God Bless The Broken Road (Jonathan Toews)

From the Beginning

Maisie

I walk into a little modern yet comfortable looking office in the heart of Chicago. There was a couch in the middle surrounded by a bunch of different doors. At the back was a desk and I make my way over with my purse squeezed to me tightly. I wasn't sure what to expect and was a little scared.

"Hello, I'm here to see Dr. Williams at 2" I say quietly and the girl smiles up to me.

"You're Maisie Toews right" she asks.

"Not until next year" I assure her and she nods. Jon set up everything so all I had to do was show up. Given my history of running away I'm sure I'll mess this up too. She checks me in and I go to sit in the empty room. Classical music played softly over the intercom and I have to admit it was comforting. Eventually a little lady, about 5'2 and at least thirty-five comes out in a nice black and white blouse and a black skirt that stopped halfway down her shins. She had super curly red hair and kind green eyes. She was kind of adorable.

"Maisie Brown" she announces and I stand up. She sends me a kind smile and I send one back. I follow her down a hallway until we reached her office. It was a calming grey with a small wooden desk and a chair behind it. She motions for me to sit on the couch at the other end of the room and I do so. But instead of going to her desk she follows me and joins me on the couch.

"I hope you don't mind, but I think the desk is a bit too much and it's easier for me to figure out what's going on if I'm closer" she explains.

"It's not a problem, I kind of like it" I admit.

"Good to know. As you know I'm Dr. Williams, but you can just call me Logan" she smiles and I nod. She moves some things around on her clipboard before turning her attention to me once again.

"So, tell me why you're here" she starts.

"I'm starting a family soon, I'm due next month and I'm getting married next year. I want to be able to put my past behind me so I can move forward with everyone, I really don't want to get left behind. I have a amazing fiancé in Jonathan and I don't want to keep pushing him away. I need him more than he will ever understand. He claims that everything is fine but I know my... habits, my past, still bother him. I'm a runner and quite honestly I'm tired of running. But that's the only way I know how to get away from my problems. I guess I'm here to finally face my issues head on and get over them instead of ignoring them" I shrug.

"For every problem there is a solution. If you get told no it doesn't mean no, it means find another way. I can tell you want to get better and that's already a great start to move on. Now can you tell me what you think your problems are" she wonders.

"I don't know. It's a bunch of things really. It's my parents, my upbringing, my dirty past keeping me from a clear future. My fear of something happening to my little brother. There's countless things that gives me problems" I explain.

"Okay then, start from the beginning. What can you tell me about your childhood" she asks. I swallow a lump in my throat and let my eyes dart around the room. This shouldn't be so hard.

"Calm down Maisie. I won't judge you and your feelings are important. I can tell you would much rather suffer in silence then feel like a problem to someone else. But this is a safe place. Whatever you say is important and I want to hear it all. I promise" she tells me and I nod. I got this.

"My childhood... it was one big nightmare. Going to sleep was hell, waking up was even worse. All I have is the memories because there's about ten pictures of me before high school, but I don't really need the constant reminders anyway. The memories are bad enough. I remember nearly starving to death on multiple occasions. In grade school I would sneak home food from the cafeteria for dinner because my parents wouldn't take care of me. Just stuffing my coat with whatever I can find in the trash so I wouldn't starve. I would eat whatever they had left over or nothing at all most nights. I drank water out of the sink because the cups in the house were always filled with beer and various drugs. I had one pair of shoes for four years straight at one point, one day the fell apart beneath me and I went to school for three days barefoot until my mom finally got new ones. I can't tell you all the things I could have contracted under that roof. The diseases, the illnesses, I couldn't count on my two hands the dangers I was put in from that household. I cried every day because I thought this was God punishing me for something I did. I didn't understand that this wasn't my fault. I jumped when people touched me because the only time my dad touched me was to hit me. I had my first hug in fourth grade when my friend accidentally hit me with a dodge ball and it hurt so bad because my bones hurt from malnourishment. I nearly pushed her over when she wrapped her arms around me. And after all of the I never told anyone what was happening because I hated that people treated me differently. They look at you weird and want to treat you like a charity case, it sucked. I never wanted to be handed things, I still don't. Everything in life should be earned, at least that's what I thought when I have to fight for my life. I had to raise myself and I was doing a pretty shitty job" I laugh.

