Diaries :Journey from hatred to love

Zaroon 02 January

Bohot badi galti ki hai maine aj. Par aisa toh main kayi bar kar chuka hoon magar aaj mujhe me ehsas e jurm kyu paida hogaya hai?
Shayad yeh ammi ki baaton ka hi asar hain. Nahi karna chahiye tha mujhe aisa. Galti uski thi aur woh maafi bhi mang rahi thi magar maine theek nahi kiya. Us hisab se toh main hi mujrim hua. Ammi mujhe maaf nahi karengi. Wada kiya tha maine unse ki aise dukh pohnchane wale kaam main kabhi nahi karunga.
Dimag phir gaya tha mera jab maine dekha ki usne galat files ko transfer kar diye hai. Baat legal kagaz pattar ki nahi hoti toh main kabhi nahi chilata. Jis tarah main uske pas cheenkthe huye gaya ab uske bare mein soch kar ehsas-e-jurm to hoga hi. Agar shayad use maine aisi hi dant apne cabin main lagai hoti toh mujhe itna bura nahi lagta. Us samay woh cafeteria mein thi. Sab ke samne maine uske izzat ki dhajjiya uda di. Yakeenan agar ye pehle ka waqt hota toh mujhe koi afsos nahi hota. Main khud ko shabashi deta magar ab baat kuch aur hai. Usne jaan bujh ke toh aise nahi kiya hoga aur agar karti toh maafi kabhi bhi nahi mangti.
"Ms.Kashaf Murtuza ap yaha aram se coffee pee rahi hai. Apko andaza bhi hai apne kya himakat ki hai?"
"Kaunsi himakat?"
Apne kursi se khade hote huye usne pucha.
"Khud dekh lo."
Yeh kehti hi maine apne haath ke documents uske muh pe de mare. Zillat ka ehsas uske chehre se zahir tha. Documents dekh kar usne asmanjas mein meri taraf dekha.
"Sir yeh maine kaise kar diya mujhe koi andaza nahi hai."
"Koi andaza nahi hai?Tumhe pata hai humare office ka license cancel ho sakta hai.Tumse aisi umeed nahi thi mujhe."
Woh wahi baith gayi aur larkharati hui awaz me usne kaha
"Sir Mujhe maaf kar dein. I am sorry."
"Hell with your.."
Main apne jumle ko pura nahi kar paya uske ankho se tapakte hue ansuon ko dekh kar. Main chup hogaya aur waha se chala gaya. Ammi ki ankhon me bhi kuch aise hi ansu hua karte the, Bachpan ki dhundli yadon me. Maine humesha ammi se zikr kiya tha ki mujhe unka rota hua chehra yaad ata hai. Magar woh humesha meri baat ko ek bura sapna ya imagination bata kar tal deti thi. Magar ab toh sari sachayi mere samne hai. Main nahi chahta ki kisi ke ansuon ka karan banu. Allah shayad mujhe maaf kar dega lekin Kashaf nahi karegi yakeen hai mujhe.Phir bhi main kal usse maafi manunga. Sabke samne toh nahi par manunga zarur. Shayad isse hi mera sukun laut aye aur sirf is baat ke liye hi nahi har us baat ke liye maafi manunga jisse use takleef hui hai mere hawale se.