"It's Not Love If It Hurts" //5sos

/189/

  The book ends tonight :(

  When Michael raped Annie the second time, the most recent time, she'd woken up and thought that it was a nightmare. She'd thought that it was another one of her dreams, where she'd wake up and roll over and maybe be a little disoriented, but know that it was just a dream.

  It had shattered her world when she realized it was real.

  After it happened, she had nightmares almost every night, remembering it. She could recal exactly what had happened, exactly how his face looked, the exact shade of red his sweat was as the hair dye dripped into his face. She could recal the way it felt, the shock that traveled up her spine when it finally sunk it, the way it felt when he ran his hand through her hair and answered her silent question aloud.

  "Because I love you."

  He didn't know what love was, and neither did Annie. She figured that after that, she'd never understand what love was, because how can you when something like that happens? But she did.

  Love was a warm breath against hers as she fell asleep. Love was the smell of scrambled eggs, the smell of sweat, the smell of alcohol laced breath, the smell of burgers and fries, the smell of toothpaste after getting ready. Love was a reassuring, a comforting, a joking smile, or an out reached hand that you don't hesitate to grab. Love is happy, love is comfortable, love is caring, love is... well, love.

  Annie had learned that as she fell in love with Calum. She learned that love wasn't what Mikey said it was, it wasn't constant touches and overexcessive jealousy, or orders that had to be followed, or painful touches that left bruises you wanted to hide. She had learnt that it isn't love if it hurts.

  But now, looking out at the clouds and trying to ignore the collective sound of people snoring, Annie realized that maybe that wasn't true.

  She and Calum had been apart for... she couldn't even remember how long. A week? More? And during that time, she realized just how much she needed him.

  Annie could survive without Calum. She could get a different job, live in a different house or apartment, lead a different life without Calum in it, and yes, she would survive. Survival wasn't dependent on early morning breath filled kisses, or late night talks, or having someone to sing with you in the car. So yes, Annie could survive without Calum.

  But living? That was completely different. Annie could survive without Calum, but she didn't want to imagine a world where she was forced to live without him. Because survival is about existing, and existing is easy. But living? Living is hard. Living is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do.

  You chose how you live, and with whom you live, whether it be friends, family, or some people in between. And Annie chose Calum.

  She used to think that it's not love if it hurts, but now... Annie wasn't quite so sure. Because she loved Calum, definitely. And if she loved him, then why did it hurt so much?

  In the past few days, Annie had to learn the difference between living and surviving the hard way. She had to leave Calum, and manage on her own. And honestly?

  It hurt.

  "It's Not Love If It Hurts" is a bunch of B.S. It can't be love without it hurting. Humans naturally care about each other, but love? That's something completely different.

  Being apart for so long hurt. Being away from each other, hurt. All this worry, Annie worrying about how Calum was dealing with Luke and Calum worrying about how Annie was dealing with Nigel- all this worrying was painful and the heartache was constant.

  Because yes, love is scrambled egg breath and shower hair, but it was also worry and guilt and fear. When you care so deeply about another person, how are you expected to not worry about them?

  Annie used to think that it wasn't love if it hurt. But now she realized.

  Love hurts like shit.