ALANA

69

ALANA

Pain.

Clear as day, sheer, painful, pain.

It is all I feel.

As I lay in his bed, surrounded by his sheets that smell just like him, all I can feel is my heart ache.

From the jeer at my honor, my credibility, at my sole effort to be loyal, all of it, dirtied and reduced to nothing but a facade and mockery.

Nothing else he could've done would have broken me quite like the accusation of being unfaithful to him did.

Nothing more painful could've been said than the words he spoke.

Our relationship was nothing but misunderstanding each other. We take one step in the right direction and then everything goes spiraling into chaos.

We were never supposed to be together. We are too broken to mend a relationship so complicated. I am too broken to try to make this work more than I already have.

If he would be willing to hurt me so much at such a simple mistake than perhaps he had been completely honest with me.

He will never love me. He will never want a relationship and he will never ever want anything that the two of us share.

We are both too young to decide what we do and do not want in life, just from a bad marriage that should have never happened. So there is only one thing left to do.

~

I do not know how long I spend in bed, hiccups wracking my body as I lay lifeless, staring off. When I hear the door being opened roughly, I sit up to see him.

He takes one look at me, his face twisting in anger. I close my eyes, my head pounding from crying so much.

He bangs a few things in the closet, then walks out of it.

"Xander please, you have to let me explain." I ask, standing infront of him. He looks at me, angered eyes staring me down.

"No, I do not need your detailed description to know what a devil woman is." He spits, breaking my soul even more. I look down, tears slipping out. He knocks my shoulder with his, pushing me out of the way as he slams the door on his way out.

My vision blurs with fresh tears as I feel my heart break and yearn for someone who does not and will never want anything to do with me.

I feel bile rise up in my throat so I sprint to the bathroom, throwing up the breakfast mama had forcefully fed me while I had cried.

I wipe my mouth when I am done, my brain fuzzy from the discomfort, pain now spreading through my body.

~

It has been a whole day.

I have not seen Ares. Only once when he came in yesterday evening and I begged him to talk but he shunned me. I haven't left the room after and he hasn't come in. I just woke up, looking at the time to see that it is 8 in the morning.

I slowly sit up, noticing that I had fallen asleep on the floor next to the couch. I groan at the slight pain in my abdomen. My period is late. It should have started two days ago but it hasn't, perhaps it is going to now. I know that stress can delay it.

I rub my eyes, walking to the bathroom. I do my routine, crying in the shower, then coming out sniffling. I change, dreading what I had told myself I would do today. The very thing I convinced myself to do till late last night.

Once I change into a calf length black dress and some black flats. I leave my hair down to dry and walk out into the room.

As I am tidying up around the coffee table, I hear the door open. Ares comes walking in, looking at me once before walking straight into the closet.

I sigh, tired of the cycle of begging him to talk and him brushing me off. I quickly finish tidying up, sitting on the edge of the sofa, fiddling around with my hands.

He walks out, going straight for the door but I stop him.

"Can we please talk? We can't just not speak, you have to let me atleast tell you what happened, please Ares." I plead.

"Don't fucking call me that." he says icily, making chills run up my spine. "I am busy, I have to go to work." he says, slamming the door on his way out.

I feel tears of frustration gather in my eyes again and I sniffle, sitting down onto the couch, looking at the page I wrote on the previous night. The page I planned his freedom on.

My day goes by in a blur, mama's comforting voice and Isla's smile of innocence my only relief. I had not told Isla anything so pretending that nothing was wrong for a while was nice.

It was now 5 in the evening and I had just come upstairs to Ares' room because I felt nauseous.

I knew why I felt sick. The thought of not being dependent on someone, of taking control of my life for the first time was nerve wrecking, nothing scared me more.

But it had to be done. Not only for me but for Ares too. He deserved to live without someone holding him back. Without having to worry about having a liability. Or a burden.

When he entered the room, just as I was convincing myself to do it, it felt like a sign and I knew I had to do it now or I would loose the courage to.

He was disheveled, hair a mess, his shirt crumpled and a few splatters of blood. I felt my nausea return but I did not dare ask about it as he ignored me, besides a single glance, going to the bathroom.

I sat there, nervous of his reaction and the outcome. I could not tell if this was the right decision but I am doing what I think is right, for the both of us.