God Bless The Broken Road (Jonathan Toews)

How To Love

Jonathan

"Woah man, calm down" Patrick says as I pull my things from the overhead of the plane. We just landed in Chicago and I would like to be with Maisie sooner rather and later. I grab my things as he stands in front of me blocking my only exit.

"Moved or be moved" I warn and he smirks.

"Make me" he challenged and I laugh. I easily push him out of the way and find my way to my car. I drive over to Maisie's place and barley put the car in park before jumping out and racing up to her door. I was still in my travel suit as I run up to her floor and knock furiously.

"Hello" she answers half asleep, her hair a mess on top of her head. It slipped my mind that it was midnight but I was just happy to see her. I pull her into a passionate kiss and she melts in my arms. I needed that in the worst ways.

"Welp" she says softly and I smile down at her as she stayed tucked in my arms.

"I've missed you like crazy" I whisper brushing my fingers through her jet black hair and she looks back up at me. Her crystal blue eyes searching me up and down making sure it was really me.

"I've missed you too" she smiles and I feel my heart race. This was such a great feeling that I've been deprived of for so long. Her scent fills my head and her touch causes the hairs on my neck to stand up. I've never felt so alive.

"I still need to talk to you" she trails off.

"Right now" I ask.

"If I don't do it now I don't know if I ever could" she admits.

"Okay, then lets talk" I shrug.

"Not here, I don't want any chance of Jackson hearing us" she claims.

"Well Patrick is at our place. But we can go to my room, he won't be able to hear us there" I suggest. She agrees that will work and we head over to my place. I get her in with no trouble from Patrick and we sit on my bed. She turns to me and I can already tell this was going to be hard for her.

"This is a long story, so bear with me" she starts and I nod along with her.

"My parents... they're not good people. As long as I could remember my mom did drugs and my dad was in and out of the house from jail. He got taken for a DUI, child endangerment, domestic violence, you name it. I'm not even sure how I'm still alive at this point, but somehow they raised me. They got me through school and gave me shelter but that was about it. We never celebrated a birthday or a Christmas, never met extended family or even left the house together. I was a young girl living in a grown mans world, I was by myself and simply fighting to stay alive. It was usually just me myself and I. So many times as a kid I had to go to school many days in a row in the same two outfits because they wouldn't clean my cloths. I was so small and malnourished, the few pictures I have make me cringe. I would lose my hair or make myself sick because I was so stressed at times. I would bruise so easily or bleed from a small cut for days at a time. It was scary. Mentally I wasn't in any better state either. I was depressed, no one loved me and that included myself. I was told I was a mistake, that I am a accident and a problem. For the longest time I didn't understand why I given this life, what I did so wrong to deserve this. Was I even supposed to be alive? I couldn't have friends over because the house smelled like bad drugs and was turned over from one of my dads fits more times than not. I never knew which, if either, of my parents was going to be home. I could go days without seeing either of them. I didn't know what was happening at the time, I just knew it was bad. All the way up until high school I had to look out for myself. My dad couldn't hold a job because no one in their right mind would hire him, my mom was so messed up she barley knew she was alive. I taught myself how to cook and clean and survive on my own but only so I wouldn't die. I didn't want to live like that but I didn't want to die either. I was no way living, just alive. I would sneak food out of my friends house when I spent the night there, I would sit in the back yard just so I wouldn't be breathing in so many different drugs. My teachers noticed something was wrong but I was a outgoing kid so they never really questioned it. I loved school only because it wasn't home. I never asked questions, I thought that this was the way my life had to be. I didn't know any better. I had to fight... and I had to win. When I turned 16 I was so happy, I got my license thanks to help from a friend and things were looking up. I never celebrated a birthday before, I only knew when it was because the school told me, but that was the first present I had ever gotten, and I still gave it to myself. Then I got the news that my mom was pregnant and I was beyond excited. She stopped doing drugs and my dad was around more often. I thought maybe, just maybe, they had changed. But as soon as Jackson was born it was evident that it was all just a fluke. Just fake hope for a brighter future. It quickly went down hill and my spirits were crushed. Depression once again took over and I was back to fighting, but this time I had something to fight for. I came home one day and Jackson was on the floor crying for food, my dad was gone and my mom was passed out on the couch. Whatever she took was bad and she was out cold. I called 911 and they revived her before taking her to the hospital. Poor little Jack was just a week old, he had no milk and no parents to protect him, to love him. Did you know babies who go without human contact can die? I was just sixteen years old but I vowed that I would not let him have the life I did. He didn't do any thing wrong and he didn't deserve to be punished for their actions. Now I couldn't breast feed, but I could do just about everything else. I learned how to change a diaper and take care of him, I even stole formula once just so he wouldn't starve. There was a internship as a Chef at Chicago Cut and my teacher suggested me for it. I got the job and have been working there ever since, learning alongside the best in the business. It paid well enough that I was able to afford food for him and I, I got us cloths and him some toys. I had no idea how to raise a kid, I was still just a kid myself. I didn't understand what love felt like or why he was always crying at times. I just knew that I loved that little boy and I was his only hope to be okay. As he got older I knew that he couldn't be around my parents. He can't fall into this belief that that's how things are supposed to be like. They didn't care about him or me. But until I was 18 I couldn't legally do anything unless they did. One day I come hope from school and my dad was holding him while absentmindedly staring out the window. I remember it so vividly. He must have been drinking or something because he was wobbly as Jackson was squirming around in his arms. Jackson was about one, didn't know what was happening but was old enough to comprehend it. I try to get my dad to set him down so he didn't hurt the baby and he starts screaming. Just loses it talking about how his life is ruined and how he wasn't happy. Jackson started crying harder and I try to get him to put him down again. His little blue eyes were filled with so much fear as his only memory of my dad was him just screaming. He just keeps yelling and he forgets about the baby clinging onto him so he wouldn't fall. Jackson slipped from his arm, his head hits the counter before his body hit the floor. I've never heard a baby cry like that. I rush over to him as my dad storms out the house, I never saw him again. He knew he would be back in jail again if he stayed. I rushed him to the hospital and they stitch him up. You can barley see the scar anymore, but I know it's there. I've never felt so low in my life than in that moment, where I almost lost the one thing worth living for. The doctors asked who his parents were and without hesitation I told them it was me. It felt right saying that. They don't question it but I knew they would figure it out one way or another. The next day I pack mine and his things and set out. To where, I wasn't sure. I was only seventeen and was now homeless with a infant clinging to my side. My dad was DOA and my mom was knocked out half the time, I knew being homeless was better than having to call that place a home. Eventually Nicole finds me wondering around the streets with a baby scrounging for food and takes me in. Her had husband just recently passed and she had two extra rooms in her apartment open for us. She didn't want money or anything, just a chance to help Jackson grow up. She retired a few years before and agreed to help me take care of Jackson. I helped pay for the apartment the best I could and of course buy food and everything for Jackson and I. I hated taking things from her but I knew I couldn't do this on my own. After explaining everything to the court the day I turned eighteen he was signed over to me. Jackson never officially met his parents. All he knows is that he's terrified of men and rightfully so. His first kind of memory was a angry mad screaming then nearly killing him. That's why I was so shocked he took such a liking to you, he usually darts away from guys your size, but he loves you so much and it warms my heart knowing that my father hadn't completely ruined him. But he can't know what happened, he deserves to live this life believing his parents love him as they should. Something I've never felt" she finishes in a whisper. I watch as she doesn't shed a tear. She just poured her heart out for the first time in God knows how long and I just don't get how she's so strong. I can tell she wished her parents cared about her as she cared about Jackson. She wants love but won't accept it because she doesn't know how. She does all this stuff in spite of her parents. To prove to herself that it doesn't have to be like that.

