The Daily Journal of an Average Teenaged Girl

Entry #6: 6-7-14

I think lately I've started to become agitated. I don't know. Or maybe my mood is influenced by others. Or perhaps I'm moody. Whatever.

Today I was with my dad. I love my dad! A lot! More than anyone. I'm serious. He came over around... Oh.. Perhaps noon? Sometime around there. We were talking until mom came home. She made herself some lunch, and then dad and I went out to the mall, because I thought maybe we could get me some new lip piercings.

After minutes of trying to decide, leaving the store, realizing I didn't like the style I chose, and ten exchanging it for a new pair... I put them in. One gold stud, and one silver stud. I wanted black and gold hoops, but they didn't have them. So, whatever I guess.

Then, as we headed back, we were stopped to take a survey, I thought , "Sure, Why not?"... Well, after he explained I would get 'paid'. And I guess they had certain surveys for certain ages, and since I was 16, I was supposed to watch some sort of movie trailer or something. Well last minute, the supplier of the surveys basically said, 'Nah, we don't need any more stats on this'... So I didn't get to take one. But my dad hopped on my bandwagon too, and he got to take a survey about soap. Yay? That's really exciting.

When we got home finally, we jammed out on our electric guitars. His regular 6-string, and my bass. It was fun. Until mom decided to weigh everything that I have been doing wrong for the past 2 weeks on me. Like today was one of the first days I didn't do dishes (From the day before). When the dishes ARE done, the kitchen looks clean. So she was complaining about how messy the kitchen was and how I never clean it. Well, all I can do, normally, is wash the dishes and wipe down counters. I couldn't clean off the kitchen table because it was so full of a bunch of paper work, and crap, an all sorts of shit that I didn't know what was important or not. So all I could have done was organize it. Sorry.

I mean, I understand why she gets mad when I leave a book or two on the stairs for a week. How hard is it to bring it up to my room? Not very hard. And I understand that. But, cleaning up everyone's paperwork? That isn't mine? How am I supposed to know what should be thrown away? The only thing that was mine on that table was my report card.

Which, HA, by the way... she made me feel like shit today. Aside from the fact that 'I don't clean up around the house' that made me feel like a worthless daughter... But she made me feel like I was stupid. She handed my dad my report card and said something like, "Look at these ugly grades." with such attitude. I had B's and C's. The only bad thing that I saw was the fact I had a D in English, but I brought it up to a C with my Final Exam. Which should be a good thing, right? My GPA wasn't the best it could possibly be, a 2.8, but I never remember being higher than a 3.2. So for as long as I can remember, I've always had a "B" grade average. Is that so bad? I have 2 more school eyes left, I can bring it up.

Don't forget I had the stress of my ankle surgery with transportation and checkups towering on top of me. About 4 major papers, and I'm pretty convinced that Sophomore year is the hardest year of highschool.

I honestly wanted to cry because I felt like a retarded idiot. That's a word I try not using, too.

Fuck, I felt like someone just told me to carry 100 blocks of gold on my chest, I thought I was going to stop breathing.

I don't know. I thought if was a little rude to call me out like that. It's not like I call her out on random shit she doesn't excel at. I'm only 16. Give me a small break.

Look Mom, I know you're grieving over John, but I am too. It doesn't look like I am, but I am. I just don't want to 'show' you because I don't want to cause you any more stress.

[On the topic of 'grieving'... You know how there is 5 stages of grief, right? Guilt, Bribing, Anger, Depression, and Acceptance. That's the normal 'order'. And mom literally followed that order. She hasn't reached step 5, of course, but still. I, however, skip around that. And that's normal too. But I always start with the most bizarre step in grieving first. Acceptance. I immediately accept it. So far, my order has been Acceptance, Guilt, and now, Anger and Depression. I don't think I'll ever bribe. Honestly. Right now, though, I'm just overall angry an depressed. I get angry so easily, and I get depressed even more easily. But like all of my negative emotions, I hide it very well.]

So, I'm currently feeling depressed, angry, and defeated in one way or another. And it was just yesterday the only thing I was complaining about was that I was uncomfortable with the way David and I were laying on my bed. We had a good day yesterday. What the hell?

I just hate it all. I hate life. I love life. Life is a bittersweet thing. I just have to keep smiling through it all. Every day.

Keep Smiling.

~Sharpie