realizes his alone..completely alone.
If somebody's story is more tragic, he purely believed it was his father's. The pain and grief, the loneliness he'd had to face. It wasn't fair to him.
And all Jeongin could do, was to cry in misery. Holding himself accountable for his own actions, even if it hurted to admit that it was his fault.
He wanted so much, even if he achieved everything within such a short span of his life. Maybe that was the reason he was taken away. He succeeded too much, he probably wouldn't have more accomplishments and experiences to face in the future ahead of him. So the universe twisted the fate of his life to make sure everything felt like an accomplishment, when he behaved and listened.
Was that fair?
He had given up, he wasn't going to betray anyone anymore. He let Chan and Seungmin have him.
Cause if he had to be honest. He was just an object now. A thing to tolerate a form into a pleasurable desire. His voice wouldn't be known to anyone, his face would be twisted into bad luck as soon as someone meant it. He was the black sheep in the family, always the unlucky and untrustworthy one.
There wasn't much to do anymore. His days would continue in hell, a living nightmare, but still see parts of heaven on special occasions.
The coffee shop wasn't meant to be. He wouldn't ever be able to build one on his own, which he dreamed so badly about. He wasn't able to kiss Hyunjin goodbye, or leave a single message thanking him for everything. Chaewon remained distant in the past, he didn't really talk that much with her. His mother was resting, and his father was oh so going to lonely.
And he was nothing but a thing to us now.
Jeongin do this.
Jeongin do that.
That was what he would be addressed from now on, with harsh words and rough treatment. With acceptable and unacceptable desires, lust and want.
The wrath and rage within him.
The sorrows.
He was piling up like could snow, that would burn withing seconds of contact.
Was he really the villain of his own story. Was he the one ruining everything? Letting everything fall into ruins.
His heart couldn't hold that guilt. He was like a stranger to himself.
So impacful af first glance, yet so known as soon as he opens his mouth.
Lies and truth turning into hatred and loving. Though he fell inlove with the lies, and hated the truth. He let himself drown in what felt like pure love, but I reality was a cruel lie. And he kept himself away from the cruel truth, even though it was the gate to such a beautiful experience.
He learned a lesson today.
Never..ever, turn your back to the truth, just because the lies were more comforting. Cause in the end, you'd get hurt, and others would laugh at your misery.
His misery was fun and enjoyable, his love was like glass, so see-through and sharp once broken.
But...life is never about the experience..it's about life, just life. Life is filled with experiences anyways, so why look so forward to them. Life is life, you get born, you play around, you fall inlove, get hurt, gets cured, makes a family, grow old, and die in a pretty wooden box.
Life was just that.
"Why aren't you sleeping".
He turned his head upwards looking up at Chan with tears down his cheeks, shining like small crystals illuminated by the moonlight. But inreality they only shined brightly because his pain needed to be seen. Though it would be constantly ignore.
He smile briefly, shaking his head.
"I'm scared I'll wake up again". ___________________________
The End.
So that's concludes this book! I really hope you enjoyed reading, even despite the gruesome topics within this book.
And of course, as always, I have a book prepared. I was originally going to show the cover in the last chapter, but it wouldn't work out :(.
So I hope the chapter would be shown here, if not, I'll cry :).
My next book will be named "Blunt".
The ship is still something I'm working on! But I do have the first chapter down, I might actually rewrote some parts so I'm completely satisfied with it!
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