The Daily Journal of an Average Teenaged Girl

Entry# 50: 4-21-14

Hey! Happy 50th Entry!! Whoo hoo! Haha. It doesn't seem like much, but at the same time, it does.

I only got 6 hours of sleep last night, thanks to my dedication to writing and expressing my emotions. I ended Entry #49... I worked on chapter 2 until 11pm. Then, I wrote Entry#49.2 until 12. I would have thought it wouldn't take me that long, because when I'm angry, I type faster. The birthday party thing gets me pretty mad. Ugh. Haha.

So at school, I got to see David in a t-shirt today, anddd eeeeee! I love him in t-shirts. Teehee.

We had gotten to the topic of how Libby is planning David and I's wedding. And he said, not ruddily, "Well she's wasting her time, because we'll probably not going to date let alone get married." I'm not sure why that hurt, but it did. I mean, it's common sense that we won't date, so why does that hurt? It shouldn't. But I guess it's because I'm so in love with him. I can't choose who I love, but I can choose what I do about it. And I still choose to wait for him. Silly, isn't it?

I'm going to end up as a cat lady, and forever a virgin. Not that that matters, the point being I feel like he's the only one for me. And that's that.

My heart is just a fiddling mess.

So, in 1st Hour Earth Science, we had to do a lab with one partner. Big surprise that RJ and I were partners. Haha. The class had to leave at one point, (an me being a cripple, it was useless to go outside for 20 seconds and to come back in) so I grabbed a blue ring pop I took earlier from my basket this morning. By the time they came back, my tongue was blue. An so were my lips and teeth. It was funny, and I was on a sugar high. Towards the end of class, however, I was taken out of class to be pictures. Click, click, "okay, goodbye!" I have no idea why.

I literally did nothing in Math Class, and in study hall I listened to "All Of Me" on repeat for a full half hour while writing the journal.

David, I hate you. I hate loving you. I hate you so much. You're blinding me. I want to. I want to hug you so much.

Every time I think about David, I want to either cry or puke. Cry because we'll never happen. Puke because I'm so upset. I don't know.

"My head's underwater but I'm boing fine. You're crazy and I'm out of my mind."

Ughhh. Life hates me sometimes. I wish I had the strength and determination to make the statement of not speaking for a day.. Maybe a few days. Just to show how broken I am. But I'm too weak. I have to talk. I have to talk to him, or I'd go crazy. And I'd look like an idiot with duck tape over my mouth. For me,nots hard not to talk all day. Maybe I should try to do that tomorrow... Hmm...

....huh. Nothing happened in band today? Nothing worth mentioning!? Oh my god!! That's weird!!!!

So, uh, in study hall, I told Sydney about my unhealthy addiction to "All Of Me". And, I wrote in my journal while listening to it on repeat. Pretty much it.

Although during my free time, Libby and I were texting. She told Grae about the wedding plans for David and I, and she enjoyed it. I told Libby I don't want to force him to marry me. Her logic? "He's not being forced to marry you. He's being forced to date you and then he will want to love you and marry you"

....

I feel guilty for loving that idea. But no, If we were ever to date, I want it to be his decision. Not anyone else's. And that's final. I swear.

....

When I got home, I had a snack, since I didn't eat all day. It's a long story. But afterwards, I discovered that my favorite page I 'Follow' on Twitter, called Uberfacts, now have an app!!! I was the happiest girl alive. I have an addiction to not only numbers, but facts and knowledge as well. So I spent an hour reading random facts, and I literally fell asleep on the couch reading facts.

I woke up, and ate. I then played some soccer, went inside and showered, and did some more thinking while laying on my bed. [Which, the cat was so energetic, and biting and scratching me, that I locked him in his cage for the night. I had enough.]

I think about this too often though. Who would think what if I were to die now? What would their last words to me be...? I don't know. I'm having a tough time staying happy. I have that one split second every day, thinking to cut once more, and I decide against it everytime.

Today I took a mini-trip to memory lane. My scars on my arms were more profound. Any time it's humid out, and I'm hot, they get darker than my skin, and are so much easier to see. And I'm always mesmerized by them. I love them. They're my babies. My favorite part was how they felt. They were so warm, and the healing process was beautiful. I loved them the most at a few days old. That's when they were the best. I'm not sure what my favorite part was. Watching the blood seep out of my new cuts, seeing how many cuts there were. Or the heat they emitted days later. The texture of 5 or more day-old cuts in a row.

Well... Okay. I apologize. That's not normal to think. One would think I would be disgusted. But, I guess it's the scientist inside me. And even the artist. Scars, to me, is a war fought and won. Cuts are an on going war that takes strength to go through.

So, there was my depressing thought of the day.

....

I then read facts and listen to music until I went to bed.

Keep Smiling.

~Sharpie