The Daily Journal of an Average Teenaged Girl

Entry #80

There is no date, well, because there shouldn't be.

Yesterday, May 23rd, I went to his wake. David and Libby was with me for support. The made me eat. They made me move around. They also made me go look at him. The wake was from 4-8.

When I walked in, I saw a picture of him, and my eyes started to water, but I wouldn't let myself cry. I signed in, and took a card. I say down. And I stayed sitting. I was looking at the card, that had his picture on it, unlike the other cards I have. I just looked at the picture, and my eyes watered again. I blinked them back. So, I looked up from where I was sitting, and I saw some of his face, out of the casket. His eyes were shut.

I just looked, expecting that any second he would turn over, or groan that he didn't want to wake up. Something. Anything. My eyes watered again. But I couldn't cry. I remember seeing David and Libby walk into the home, seeing them in all black. I've seen David in all black before... But this? This was different. They sat by me, hugged me, rubbed my shoulders and such. Trying to console me from my silence. I sat in the middle of them. They had tried to get me to move... But I couldn't. I had to stay.

So they left me, hoping that I would follow. But I didn't. I looked back at the casket and stared. Then they came back. They told me it would be for my own good if I left. And when I shook my head, they sat next to me again.

The next time I looked up, my eyes glowed. My sisters Teresa and Lauren! I barely see them, so I'm always happy to see them. So I actually got up to hug them.

After a little bit, David and Libby left to go get something, and I was sitting at my original spot again. Lauren, who reads my journal, plopped right down next to me. I love Lauren. There will never be a moment she can't make me smile. She the "awkward" one who always has something weird to say, and takes 3 million pictures at family gatherings.

"So, I know this may be a bit awkward.." She said in her giddy-awkward voice, "but I understand what you see in David! He's cute!"

All I could do was blush and laugh... And respond with, "You should see him in a tuxedo!"

Some time later, it was 6pm, and Libby, David, and I were in this lounge-like room, eating and talking. Some how it was 7:30. And I had yet to see the man in the casket.

So I thought at that moment, it would be appropriate. David held my right hand. Libby held my left hand. And we walked over to him.

I looked down. And there I saw him. John. All I could do was stare. And I said, "I just keep seeing him open his eyes and smile, as if it were all just a cruel joke." My voice then got quieter. "The last thing that we said was 'Goodnight. See you tomorrow!'"

And the tomorrow we dreamed of never happened. He had died. He hit a tree, and died instantly.

"I remember the first time I met him," Libby said, "He had told me about how much I reminded him of his dead cousin."

Tears brimmed my eyes. I remembered that. John was so emotional. He started crying and hugged her.

David then said, "All I can remember is when he ran out of the house at full speed saying, 'Holy shit! Look at the sky! What the hell is that?!' At the Chinese Lanterns."

That was only a few days ago. His reaction to simple Chinese Lanterns wet so innocent. It was so cute. He looked like a child seeing a monster under theirs bed.

And finally, tears fell down my face. David and Libby hugged me, and I held my breath. That's what I do when I cry. I can't help it. I had cried for a few minutes. When I stopped, Mom hugged and I started crying again. He's gone.

This wasn't the first time I cried. A day after I was told, I was in study hall... On Facebook. I saw so many posts on his timeline. And tears were falling down my cheeks. I was so silent. RJ had quietly gotten up and grabbed the tissue box, and I really cried. Silently. I accidentally let a sob out, but aside from that, I was happy about two things. That I wasn't noticed, and that RJ grabbed those tissues. My nose drips when I cry. My nose cries when I cry.

So many different things were going around in my head. When he cared for me in the hospital... When he told David that he, and my mom loved him, his smile, his laugh, his anger, his silly attitude, and this thing we did. Like a secret handshake, but we bumped our elbows. And most I all, his smile. Every picture I see with his smile, I whimper... "He was so happy."

I couldn't even bare how the next day, his funeral, was going to be like. And I was right. I only was there for the service, because he is going to be cremated, and buried in Michigan, where his family resides.

But the things that pasture said. They were amazing, yet, it disgusted me. I loved every word, and it made me to not ever want to go to a funeral ever again. His words were powerful. (Or, as they put it... Jesus's words were powerful)

I had tears nonstop flowing, as I stared at the pasture. There were moments I swore he stared into my soul, only being 10 feet away, it was creepy. Yet hopeful, powerful, and scary. There was a woman next to me, whom I didn't know, give me tissues. I could barely whisper 'thank you', because I was so weak.

When we went home, Johns cousin, Timothy, visited. We hadn't seen him in a year and a half. His son, Demetrius, was with him too. He looked so different from the last time I saw him. But I guess I did too.

Timmy took most of Johns music, and talked to mom, and I'm sure they cried together. And when they left, Timmy hugged and talked to me. He said something like...

"Whatever goals you have in life... Go chase them. Accomplish every goal you have. John loved you guys. He completely adored you. You and your mother was his life. Sure, he had his breaks, none of them were with you. Call or text or Facebook us if you ever need us. Even im you need to vent, or if your mom isn't handling very well, just tell us to say hi. And I mean it when I say chase your dreams. Demetrius... he looks up to you. He admires you. He started drawing because of you. So do whatever you can and tech your goals."

"I will" I responded, and I flashed him a smile.

And he smiled back and said, "God I loved that smile of yours."

I'm telling you... If that didn't make me smile, then I have no idea what would have.

So let this be true to you too. No matter what you're going through... You always have a reason to to smile.

And guess what my lovely readers? That's the end of my Daily Journal. But don't worry, I'm coming out with another one soon.

So don't forget, friends...

KEEP SMILING!!!!!!

Love, Sharpie.