To the moon || Luke Hemmings

Chapter 51

I sniffled, looking at the little coffin in front of us.
You could barely even call it a coffin since it was so small.
We watched it as it sank down into the ground and I let out yet another sob.
Holding onto Luke's hand tightly until I couldn't bear to look anymore and turned around, throwing myself in Luke's arms and hiding my face in his shoulder.
I forced myself to take deep breaths, trying to keep myself calm but with every breath I took I saw her eyes looking straight in mine, her little fingernails, the way she yawned, the way her diaper was too big for her.
I just kept seeing her.
After a while, Ashton, Calum and Michael left the graveyard, giving us some time alone.
Taking another deep breath, I lifted my head off Luke's shoulder and looked at the coffin.
Shaking my head lightly, I looked at Luke, only to see his tearstained cheeks and bloodshot eyes.
'How are we going to do this?' I mumbled through heavy breaths.
'How are we going to leave Perth? I can't just leave her behind here' I said, clutching Luke's shirt in my hand tightly.
Luke shook his head, still staring at the coffin.
'I don't know' He mumbled quietly, fresh tears soundlessly rolling down his cheeks.
Luke slowly turned his head around to face me.
He tried to smile, to make me feel a little better, but he just ended up shaking his head again, while more tears rolled down his cheeks.
He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me in a hug, no longer able to stop his sobs from leaving his throat.
'I'm so sorry,' I cried, wrapping my arms around his neck tightly.
'I'm so sorry I couldn't take better care of her'
Luke shook his head but didn't have the energy to lift it up.
'You did everything within your power to take care of her V, don't blame yourself' he said, his voice a little raspy from all the crying.
I didn't reply.
I knew he meant it. I knew that he didn't blame me for anything and I knew that I probably shouldn't blame myself either, but after shortly glancing to my right, I couldn't help but do it anyway.
If I would've listened more to the guys when they told me to stay in bed or if I would not have done any heavy lifting at the beginning of my pregnancy, if I would not have gone on this road trip than maybe, just maybe, she would still be inside my belly right now.
Right where she was actually still supposed to be.
'I don't think I can leave her here' I mumbled, my voice just above a whisper.
Luke took a deep breath and slowly lifted his head off my shoulder.
He swallowed and slowly let his eyes trail from my chin up to my eyes.
He sniffled and bit his lip to keep more tears from streaming down his face.
'We have to' he whispered, carefully wiping the tears off my cheeks.
I nodded, resting my head against his chest as we both looked at her resting place.
'You know,' Luke said after a few minutes. 'She might have only been in our lives for 2 days, but knowing her for those days was the best thing that happened to me since I met you'
I lifted my head up to look at him, tears rolling down his cheeks again.
I nodded in agreement and sighed 'I just don't understand why we only got 2 days' I said.
'Me neither.' Luke replied before we fell in another silence.
We stood there for about 15 minutes longer. We didn't say anything because there was nothing left to say for us.
'I think we should go' Luke mumbled quietly.
Making my heart drop and the tears form in my eyes again.
This was our moment to say goodbye.
We were leaving our baby behind on the opposite side of the country, we couldn't quickly stop by and check up on her because driving from Sydney to Perth would take hours.
Luke took my hand in his as we looked at her one last time, one more minute.
He took a deep breath beside me and slowly started walking to the side, leading me with him, away from Lilly.
I wanted to stop him, stop the both of us from walking any further.
I wanted to scream and cry and sit down on the ground.
I was willing to sit in front of her grave until my own body gave up on me, but I didn't do anything.
Letting Luke take me back to the car, all I could do was cry and squeeze his hand tighter and tighter the further we walked away from her.
I took one last look behind me and made another attempt at wiping away my tears.
Promising myself that I would come back to visit her when she should've been turning 1 year old next year, I turned away and took a deep breath before whispering:
'Goodbye Lilly'
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A/N:
I feel so bad why did I ever think this was a good idea :'(