God Bless The Broken Road (Jonathan Toews)

Not Okay

Maisie

"So when are you going back" Emma asks as she sips on wine and I nurse a nice glass of fine water. Not making that mistake again. I've been over here since this morning when I left. I explained it all to her and Patrick, she comforted me and Patrick said he had business to take care of. Not sure what that meant but I didn't need another thing to worry about.

"I don't know. I feel bad for leaving him like that" I admit. I know he's upset, it's just hard to feel like that again. So unwanted and unloved. I about to let him sit there and talk to me like that then act like it was okay. But he's hurting and I should be there to help him. It's a vow I made when I agreed to marry him.

"Don't you dare start feeling bad for him. I don't care if he's the messiah, he hurt you and that's not okay. You shouldn't feel bad because you've done nothing wrong. Because first you start over thinking the situation then you end up forgiving him so fucking quick and you act like what he did was okay. And it really isn't" she whines.

"I know that. But I love him, he's my husband and the father to my children. I don't want him to think that we have one fight and I'm going to give up on us" I explain.

"He knows how you are. You don't give up, you come back and fight harder. He also would never let you go even if you tried to bite his arm off. But just because you're married now doesn't mean he can treat you like you belong in his back pocket. You've had enough of that from your parents, he made a vow too and he's not holding up on his end either. Hockey is a priority but so are you and the kids. He said some really shitty things that didn't need to be said and he needs to suffer" she insists.

"I don't want him to. I want him to be happy, I want to be the reason he's happy. But right now I feel like I'm making things worse. What's happening really sucks, and I get that he's upset, I just wish it didn't hurt so bad" I mumble.

"It's going to hurt. You care so I can promise it's going to hurt. But I don't want you running back to him like you always do. He needs to realize his mistakes and how this isn't just affecting him, but your family too. Jons a great guy, but that doesn't make what he did to you okay. He loves you but taking your past and using it against you, that's just gross. Let him soak in this for a little, realize his mistakes then go back" she shrugs.

"You're right. I just... I don't know" I trail off.

"How about we look through the internet and you can help me plan for the wedding" she suggests. We go into her office room at her and Pats place we spend hours trying to find things for her wedding. Andreé helped me a lot with ours but I had a idea what to do. After a while it gets late and she goes to bed. I emerge from the office to go grab my things and see Patrick reading a newspaper in the living room. He was reading the sports section and shaking his head at something.

"Any more news on the lockout" I ask.

"No" he sighs and I nod. I know he was in a hard place with this situation because Jon was a good friend of his but Jackson and I are important to him too. Emma kept giving him shit for trying to defend Jon but I get it. He's frustrated as well but he's taking it a lot better than Jonathan was.

"I'm sorry this is happening, but I hope it gets figured out soon" I say and he smiles at me.

"You know, I really do like you. Jons my best friend but I like him better with you. I've known him for some time now, I know how he gets. He's called Captain Serious for a reason. But what he's done to you and the kids, it's really not okay. It's one thing to be upset and it's a totally different thing to abandon the people you care most about and be so upset that he blows up like this. You were patient, you gave him space and time and it didn't get better. You did the right thing, I want you to know that."

"Thank you Patrick. That does help. I just never thought it would get like this. I'm not one knit pick but I was hoping our anniversary would be something he looked forward to, we always did something, even if it was little. But he wouldn't even look me in the eyes let along tell me happy anniversary..."

"He forgot your anniversary? That's not like him."

"I'm not sure who I've been living with this week to be honest. But that's not the Jon I married. He's a great player, a great father and husband and friend, and I usually cherish every moment I was with him. But I didn't feel safe. I felt like anything would send him off or would cause him to snap at me. I hated feeling like he didn't want me there. That's why I'm here."

"I'm sorry things are hard. But you'll get through it. You guys always do. It might be your four year anniversary but we all met on the same day so I guess it's ours too. So happy anniversary" he smiles.

"Happy anniversary Pat" I giggle. I leave their house but I don't go home just yet. I drive out to the beach with my camera around my neck. I sit in the sand and watch the waves beat the beach. No one was here and you can see thousands of stars in the sky, man was it beautiful. From the city lights to the cool September winds blowing in off the lake, I finally felt at peace. I let the sound of nature surround me and I close my eyes slipping into a trance. This... was nice. I snap some pictures and I feel the stress melt away. I was still sad but I knew we would be fine. I wasn't going to play hard to get because I'm no prize. I wasn't going to hold this over his head because that's not very helpful either. Instead I would do what I do best, and that's move on. Because no matter how hard he pushes me away, I'm here to stay. I don't want to go anywhere without him.