The Daily Journal of an Average Teenaged Girl

Entry #30.2: 4-1-14

[Edit: when I finally finished, this turned into a VERY LONG rage-rant. Bare with me, I was really aggravated... You'll see]

....

What it's like to be me!

Like in the last thing I published, I had said, no one knows what it's like to be me. And honestly, I'm typing as my mind is thinking. Really. I'm typing as fast as I can on this tiny little phone. My thoughts. This is literally how I think to myself. As if I'm talking to others. (Which may be why my journals might be fun to read)

Me? What is it like to be mwa? Well, sit down on that there tree stump** and let me tell you, you little shit. Being me isn't easy. And I assume, I mean obviously, there are people who might have it worse. Hell, you might have it worse. But, going on. Imagine this:

Wake up every morning, tired as fuck. You wake up every two hours anyway. Sometimes you have nightmares. Barely you have good dreams. Most nights are sleepless. You have a cat that likes to piss every-fucking-where. Where, ALL OF THE CLOTHES IN YOUR FUCKING CLOSET SMELLS LIKE FUCKING CAT. And because you're too tired, you don't make breakfast. And you didn't make a lunch. And you go to school. And, you sit by the one person who you're madly in love with, who doesn't love you back in any morsel of the way you love them, an it makes you want to cry every time. You sit with a guy who can't take anything seriously. A girl whose life revolves around anime, and anime music, nightcore, etc. And every one else who doesn't take life seriously. You also sit by 2 people who "like" the person YOU love. But not as seriously as you do. Yet, that guy, he wants choose the girl who can give no two shits about who she dates.

And you feel lonely with this group of people because the attention you actually get is minimal. The max physical attention is about 4 hugs a day, not even. Everything else, yes, is fun, nice and playful, and you're happy. But deep, WAY FUCKING DEEP INSIDE, you're lonely because you can't express anything because you're afraid it'll hurt someone. So you smile and go along with it. You have no friends in any of your classes. You learn much faster than all of them, therefore you feel like you're surrounded by idiots, and you're bored the entire time. And you're so socially awkward and afraid to be judged (thanks to being bullied as a kid, grades 1 through 7) your voice barely comes out as a whisper. And you only have, like, 2 teachers that somewhat pay attention to you because they know you're a social out-cast. And one of those teachers you only see once a week. An you're on a crutch all day, and sometimes the fucking elevator doesn't work, so you're force to use stairs, or miss your fucking class. And some work that needs to be done in the top two most important classes can't be done because you either have no time to do it,(English paper) or YOU HAVE NO WAY TO DO IT(auditioning for symphonic band). Why can't you do it? You're fucking crippled and you're not allowed to stay after school because of it. So you have to go straight home.

To a brother who has been pretending to look for a job, but instead going to some dudes house, when he has a son to take care of. And your mom puts him under strict rules, and you feel guilty about drinking milk, or soda-pop, or eating snacks. So you wait for dinner. The meanwhile, your mom is probably pissed at someone or something, and you ask what should you do, or what's wrong. When she says nothing, you sit down, 30 minutes later she gets pissed that you're not doing dishes, because it's expected of you. And you may want to talk about one or two cool things that MIGHT have happened at school today, but you get shot down because she has a headache, or she's tired. Basically meaning she doesn't give two shits. So you try to do things to make her happy. But you're too fucking late. You're told to do whatever you want while she does the work. Then everyone is mad at you for not eating lunch, when, 4 months ago, no one cared if you ate lunch. And you're entire body is literally feeling anger, yet empty from all of the stress of staying on top in school, keeping your friends, keeping your so-called family together, trying not to piss anyone off, and care for a cat that pisses on you, scratches you, bites you, and hurts you.

All in the meantime, having NO time for the things you enjoy. Such as drawing. Or even listening to music. But you can't do your absolute FAVORITE THING IN THE WORLD, (playing my viola) because you're afraid to piss someone off, because they're trying to sleep at 8pm. Even though EVERY DAY they're up until fucking 10pm.

Don't forget that through ALL of this, you still are going through trying not to self harm, trying to not let sexual abuse memories come back, trying to not randomly think of death, trying not to scream, or cry. And just to smile, and say everything is fine when you're so stressed you rather burn in hell. (which is a big statement for me, since I don't believe in hell)

ALSO... The only time you are really smiling is when you're with your dad, (which is normally once every two weeks), when you're with your friends when your household ISNT upset, (uhh... Last time that happened was... About...5 months ago?) and when the cat is being nice to you while your room smells and looks nice. (Once a week)

Does this look easy?? Do you know how hard it is to say no to self harm? Do you understand why? No? Well, I can't tell you. Because I don't know myself. Sometimes I wonder how I made it 2 whole years without intentionally hurting myself. (In the beginning of March 2012) And those scars, from 2 years ago, still exist.

Sure, it should be a good thing that I haven't hurt myself for 2 years. But think about this: I've had the urges. An a total of 3 people stop me. Which of those, I'm not included.

NOT INCLUDING the fact that, before I try and make myself happy, all of my family and friends around me must be happy. I will try to go to my extremes to help. If their problems trigger me, I'm there. If they need support, I'm there. If they need to talk, I'm there. If they need advice, I'm there. If they need help on homework, I'm there. If they need to complain, I'm there. If they have issues and just needs a hug, I'm the one.

And I don't get anything back...

And just today, TODAY, I realized I'm quite literally insane. I'm doing the same thing over and over each day expecting a different result.

What you just read, is what I do each day. Basically, I bite my tongue, not say what I should say, and hope someone *cough* David *cough* comes to my rescue.

And, tada. My lovely daily being of me.

-sigh-

Don't get me wrong. I love my friends, they make me happy, I love what everyone tries to do for me and blah blah blah. It's just days like these, when I'm ignored for the 4th week in a row or something... I break on the inside. And way before I had a journal, I literally said exactly what you read, (even this part) to myself. Inside my head. And it goes on and on and on.

Because I have no one to talk to! Because I'm afraid that they will think I'm over exaggerating, or trying to get attention, blah blah blah.

I'm not. I hope you understand, you random reader. I have no idea how you read all of this without thinking I'm some sort of whiny brat.

Soo. I'll keep doing what I always do. Which adds to my insanity...

**[did you get the song reference?!]

Keep smiling!!

~Sharpie.