God Bless The Broken Road (Jonathan Toews)

The Harder It Will Be

Maisie

As February closes I'm over halfway done with my therapy and its actually helping. I'm kind of upset it didn't do it sooner. Although a lot of tears have fallen and a lot of pain resurfaced, I'm fixing my problems, not just avoiding them. All I wanted was to get better and I finally was letting myself. But the play offs are coming up soon and things are getting a little hectic. The guys are focusing in and the practices are getting harder. They're still a really good team, but it's harder to defend a title than to win one. I sit at one of Jacksons games in the biggest sweatshirt I could find and a pair of sweat pants, that's all I wanted to wear anymore being so close to popping.

"How are you feeling" Emma asks as we snack on hot dogs and water.

"Pretty good. I never had real complications with the pregnancy so far. Besides the morning sickness at the beginning and feeling tired I can't complain. Then again Jon gives the best foot rubs, so that helps a lot" I admit.

"You're lucky. I nearly ripped my husbands hair out when I was pregnant. And I wanted to eat everything. It was rough" she laughs.

"At least Henry is cute" I joke and points at me I agreement.

"That, my good friend, is very true" she says.

There was a March Madness hockey tournament up in Chicago the boys were at and the first round was a bit too easy for them to get through. Our team was a bunch of big guys and Jackson so I wasn't surprised they were doing so well. Defense wins championships after all.

"So what do you have planned for Jons birthday, isn't that next month" she asks.

"Yeah. A little over a month from now. And I'm not sure. All he wants is to win and I can't give him that" I shrug.

"You're giving him a child. That's pretty great if you ask me" she says causing me to laugh.

"This baby isn't a birthday gift, it's a gift of life. I'll probably take him and Jackson to the Ice House to skate with a bunch of his friends and family. I of course won't be able to but I'll make him dinner afterwards" I suggest.

"That's cute" she smiles and I nod. We talk about wedding planning and I ask about what I should do after I have the baby, if I should breast feed or pump and other motherly duties. Thankfully Jackson hasn't asked too many questions besides the usual 'where do babies come from' which I gladly told him they came from love. Not always true, but in this case it was.

After the game I take Jackson home and find Jon passed out on the couch from watching tape after tonight's game. I send Jackson off to bed before picking up a little and turn the tv off.

"Jon, you gotta get up. I'm already carrying one human to bed, I don't think I can do two" I joke causing him to chuckle sleepily.

"Alright, I'm coming" he says following me to bed. I change into a giant shirt and lay on my back because most of the other options are gone. He pulls me close and places a kiss on my neck.

"Mae" he whispers.

"Yeah baby" I whisper back.

"I love you" he says causing me to smile to myself.

"I love you too Jon, I love you too."

The next day I go to my third to last meeting with Dr. Williams. From the outside you can't really tell what's different, but I feel it. Jon feels it too. And that was the best feeling in the world. I sit on the couch and she joins me like always.

"You're getting so big. When are you due" she asks pointing to my belly.

"Five weeks" I smile and her eyes grow big.

"Oh man. I hope I'll get some baby pictures" she says.

"Of course! I'm a photographer, and even when we're done with this I hope we can be friends" I say.

"I would love that" she admits. Her husband was friends with Jon anyway but now we can hang out as couple and such, not just the boys.

"So what did you have planned for me today" I ask. I wasn't as afraid anymore, but still didn't like having to dig around all that often.

"I wanted to talk about Jackson. What he means to you and when you plan to tell him... well you know" she says.

"Yeah. Well I guess I can start with the easy answer about what Jackson means to me. Jackson is my everything. Until him, I had nothing. No reason, no want or will, not a damn thing. I wasn't living, just going through the motions of life wondering when it would get better. Then one day my mom walked in and dropped the baby off at the door before disappearing again. I walked over to the carrier and saw this curly brown hair and piercing blue eyes. I fell in love instantly. All my hope, my desires for a better life, want for love, it was all finally here because I knew I had something to live for. I took him out the carrier and he clung to me so tightly. I held him close to me and he hasn't let go since" I explain.

"He sounds like a great little boy. You talk about him as your own, and as far as I'm concerned you are. As far as he is concerned you will always be not matter what he hears. So why won't you tell him?"

"Because then it'll be real. Then he'll know it's not what it should be, what it's meant to be. Most of the time I feel like he is mine, but then I get these terrible reminders that he's not, and why he's not, and I get scared. He shouldn't have to worry about this too. I don't want him to know the things I do, it's messed me up and he doesn't deserve to think the things I do. Growing up is harder as is, he doesn't need this hanging over his head too. And sheltering kids like this isn't any better, but I vowed from the second my skin touched his that I would protect him and that's what I'm going to do."

"He's not you though. He will never feel what you felt no matter what you told him. He will never have to go through what you went through because you know how to stop it now. His parents love him, even if they're not technically his parents. You feed him, you love him, you would do anything in the slightest to hurt him, you teach him how to be the best little boy he can be. And you're doing it, it's working. But you're also denying him knowing just how great you are. That you didn't have to do any of this but you wanted to, and you love to. That you've been hurt and you saved him from the same fate. That you're not saying you love him because you have to, but because you love to. He will never know the pain you did, I can promise you that. I won't say it won't be shocking to him, because it will be. But the older he gets and the more he knows, the harder it will be for him to understand why things have to be this way. You're not wrong in wanting to keep this from him, but it'll come up eventually. It would suck for him to find out from his own parents or a kid in school who's dad reads the newspaper. The longer you wait the harder it will be."

"Yeah, I get that. I just don't want my parents to win. What if he wants to see them, what if they hurt him? What if he thinks I don't love him or that I'm a bad person for lying to him? What if he will want to be with them and not me" I ask as a tear slips.

"Your parents are nothing to run to, they're people you run from. You know that. Jackson is a kid, he'll be curious to who they are, the life he could have lived among other things. One look at that and he'll know he belongs with you. As far as he is concerned he knows that you're his mom and Jon is his dad, nothing will change that."

"Okay, I won't tell him until the baby comes. But I'll tell him soon. I promise" I say and she nods. I leave her office with a lot on my mind. She had a point, the more he knows the harder this will be. I mean he's already a smart kid but he'll ask questions and I just want to be sure I'm prepared to answer them. And I will be.