Primrose | REVIEW SHOP [ OPEN ]

✦ { Mads } Four Girls to Rule the World!

Client: K_InBliss

Reviewer: CrownedMadness

SUMMARY:

Nancy, Mackie, Vex, and Ali—four best friends, known as the QueenS, rule the small town of Benta. But when a murder shakes their world, the girls grapple with suspicion and danger, especially when the murderer may be one of them. Things get even more complicated when the Martinez Boys return to town, determined to catch their father's murderer.

PLOT:

Combining the "popular girls" and "hot boys" within a murder mystery backdrop is kind of a fresh approach to these teen fiction tropes. It'd be interesting (and challenging) to explore the small-town and popular clique stereotypes, whether they are perpetuated or subverted with new twists.

The dynamics between the four best friends (the strengths and weaknesses of their relationship) and the unexpected return of the "Martinez Boys" have the potential for drama and mystery. The murder and the revelation that the murderer is one of the girls add an extra layer of tension and intrigue. Overall, if skillfully executed, the plot has the potential to keep readers on the edge of their seats.

The blurb needs some improvements. Although intriguing, it lacks clarity and structure, making it a bit difficult to understand on the first read. The introduction of the four girls is a good starting point, but the blurb becomes convoluted as it progresses. I'd suggest keeping the starting and then hinting at the essence of the murder, followed by connecting it to the "Martinez Boys" to provide more clarity. As it stands, the mention of the "Martinez Boys" feels abrupt, prompting "who are they?". Also, some grammar and odd capitalization in the blurb need cleaning up.

PROSE:

The narrative is simple but requires proofreading for grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that disrupt the reading experience. (I will go further into this under the Grammar section.)

Now, there's an imbalance in the showing vs. telling. The writing relies heavily on "telling," such as explicitly stating the characters' traits instead of letting their actions, dialogue, and thoughts reveal them. For example, the description of "Mackie Williams, the hot, popular, ginger bombshell and the biggest drama queen of the town, winked her heavy eyeshadowed/fakelashed but absolutely stunning baby blue eyes at her from the seat beside" is intended for a comedic effect, I think, but feels mouthful and info-dumping. Instead, using active descriptions would have been more natural and showing. Regardless, I must also say there were some neat portrayals, like the emotional scene of Vex coming home in Chapter 3.

There's also a tendency to switch between script format and narrative format in your writing. For example, you use asterisks to indicate details, like "*Havana By Camila Cabello playing in the background*" instead of incorporating them as a description. Also, the "character name:" format is used for dialogues instead of incorporating action or dialogue tags. For instance, in Chapter 2:

Mackie: "Your song was wrong!"

Vex: "No, Mam, your cheerleading dolls were too delicate to dance on it!"

I understand that you're using the script format for mostly events that occur outside the girl's periphery. For example, *somewhere in the dark the camera clicks* in Chapter 1. However, using an omniscient POV would have allowed you to use a narrator's voice and avoid the need for the script format, which may also complement your telling-heavy writing style. I'd suggest analyzing the scope of your story to determine which POV would best suit the story you want to tell. Then, make adjustments accordingly.