Primrose | REVIEW SHOP [ OPEN ]

✦ { Cyian } Strangers | Poetry

Client: daisy101202

Reviewer: iburnrice

Thank you for giving me the chance to review your story. I apologize in advance if any of what will be said comes off as rude or hurtful. It was never my intention ❤️

Note: I don't have an actual criteria for poetry, so I'm going to read it one poem at a time and give a detailed review on each one.

Hollow

1. Imagery: Your use of imagery is vivid and evocative. Phrases like "pouring rain," "clouds of mist," and "night full of stars" create strong visual scenes that draw the reader in.

2. Emotional Depth: The poem conveys a deep sense of introspection and longing. The contrast between the natural elements and the speaker's internal state adds layers of meaning.

3. Structure: The poem's structure, with its short, impactful lines, helps to emphasize the emotions and imagery.

Areas for Improvement:

1. Consistency in Tone: While the poem is reflective, the tone shifts slightly between hope and despair. This can be powerful, but ensuring a smoother transition between these emotions might enhance the overall flow.

2. Clarity of Theme: The poem touches on various themes such as nature, hope, and longing. Clarifying the central theme or weaving these themes together more cohesively could strengthen the impact.

3. Word Choice: Some phrases could be more precise to enhance the imagery. For example, "the thread of colors brought by the clouds after hours" could be rephrased for clarity and impact.

4. Punctuation and Line Breaks: Adjusting punctuation and line breaks can improve readability and rhythm. For instance, breaking lines at natural pauses can help maintain the flow and emphasize key points.

Specific Suggestions:

- Second Stanza:

- "I look at the thread of colors brought by the clouds after hours to see a ray of hope in the different panes."

- This could be more concise:

- "I see threads of color,

Clouds parting after hours,

Rays of hope in window panes."

- Final Stanza:

- "I look at the night full of stars to feel hollow with my scars for is the desire to feel something too much to ask."

- Breaking it up for clarity and impact:

- "I look at the night full of stars,

Feel hollow with my scars.

Is the desire to feel something

Too much to ask?"

Words He Utters

1. Emotional Depth: Your poem captures a wide range of emotions, from longing and confusion to warmth and bittersweet acceptance. This emotional complexity makes the poem relatable and engaging.

2. Imagery and Sensory Details: The use of sensory details like "sense his warmth" and "sound of his pace" helps to create a vivid and immersive experience for the reader.

3. Ambiguity and Complexity dry: The poem's exploration of ambiguous relationships adds depth. The uncertainty about whether the person is a brother, friend, or lover keeps the reader intrigued and reflective.