God Bless The Broken Road (Jonathan Toews)

The Girl Inside

Maisie

I arrive at my second session with Dr. Williams and was a lot more relaxed this time. She already had a idea what to expect and I was ready to get this off my chest. I wasn't sure what we would talk about but I expected something to get better, it just had to.

"Hello Maisie, how are you feeling today" Logan asks motioning to the couch before sitting next to me.

"I'm good, and you" I ask.

"I'm fine, thanks for asking. Today's session might be a little hard for you, but I think it will do you some good" she starts and my chest gets tightens. Well this doesn't sound good.

"I want you to close your eyes and even your breathing out" she instructs and I do so. It takes a little to get my breathing under control but I do.

"Now I want you to picture your life right now. What do you see" she asks.

"I see me and Jackson and Jonathan and our dog playing in the backyard. We're playing catch with a football while food is out on the grill. Jons telling me about how excited he is for the baby to come and Jackson is telling me about all the friends he's made in school. Jon flips a steak and tells me he loves me and I say it back without hesitation" I smile.

"Okay, now take out Jackson and Jon. What do you see" she asks. My breathing picks up as my dreams turn to nightmares once again. I wanted so bad to open my eyes and end this, but for some odd reason I couldn't.

"I see that I'm still at my parents house. Jackson died because I didn't react quick enough and I never met Jon because Jack is gone. I'm still wearing the same cloths I did in high school and am covered in bruises. I never went to college and I'm stuck in that terrible house."

"Okay. How come when I took away Jackson and Jonathan you stopped fighting? You gave up instantly when it was just you left in the picture. You don't see yourself happy with yourself" she says and I open my eyes. Dang she is freaky good.

"I don't know really. I guess because I have nothing left to fight for. They're my reason to keep going when those thoughts come up in my head and consume me like they just did. Without my boys those terrible thoughts become a reality, that's why I usually run from them. So they can't become real" I shrug.

"Mae, you're an amazing girl. You have to know that. I know you battled depression and anxiety, and although they'll never go away, you won. You got out the house, you saved your brother, and you fell in love. You did that. Only you have the ability to forgive, and you're going to have to forgive yourself for what you've been through."

"It's so hard. I hated who I was and deep down, I'm still that weak little girl just fighting to survive. I did give up a bunch of times and I lost a lot of battles. Even if I won the war, it still hurts. I won't let anyone see her but I know she's there, crying in the dark by herself like she always did."

"Stop hiding her. Stop denying her freedom. She's better now if you would just take a look and see. Open your eyes and let her go. She's stronger, better, faster, smarter, just look at you. You can keep doing things for other people but I know deep down this baby means more to you than raising another kid. It's more than giving Jon a kid and Jackson a sister. It's your own baby and guess what? All that little girl is going to know is the real you, not the you you're being to cover her up. She's going to see through all that and love you for you. The real you. All she needs is for you to also."

I look her in the eyes as a tear falls. I wasn't sad, I was... I relieved. Because having to hide that girl who I've buried inside me has been exhausting. But she was right, that girl isn't as I remember when I locked her away, she's a lot better now. So even even without Jon or Jackson, I would be okay because I am who I am, and I am going to make it.

"You're right. I never realized that while trying to help other people I wasn't helping myself. I'm not my parents, I had a terrible childhood but that's in the past now. And even though it hurts, it doesn't have to hurt so bad. Only as bad as I let it and I don't want to do that anymore. No more running and no more struggling. I'm fighting someone besides myself now, now I'm fighting for a better life and I think I can do it'" I admit.

"You can. Because after taking away everything you're left with yourself, and that's a pretty cool person. Your pictures, they're so much more than capturing life's best moments. They're a reflection of them and that's what you are to people closest to you. A reflection of some of their favorite memories. From the day you left that house you were starting to be your own woman, and now here you are. Trying to move on from what's held you back all your life because you're going places. You're doing that. Now let go. Let go of all your fears and worries."

And with that I let out a breath. The weight is lifted of my shoulders and for once I didn't want to run. My problems weren't chasing me because I turned around and I was facing them. This is just the beginning of getting better but I wasn't going to run anymore. I was stronger than that.

I thank Dr. Williams and go home to have lunch with Jon. When I get there the dining room was lit up with candles and the table was set for two. There was a nice steak lunch set up and wine glasses out. Dagger comes running up to me with a bow tie on and a rose in his mouth.

"Poor baby, what did daddy do to you" I laugh as he sets the flower at my feet and I pick it up. I scratch behind his ear causing him to be one happy puppy. I stand up and now Jon was in front of me with the biggest smile on his face.

"Hi" I smile.

"Hi" he replies before we both start laughing.

"What is this" I ask pointing to the table.

"We don't have a lot of time alone and once the baby comes along this is going to become even more rare, so I wasn't to spend the last month or so spending as much time with you as possible. Even with the play offs and wedding planning I want you to know you're the reason I do everything. I appreciate everything you do and love that it was me you let in. And I was so kind to not poison you or the baby and ordered food for this great meal" he says sitting me in a seat and I laugh at his comment about cooking.

"And the drink" I ask pointing to the glass.

"Sparkling grape juice" he smiles and I nod. We sit at the table and talk about anything we wanted. We talked about some wedding details, our plans for this week with his practices and Jacksons practices. It was a crazy schedule but it kept my mind busy.

"How was therapy today" he asks.

"Good. Really good actually" I smile and he smiles back.

"I'm glad to hear that. But you know you can still come to me with anything right" he asks.

"Of course. There's nothing I would tell Dr. Williams that I wouldn't tell you. She just opens my eyes about my past and the psyche behind it. It's kind of cool" I admit.

"I'm happy you're so into it. I really thought you wouldn't want outside help" he admits.

"I'm working on it" I smirk. I help him clean up and we cuddle on the couch for a hour until we had to get Jackson and take him to practice.

"What are your plans for this offseason" I ask.

"I'm hoping it's a short one and I get to plan it with the cup. But if that doesn't work out I'm spending the summer here training with Jackson and being a dad. The baby is coming soon and I can't wait to get no sleep and clean someone besides myself" he jokes causing me to laugh.

"Well when you put it that way..." I trail off.

"I'm kidding. You know there's no other place I would rather be than right here with you guys. It's going to be easy to have her when both of us will be around a lot and you won't feel alone. I'm excited. I love hockey but I love you and our family more. I can't wait" he says squeezing my side. I can't wait either.