Primrose | REVIEW SHOP [ OPEN ]

✦ { Fuzzi } SURVIVAL

Client: 0bsidianQu33n

Reviewer: fuzziwrites

Title + Book Cover: 4/5

The title SURVIVAL is eye-catching and effective in its simplicity.

Overall, the cover works, although the text could stand out more with higher contrast. Another possible improvement is making the hole in the glass where the girl's left eye brighter than the rest of the background, making it the most eye-catching part of the cover.

Blurb: 4.5/5

The blurb sets an intense tone and raises curiosity about Zarya's imagination putting her in danger. The grammar is solid, with only a small correction (removing the comma after "the world she lived in"). Content warnings are clear and helpful.

Introduction: how well do the first three chapters hook me in? In the case of short stories/anthologies, it would be the first chapter/scene of each individual story 6.5/10

The story picks up once Julio's confrontation with Vera resets, but the opening breakfast scene drags before reaching this hook. Adding subtle hints of emotional control earlier would strengthen intrigue. Perspective shifts between Vera and Zarya mid-scene are jarring—scene dividers would help. Infodumps also disrupt pacing and weaken mystery; weaving details in naturally would keep readers engaged (more on this in the Plot Structure section).

Worldbuilding: 5/10

You've created a concept with a lot of potential, and the strongest aspect right now is the core premise: a society that suppresses emotions to maintain order and "perfection." That said, the worldbuilding as it stands feels a little thin and occasionally inconsistent. For example, you've told me that society suppresses emotions so that their world can be perfect with no dangers, but the why behind that is still vague.

Another example is that Execute is creating soldiers through traumatic simulations, but trauma affects people in unpredictable ways—it can just as easily shatter someone completely. More importantly, why is creating soldiers even necessary when society is able to hard reset its residents' emotions directly and Execute is able to control people's movements directly?

Another practical detail that needs adjustment is the number of volts described. Single digit volts administered from a shock collar wouldn't even be felt by a human, even if she's a child.

Essentially, there's one thing to keep in mind: readers are quick to spot gaps in logic. Questioning your worldbuilding and doing research to factcheck what you write is integral to making your world feel more believable.

Characters: 6/10

Zarya: she reads more like a modern child who's been dropped into the world of SURVIVAL, rather than someone raised in this society. For example, her shocked reaction to the teacher's harshness towards her imagination in Chapter 1: if she truly never expected that response, it suggests her imagination has never gotten her in trouble before that day. But if imagination has always been frowned upon, and that day wasn't her first day of school, why would she suddenly decide to voice her thoughts now? Adding in subtle cues—like habits, small thoughts, or reflexes that show she's internalized the rules of her society—would help her feel more authentic.

Vera: her backstory is intriguing, being a mother who's hiding her daughter from a powerful organization, while secretly being the creator of a simulation that the organization relies on. However, her actions don't fully reflect that potential yet. Her interactions with Zarya often feel generic, unbefitting of a mother carrying such a heavy secret. Especially if you wish to write from her POV, we should be able to glimpse her anxiety, her carefulness, or the ways she might try to overcompensate with normalcy.

Other characters: for the most part, they come across as a little too over the top. For example, the extreme way Julio conveys his desperation to Vera doesn't quite make sense given that he's approached her before. It also leaves me wondering why Vera would still be engaging with him at all. The teacher's crash out towards Zarya also feels exaggerated; it doesn't read like a reaction that an adult would remotely be having. With some refining, these characters could feel both believable and memorably unsettling.

Plot structure: how does everything come together in the narrative? Does it make sense? /10

For the most part, the story doesn't feel too intense—though I'll note that I have a high tolerance for violence. That said, the violence can come across as "violent for the sake of it," which risks disengagement.

The pacing is also disrupted by sudden worldbuilding infodumps. I'd recommend either weaving it more organically into the story or withholding the information until a later point altogether. A good test to apply is: Is this information necessary for the reader to know right now? and Would giving this away now spoil some of the mystery? In a few cases (like when the chapter stops to explain that imagination is frowned upon in "this world"), I felt that the mystery was spoiled by too much explanation.

There are also some perspective issues. For example, SURVIVAL begins with Vera's POV, then jumps to Zarya's perspective without any scene break, and later shifts right back with no scene break again. Without dividers or clear transitions, these jumps can be confusing. Anchoring us more firmly in one character's viewpoint per scene could increase immersion.

Finally, Zarya's kidnapping seems disconnected: the synopsis says it's because she voiced her imagination, but the text suggests Execute planned it regardless. Tying her revealing her imagination more directly to the kidnapping would raise stakes and show real consequences.

Grammar: 6.5/10

Main issues include:

Dialogue: tags after dialogue shouldn't be capitalized; periods should often be commas.

Incorrect: "I don't know." She said.

Correct: "I don't know," she said.

Fragments and run-ons: a number of sentence fragments appear, as well as some cases where two sentences were accidentally joined mid-thought without proper separation. Consider reviewing each sentence carefully to ensure it is complete, or if intentional fragments are used, that they clearly serve a stylistic purpose.

Sentence mechanics: some fragments, run-ons, and abrupt cutoffs.

Typos: a few sentences begin without capitalization. Some sentences end abruptly without punctuation.. In Chapter 6, "Serena" appears randomly, seemingly in place of Zarya.

Show, don't tell: much of the writing hinges on telling the reader how characters feel rather than allowing those emotions to come through in their actions, dialogue, or body language. For example, instead of directly stating "Vera was angry," you could show her slamming her fists against the table or snapping at someone. These small demonstrations immerse the reader more effectively and create a stronger emotional connection.

There are promising moments where showing does appear—for instance, the abrupt ending of Julio and Vera's conversation creates tension without spelling it out. Expanding on moments like these would strengthen the storytelling.

Formatting: I liked the use of bolded, center-aligned words—they read like commentary, maybe even the chip's voice, which is a unique and memorable touch. At times they felt a bit off-topic, but overall they're a strong, standout feature.

Personal enjoyment: 4/5

Overall, this was a fun and engaging read, and I truly appreciate the effort and imagination you put into it, as well as the courage to share it online. I'm aware my scores were quite strict, and that I've written a lot for you to consider, but all of it comes from a place of wanting to highlight where your writing can grow stronger.

The premise of one's imagination being seen as dangerous is intriguing, and there were moments that genuinely drew me in. At the same time, I feel it could shine even more with some extra polishing, especially in areas where the logic between events, within the world, or character motivations could be made clearer. I'm excited to see how this piece develops with revision, and I'll be looking forward to any future works you decide to share!