"Your parents, where were they" she asks.

"If I knew I would tell you. They could be gone for weeks at a time and I wouldn't see them. My mom could be on a drug run, my dad could be halfway to Vegas before I even noticed he was actually gone. Sometimes they were hiding from the law, the cops would knock on the door but they were gone by then. The school was right next to the house so I would dress myself and walk over and back all by myself. Sometimes if it was raining I would walk slower because most of the time the water was shut off at the house so that's the only way I could get clean. I learned how to cook and give CPR for when my dad choked on his own vomit after a beer binge. Honestly things were better when they weren't around. I wasn't worried about strange people coming over looking for drugs or my dads drunk friends yelling incoherent words at the tv. He couldn't hit me if he wasn't there. Sometimes they would be in jail, sometimes they would take all the welfare money and go on a trip. It varied" I explained.

"Wow. I would have never gotten all that from looking at you now. How did you get out of that house" she asks.

"I did what I always do. I ran. I'm really good at it actually. I took my little brother and lived on the street for about a week before someone took us in."

"Okay, lets go back because I want to get to the running later. Were you ever depressed?"

"Never diagnosed, but I defiantly was. The only time I went to the hospital was for required physicals for school. I was underweight but was small so they didn't question it, just told my parents to make sure I was getting nourishment. Of course they didn't listen. If I got sick I just suffered through it, never got medication or medical attention. I just prayed I would make it through, sometimes I thought I would be better off dead. In middle school is where depression really hit me. I would hear my friends talk about their families and it would make me sad. I cried all the time, even when I didn't want to any more. I acted like I knew what they were talking about when they would say how fun their family vacation was or what it was like to just eat a meal together. But I had no clue. Thankfully I was never suicidal because it wouldn't have taken much for me to end it. But I hated waking up every morning knowing what was coming next. Every weekend I locked myself in my room so I couldn't talk to anyone. My friends would ask to play but I would tell them no. For the first seven years of my life I didn't even know when my birthday was, one of my teachers told me happy birthday and I was shocked, I had no clue. Then when the depression took a rest my anxiety took center stage and it was just a endless cycle."

"I see. Going forward what are you looking for?"

"To be able to move on. For every time Jackson is out of my sight I don't think the worst thing possible happened to him. To not feel like Jonathan is too good for me because I love him so much and I want to make him happy. For these flashbacks to not be so strong that my bones ache and my muscles collapse. To stop running every time my past and bad decisions catches up to me. For me to be strong enough to be able to tell Jackson what happened and know that it was the right decision to do so. Because you can't take back what you say, so I'd rather say nothing than the wrong thing. I guess I just want to be free" I sigh.

"We can do that. It might take some time, but we'll get through this. The fact that you've told me so much already proves you want to get better. And you're not sick, you're hurt and you never properly healed. Jonathan is great for you but he can only do so much. If you would like, we can meet twice a week for three weeks then go from there" she suggests.

"I think that would be good" I admit. We make a schedule that works with my crazy one and I head home. Jackson was there with Jon getting ready for tonight's game and he was stick handling around the living room with his Toews jersey on. 

"Hey baby, how did it go" Jon asks kissing my cheek while trying to tie his tie. I take it in my hands then let my fingers go to work.

"It was actually really good. I have a meeting twice a week for three weeks then can see what to do from there" I shrug.

"That's good. You ready for the game tonight" he asks.

"Yup. Got my kid, got my camera. I'm going to grab a bite to eat then I'll be ready to go" I assure him. I grab a apple and a bottle of water before heading to the car.

"Don't you want something else" he asks.

"No, we can just get something after" I reply and head to the door. He grabs my wrist and pulls me into his chest before kissing me passionately.

"I love you" he reminds me.

"I love you too" I smile.