Better Together (Patrick Kane)

11| To Let My Stronger Feelings Be Heard

Patrick

I get back from a pretty successful circus trip ready for a few days off. It's been a long two weeks but it was a good two weeks so I couldn't complain. I got to spend some much needed time with my teammates because I couldn't hide in Bowman's house anymore.

I had a lot of time to myself to think about what I want and how to keep everyone from getting hurt. That was almost impossible but in a perfect world that's what it would be. I haven't really figured it all out yet but I do know one thing. I wanted Danny and I wanted her bad. Wether it be as a friend or more, I needed her in my life. Just the thought of not being with her is tearing me up inside, but I wasn't even sure if she wanted to be friends with me anymore after I threw her to the side like that.

As soon as I get back to Chicago I go home and straight to my room. Everything was neat and clean and just as I left it. I go to throw my bag on my bed but stop. There was a box with note on it sitting where I usually sleep. It said "happy birthday Patrick, from Danny" on the front. I set the note aside and place the box on my lap.

It sucked not being here or in Buffalo for my birthday but the guys still did a little something for me. They got me a cake and they got me a win so I was pretty satisfied with that. I'm actually shocked she got me something because up until now I thought she hated me.

I open the lid and find a piece of paper at the top. It was a poem she had written for me and I smile bright. I start to read it and the smile just grows.

I wish I can put in words
Just how much you mean
I love being in your arms
Simply watching you dream

I wish I could just find
Or put together the right words
To let my stronger
Feelings be heard

But when it comes to you
I don't know what to do
Or just what to say
To know I got through.

I hate that this shit
has torn us apart.
But you'll forever have
A special place in my heart.

Sometimes we'll fight
We will argue and shed tears.
Just know when you need me
I'll always be here.

Because when it comes
Down to the very end
In the very least
I will always be your friend.

I miss your sweet smile
I love being the reason it's there
I hope that one day
We'll share a love that won't tear.

I know it's not much
But it means a lot to me
Here's a belated birthday present
It's my heart with a key.

Much love, Danny."

Wow. That changed a lot. Everything even. Maybe she does really like me and she's just scared. Maybe it's not because I'm a hockey player she won't be with me. I'm not even sure anymore. But one thing I do know is that feelings have changed and I wasn't sure what to do.

I set the poem on my dresser by my bed and dig into the box. She gives me a few books to read and I laugh because of course she did. She always has her nose in a book. In the bottom of the box was a picture frame. It was of her and I and the boys playing mini sticks. Suzanne must have taken it. The words "home away from home" was carved in it and Cam and Will signed their names at the bottoms. This was something I could keep forever, and I planned on doing just that.

I dart up stairs and go looking for Danny but couldn't find her anywhere. I find Stan in his office and peak my head around the corner.

"Hey Stan, where's Danny" I ask.

"She's out with Suzanne grocery shopping. They should be back soon" he says and I sigh. "Are you alright, you look like you've seen a ghost" he says and I shake my head of the overwhelming amount of thoughts.

"Yeah I... we just have a lot to talk about" I admit.

"Okay then" he nods and turns back to his work.

I go back to my room and start to unpack. I did laundry on the road so most of it was clean. I see that poem sitting there and pick it up again. We haven't talked much in the past two weeks or so. We texted a few times and talked on the phone for a little but that's about it. I wasn't sure where we stand. I mean the last time I saw her she was walking away from me after we kissed. Man... that kiss. That was something else. I've never had such strong feelings before, maybe that's why she's so scared. But I wasn't sure what that kiss meant to her. Because it meant the world to me. But I'm still with Amber and I do like her, I really do. But I don't think I will ever be able to love her. And that's why she doesn't want me around Danny.

"You got your present" a soft voice says and I look up. Danny was standing there in a ripped skinny jeans and a white v neck shirt and a burgundy cardigan. Her hair wavy and nearly reaching her belly button. Shit. I forgot how beautiful she was for a second. Her eyes search me trying to familiarize herself with me again and I'm just happy she wasn't crying like the last time I saw her.

"Yeah, I loved it so much. Thank you" I say and she nods.

"Of course, any time. How was your trip" she asks sitting on my bed next to me.

"It was good. Long, but good" I say. "How have you been" I wonder.

"Honestly, pretty bored. Did a lot of school work and got a letter out to my dad" she explains.

"Where is he stationed" I wonder.

"Baghdad. He's there for the next three years I think" she says softly.

"I'm sorry" I say. I wish she could have at least one parent with her.

"It's okay, at least you're back now" she smiles.

"Listen... what happened before I left" I start.

"No Patrick, its okay. It's just as much my fault as it was yours" she insists.

"But it's not okay. Nothing I've put you through lately is okay. I've been a real dick to you and that's not fair. You have done absolutely nothing wrong and yet you're the one getting hurt and I'm the farthest things from being okay with that. I know now that it's not that you don't want to be with me, it's that you feel like you can't. And the words I said to you, I should have never said them. I thought that in order to keep Amber I had to lose you but that's a trade no Bowman would make... and I am part of the family now" I smirk and she giggles.

"I think you're pretty good" she says.

"So are we okay? Can we please be friends again" I ask.

"Best friends" she says. I give her a hug then quickly regret it. We still never talked about what that kiss meant. But things were getting better again. I don't want to mess things up again so I try and put it in my back pocket. Key word there is try.

"Well I have to put groceries up and get ready for bed, but it was really nice seeing you again. The real you" she smiles. Damn that smile.

"Goodnight Danny" I say.

"Goodnight Patrick."