The Daily Journal of an Average Teenaged Girl

Entry#7: 9-2-14

Hey!! So, remember how I said I had to change my background to something that WASN'T David? Well when he found out this morning, he was all upset and kept asking why I changed it. I told him I had my reasons, and that I would tell him later. I find it funny but kinda weird that David gets all giddy about being a screen on my phone... And then when he gets all flustered when I change it without telling him.

I really don't get him.

So I think the highlight of today is that IM LEGAL TO DRIVE, BABY!! I got my permit today, and I start driving on Thursday!!

Woot woot!!

Also, I'm glad to be on crew for the fall play; 'The 39 Steps'. Which is still semi-confusing.. But I'll get it. I'm kind of jealous of the stage managers... But I will be applying for them for the next 3/4 shows! (Junior Year Musical, Summer theatre, Senior Fall Play & Senior Musical)

Last but not least, but certainly the worst.... Something bad has happened. It's weird to understand this, but I believe I have my own little demon who lives with my soul. I can ignore him very well in most cases. But after everyone left on Saturday, he attacked me full force, and I was left crying alone. Since then, I've been quiet, and darker than usual. Of course I can easily cover it up... It's just my heart feels black again. The self-hatred has come back. I'm back to being ugly, gross, and worthless.

These were the feelings I had back in 8th grade, when I had my addiction for self-harm develop. I'm GLAD to say it will never happen again. But, unfortunately I have to say that my demon is fighting to keep me down. And I HATE to say that none of you can do anything. Once the demon has decided to hurt me, it clouds my eyes with disclosed clouds, and every word of hope becomes incoherent.

I'm not really sure WHY this all started again. But those damn feelings are back. Being unwanted, ugly, unattractive, weird,bout castes, stupid, unworthy, and unneeded. Worst of all, lonely and unloved.

<I KNOW IM LOVED. I KNOW IM WORTHY, SMART AND BEAUTIFUL. BUT MY DEMON IS HIDING IT FROM ME. It's so hard to see who I really am>

But being lonely? It's common.... Although it's stronger now more than ever. It's such a hated feeling to be surrounded and alone.

There's a saying that says, "If you're up at 4am, you're either in love or lonely, and I don't know what's worse." And everytime I see it, I know I'm both, and that's all there is to it.

----

So, learn this lesson as I re-live it myself:

Always remember that even though you're in a cave, or in the middle of the storm... The light is at the end, and the sun is always waiting for you...all on the other side.

Keep Smiling!!

~Sharpie