Insanity (Sequel To Madness)

Public Speaking

Mark and I find seats saved in the front row. There are four in total, I'm not sure why. People up front explain to me that they are reserved for close friends and family. I suppose they expected Carter to show up, not many do know about his death after all. The other three are most likely for other close friends, but I do not know who would be considered close with Shane. He didn't have regular friends that he enjoyed the company of on the weekends. He always seemed so alone, but at the same time, so crowded by so many. Mark and I take two of the reserved seats and I release a heavy sigh.
"Nervous?" Mark asks me while giving me an almost reassuring look. I nod slowly and cross my legs over one another.
"I am." I answer with a slight nod that looks like I was just moving my head. I guess I am more nervous than I thought.
"I get it, this is a big deal. We're all here for you though, and if you need a shoulder to cry on, we're all here for that." Mark gives me a smile while he softly crosses his arms.
"Thank you, that is really sweet of you to offer." I reply while giving a very forced smile. This isn't a fun occasion to smile at after all. Some are even crying already. Although, none of them look like they were a big part of my husband's life, maybe that's why they're so upset. The regret of ignoring someone until they die must be a very strong one.
"You have my deepest condolences, Mrs. Lancaster." A woman sobs in front of me. I nod and try to look away from her and to the carpet below my feet.
"Thank you." I murmur very softly, I'm not even sure if she heard me. I take in a shaky breath and fiddle my thumbs in my lap. The girl wanders away, the tears going down her cheeks only growing in size.
"Are you okay?" Mark questions me kindly while he softly places a hand on my shoulder. After a sharp inhale and a very shaky exhale, I nod slowly.
"I guess." I mutter, under my breath more than anything else. He sighs softly and softly rubs his finger over my shoulder.
"Just remember, we're here." He states with a very soft nod. I take in a deep breath and force a smile to my lips.
"I don't know if I deserve to be recognized like this, in Shane's place. He always did so much, and it's a lot more than I've done." I explain while releasing a heavy sigh. Mark nods and stares at me with awe in his eyes.
"If anyone, you deserve it. Shane chose you, Violet, and he knew better than anyone that you know how to run that place. You got this, girl. Everything will be fine." Mark assures me while giving me slow, comforting nods.
"Thank you, Mark." I answer him while smiling softly to myself. The room begins to quiet down as a man walks to the front. Like the last funeral for Liam, he announced the occasion and there were small sobs in the background. He called Shane a man of honor and explained how his whole life was circled around the business world. Then, the man opened the floor to anyone who wanted to speak for my husband. There must have been tens of hundreds of hands that raised in the crowd. I don't know how I never realized just how many fans Shane has. I suppose that's why he threw away most of the letters we got in the mail. A certain need comes over me as the man in the front scans the room for the first one to speak. I raise my hand high in the air while inhaling deeply.  The man's eyes reach the front row where I am alone in raising my hand. I don't know what I'm going to say, or why, or if I'm just going to break down suddenly. But, through all that worry, comes my respect for Shane. He deserves to have someone he knows speak for him, to have me, the one he chose, to tell everyone here what he stood for.
"Mrs. Lancaster, why don't you start us off?" The man questions while staring at me. I nod and stand while my hands shake nervously at my sides. Whenever I was forced into the public eye like this, Shane always spoke for me. However, now I am forced to speak for myself. It is going to be a weird twist on how things used to be. Shane spoke for me when I was too nervous to, and now I speak for him when he no longer can. As I shakily walk to the front, my heals clicking on the ground from every step. I take the floor and turn to stare at the endless crowd in front of me. I take a deep breath, since I just lost mine seeing all these people staring at me. I clear my throat and cross my arms behind my back.
"As all of you probably already know, I'm Violet Lancaster, Shane's wife. He was truly an amazing man, and he prided himself in his work more than anyone. And he was really good at it, so it suited him through his whole life." I smile softly from the memories my words bring. I take in another breath and lock my eyes with Mark's for a moment. He nods and gives me a supportive smile.
"I'm so proud of what he did, and how everything he built up was created all by him and his genius." I pause and clench my fists behind my back. That doesn't sound very much like me, does it? Maybe I should show more of myself, Shane always did.
"Shane always showed the same few emotions to everyone he met. You were lucky if you got him to smile, and I loved those moments. His laughs were even better, since they were so beautiful, yet so rare. But, the rarest emotion of the great Shane Lancaster was his sadness. He battled many fits of sobbing, and he always tried to hide them from everyone, including me. Whenever I walked into our room late at night, and he had been sitting in there for a few minutes, I could hear him crying from miles away. Shane had such a sweet side, and when he hugged you it felt like he was engulfing you in an entirely new world. I could get lost in him sometimes. Watching him straighten his hair in the morning, seeing him lay in bed with a few of the top buttons of his shirt undone... It all seemed so perfect with him. Every action, every gesture, every word he spoke..." I pause and smile, letting my arms fall to my sides.
"It was all so perfect." I mutter while smiling down at my hands. I intertwine my fingers together and smile at the mess that they have become. I have cracks and bruises placed on my skin, but through everything, I'm able to smile at nothing at all. That seems similar to the way I may be damaged internally as well as externally, but I still own the Main District, and I will run it.
"Shane was an amazing man, in so many ways. I will miss him, like I do every morning. I miss helping him to tie and pick his tie for the day. I miss the way he would sneak a smile to me when we were supposed to be looking serious. And, more than anything I miss his advice and extremely intelligent words that he would speak to me every day." I explain while nodding along with myself.
"Thank you for your time." I conclude finally before I head back to return to my seat. There are some cheers from the audience and polite clapping. That certainly went better than it could have. I sigh heavily as I sit back down next to Mark.
"You were good, and everything you said was right." Mark comments, giving me a smile. I nod and cross my legs over one another.
"I hope so." I reply in a hushed mumble under my breath.