"Are you ever going to tell him" I ask.

"Maybe, a long way from now, but I need to keep that smile on his face. It's the only thing that keeps me going most of the time" she sighs.

"And who does he think his real dad is" I wonder.

"He thinks it's a guy who died over seas fighting in the war. He thinks his dad is a hero, as a little boy should" she shrugs.

"But you can't tell anyone. Not a single soul. If word gets out Jackson might overhear someone or words might get twisted and I don't have it in my heart to tell him his parents don't love him or that I'm not his mom. This is my story and as hard as it is for me to tell, I'm the only one who understands it. So please... just don't bring this up, ever" she begs.

"Of course. I know this is hard for you and I don't want to make it any harder" I claim. We sit silently for a while until I finally ask the one thing about this that bothered me most.

"And you... you're here to protect Jackson but who was there to protect you" I ask.

"No one. I fought for myself. I was losing for a really long time too. But I always felt as if I was going to make it out of there. I spent a good majority of my childhood playing by myself outside. I learned how to fix things and interact with people. I learned a lot about life, about nature, about everything despite never being taught any of that. My teachers noticed when I did my own hair or dressed myself. They would help me clean up so I wouldn't be bullied by the other kids. I was so small most people thought I skipped a few grades, but I just wasn't being fed. They had a idea of what I was going through but my parents weren't stupid. They knew that they would get in trouble if the state knew what was really going on, and you can't live off the state if you don't have a kid so they kept me around. But I could go weeks without talking to them. I would spend hours in my room playing by myself, drawing, listening to music. Until Jackson came along I wasn't even sure why I was alive. I was depressed but no one noticed, how could they if they never paid attention? But he's everything I could dream of in a brother. I had never been more excited than when they announced he was going to be born. I loved him with all my heart and he's the first person to show me love back. And it sucks because I know kids are going to ask questions and maybe someone will figure it out, I mean he kind of looks like me but you figured it out pretty quickly. I just want to give him my love and for him to know I will do everything in my power for him."

"You're a strong girl Maisie, and I know it's hard for you to bring these things up, but I'm happy you've confided in me. I can better understand you and why you do all this. But you're not alone anymore, I want to help. You've been fighting for so long, you've done great things and will never get credit for it because people won't know. You took this ugly thing and made it something beautiful. I don't think of you any different now than I did a hour ago. I still think you're a dynamic girl who loves to be independent. You just need someone to love you, and I would love to be that guy" I smile.

"What" she whispers staring backs at me.

"I love you. I love the way you look at me when I say something funny and you want to scold me but you still laugh. I love the way you massage my neck when we kiss. I love the way you say my name when I get you something and you act like you don't need it, even though we both know you do. I love the way you sing that song to Jackson before bed and that he always falls right asleep. I love the way your hair is always wavy and crazy yet so soft and looks great. I love that you do so much to protect Jackson even though don't have to. And I love the way you make me feel. Like I'm more than just a hockey player. Like my ideas and opinions matter. Like I can make a difference in someone's life outside of the ice. You're a great girl who doesn't know what it feels like to be loved. But here I am, falling more and more love with you by the second."

"I love you too Jonathan" she replies softly and I smile. She was finally letting me in, and what I'm seeing is beautiful.