Europa

April 16, 2054

 I have worked to not feel guilty about the ice quakes. While I wonder if there is something I could have done better I do not hold myself responsible for those ice quakes. Miller is having a lot of trouble accepting the loss of Adams without blaming herself. Knowing how much she did for me after my loss of Richard I am trying to make sure I am available for her as she tries to find peace with what happened.

"It should have been me," she told me when I finally asked her what was on her mind at lunch. She has hardly spoken at all since it happened. "It would have been better if I was the one that died."

I tried to cut her off before she continued to think like that, but I felt it was better for her to say it out loud and get it all out in the open. I know better than anyone that stopping someone from saying something doesn't mean they are not thinking it. She vented about how it was her turn to check on the drill that morning and how she allowed Adams to take that shift because she was feeling groggy. From there she speculated that perhaps if she had not waited the first night and created a pulley system right away then maybe Adams could have been saved. She was in command, it was her rescue plan, it was understandable why she felt so much pressure.

I assured her as someone who was there that there was nothing further, we could have done to pull him up, but she couldn't accept that. The call to sleep the night was understandable. After a long day of stress, we were bound to make a mistake and we had already exerted so much energy getting Adams more water. Maybe it was a bad call-in hindsight, but it was important to remember she made it after we worked all day trying to brainstorm a method to safely remove him from the chasm.

We both knew the risk of pulling him out of there. We'd both nearly died in there with him in our attempts to rescue him. Honestly, I think it was our attempt to save him that further broke the ice. The time that we waited to act had allowed him to stay on the line with me and write a note with his family. Also, when we went to bed that night, we had not left him alone. Lee had taken the time to evaluate the situation while Adams did what he could to get some rest, because he was also exhausted.

I truly believe he was doomed the moment he fell between the cracks in the ice. I was not just saying it to make Miller feel better. It didn't matter. Nothing I could say would convince Miller that the death of Adams was not on her hands.

For the first time since we'd met shed broken down into tears. Even when Richard passed, she had been able to hold her composure. After a few minutes of bargaining to herself she looked at me and asked, "Why am I the one that's still alive."

It was a question that came from a dark place within Miller. Sure, she had a will to survive this mission, but it was clear that she valued other members of the team's lives more than her own. Miller Adams was a dad. His loss affected that little girl, and the wife he had waiting for him at home. She questioned if it would have been better off if it was her who had fallen through the ice. As she put it "there would be no one at home to reach out to. It would just be simpler."

That is a dangerous way to think out here. Again, I do not believe in a God, but I told her that perhaps God has his reasons. Personally, I could never understand what valid reason there would be for taking a man like Adams away like that. It's one of the main reasons I could never get behind religion.