"It's Not Love If It Hurts" //5sos

/180/

  "Isn't Liz going to freak out?" Calum wondered aloud, watching as Luke finished stripping to his underwear.

  Luke shrugged. "I've only slept at home practically every other night. Mum's used to it."

  It took Calum a moment to figure out what he meant. "Oh, right, you stayed at Mikey's."

  Luke had been about to get onto the bed with Calum, but froze when he said that. "What do you mean? Did he tell you?"

  Calum smirked. "He didn't have to. You both had that after-sex look. Even Ash noticed."

  Luke cursed quietly, climbing into bed besides Calum, slumping against the headboard and looking at Calum, who was sitting on his pillow. "Do you think mum noticed?"

  "Nah. I only could tell because I know you." Luke snorted, and Calum tried to backtrack. "I mean, I know Liz knows you. Obviously. But I mean.... I don't know."

  They sat in silence for a few moments, Luke playing with the edge of the sheets. "She doesn't know I'm gay."

  "I mean, that's your choice," Calum explained, trying to think of things in a logical order, but it was late and his mind was jumbled. "There's a lot more to you then just the fact that you're gay."

  Shaking his head, Luke pushed himself under Calum's covers, turning away. "Whatever."

  "No, really. You're a singer. You're a musician." Calum leaned back, smiling and looking at the wall, remembering all the good times he and Luke had. "You're funny. And you're an asshole in the morning."

  Luke laughed, finally cracking a smile. "I was so close to feeling better, and you had to ruin it."

  His kiwi friend shrugged, the little smile still playing on his lips. "It's part of you. You are Luke, the asshole with the most twitter followers even though he never posts, the unintentional front man of the band, and an asshole in the morning." He licked his lips, feeling slightly uncomfortable at the situation. Calum didn't know how to be a comforter. He could be Calum, the perverted one, or Calum, the silly one, even Calum, the Asian one. But he didn't know how to be Calum, the serious one.

  But it didn't seem to matter to Luke. He cuddled the pillow under his head, fixing his hair out of habit. "I'm also Luke, the dissappointment."

  At first Calum didn't respond, and Luke thought that maybe his friend wasn't going to argue with him. Did Calum think he was a disappointment too? Luke could somewhat handle his parents and family thinking he was, but not Calum. Not any of the boys really. He could live without his parents belief in him, but he couldn't live without Calum's.

  Calum's voice cut through the dark, damp air like the wind, speaking so softly Luke almost wondered if he was singing. "You think you're a dissapointment?"

  Yes. I'm gay. My mom would only accept me if I was willing to change, which I'm not because I can't control it. It's not even accepted by the fans. Johanna doesn't want me to tell anyone because she knows what it would mean for the band. If that's not a dissappointment, I don't know what is.

  Luke's silence spoke his answer better than he could.

  "You're sexuality isn't your identity. I'm not Bi Calum, I'm just Calum. And you're not Gay Luke, you're just Luke. Sure, you're gay. And maybe not everyone will accept that. But who cares?"

  I do.

  "I do."

  Calum shuffled uncomfortably, not sure what to say. He didn't have a way with words, not like Annie did. Sure, Calum could write songs. But Annie could explain thoughts, could come up with the right words.

  "Name the three most important people in your life," Calum said, finally.

  Luke didn't even have to think. "You, Mikey and Ashton."

  He nodded silently. "And out of those three, how many of them dislike you because you're gay?"

  None of them. When Luke came out to Calum so many years ago, he'd been crying, he'd been shaking, he thought something was wrong with him. Calum told him that there was nothing wrong with it. When he came out to Mikey and Ashton a little while later, he'd been afraid that they would reject him, but they told him the exact same thing.

  "How many of those three people did you disappoint when you came out? Luke, we don't care that you're gay. You're Luke. We'd love you even if you were straight."

  Even if I was straight? It seemed backwards, like it would make more sense for Calum to say 'we love you even though you're gay'. But this way... it made more sense. Instead of implying that being gay was a bad thing, Calum was taking away all negative meaning from the word. In one sentence, Calum put 'gay' and 'straight' on the exact same level.

  And Luke couldn't be more thankful.
  He found himself relaxing into the bed. If you could feel like a color, then Luke felt like a soft periwinkle blue.

  Calum scooted so he was laying down behind Luke, and hesitantly, as if worried he was overstepping his boundries, he wrapped his arms around Luke.

  Calum radiated maroon, dark purple red. Luke couldn't explain it. He just... was.

  "You sure Annie's fine with this?" Luke asked, immediately regretting it. He should've mentioned Annie. He didn't want Calum to pull away.

  "She'd understand," he reassured, hugging Luke closer. Luke found Calum's hand, putting his over it gently.

  You're not a disappointment.

  You're not.

  And for the first time in a while, Luke truly believed it.