Better Together (Patrick Kane)

36| Love is Kinda Scary

Danielle

"Watcha doin" Patrick asks as he carelessly throws his stuff in the closet. We were in a hotel up in Winnipeg as a part of the circus trip and I usually just stayed with him. We were in the middle of two weeks of nothing but away games as the circus takes over the United center. We have been to three different cities so far and I love to explore them, but not by myself. So I had to wait for Patrick to get done with his morning skate before going anywhere.

"I was just writing some. I have a lot on my mind and finally had the time to write it down so I thought I might as well. My thoughts needs some remodeling so I went back to poetry to sort it out" I shrug.

"I love your writing, can I see what you have" he asks.

"Um.... sure" I say slowly. He sits down on the couch next to me and takes my notebook before reading what I had out loud.

"It happened so fast
Wasn't sure what to do
One second I was all alone
Then I fell in love with you

My mom always told me
I would fall in love
But never to force it
We should fit like a glove

My dad always said
Keep my heart open too
You'll never know what will happen
And in walked you

My mom is gone now
My dads gone too
I guess what love taught me
Was I'm nothing without you

Because my momma was right
My heart chose a suitor
And just like my dad
You're the mouse to my computer

Although I deeply wish
That they were still here
As long as I have you
My love won't disappear

I still feel like
Parts of me are missing
But I still keep going
As long as it's your lips I am kissing

There is one thing that I had
To learn on my own
Love is kinda scary
But for you it must be known."

He finishes the last part and turns to me. He sets the notebook down and pulls me into his lap. He desperately presses his lips to mine as my eyes slam shut. I straddle his lap as he pulls my hips closer to his.

"Can I tell you something" he whispers slowly, trying to catch his breath.

"Yeah" I whisper back. He cups my face and smiles when his skin met mine.

"Sometimes when I see you I get this pain in my chest. It's a combination of all the things that you had to go through to get to this point in your life. It's the heartache, it's the loss, it's the isolation, it's all of it. I remember how scared you were to love because you believed that everything you loved dies.

You've been trying hard, so hard to move on but you feel like you can't. You don't have closure and I hate that I can't give that to you. You say that I make you happy and I don't get why. Because I think about what you've been through and that makes me sad. I can't imagine how you feel" he says.

"Everything my parents talked about when it came to loving someone, you fit it. I feel like I can't function when I'm not around you because you are everything I've ever wanted in a friend and more. You remind me of all the good parts of them and it's addicting.

You're right, I still hurt and I cry sometimes. I so desperately want closure but the bottom line is I know I'm never going to get it. I believe in miracles but I also believe that some things aren't meant to be. I've been through a lot, there's no denying that. But I'm still here, I'm healthy, I'm happy, and I'm ready to move on. I don't want to keep living in the black, I want to see that light and it's you Patrick. I love you for reasons beyond comprehension. I don't even think a twenty year old should feel this way. That scary type of love doesn't happen all that often, but I watched how my dad would look at my mom on her bad days, it's the same way you look at me now. It's the feeling of wanting to give me the world but knowing you can't. And I'm here to tell you that I don't want the world, I want you. You're my whole world" I say caressing his cheek. I wipe away a tear that escaped and he smiles up at me.

"You're the best" he claims.

"Actually that's you" I insist.

"Ready to go explore" he wonders.

"Always ready" I smile.

Since we were in the home town of one Jonathan Toews he agreed to give us a tour of the city. Although he claims Patrick and I are gross he sure does insist on spending his extra time with us. He takes us around the main part of the city and gives us a little history lesson. He really loves his home town.

After a while we find a place to eat dinner. We settle for a little cafe and it was actually adorable. I order a turkey sandwich with their freshly made chips and a large iced tea and sit down in a booth. I am joined by two hockey players who had been stoped for autographs on the way over.

"Hey Jonny, I think I have more fans in your birth place than you do" Patrick teases.

"Please, they might have wanted your autograph but it was my jersey you were signing" Jonny chirps back.

"I can never tell if you guys like each other or hate each other" I admit.

"Both" they say at the same time and I roll my eyes.

We spend lunch time enjoying ourselves a little too much. We were just kids after all and was given freedom to see the city. As long as we stay out of trouble then I don't see the problem with it.

"So Patrick, what are you doing for your birthday" I ask. It was in a few days and I had a few ideas about what I wanted to do but I had to narrow it down.

"I don't know. My parents are flying out so I'll probably chill with them. You, of course, are invited" he says.

"What about me" Jon asks.

"Not if you keep hitting on my sister" Patrick mumbles and Jon laughs.

"She's cute" he shrugs and Patrick throws a crouton at him nailing him in the forehead.

"Nice shot" I say and he smiles.

We get back to the hotel and get ready for tonight's game. Patrick was on a four game point streak and was hoping to keep it going.

"Alright, good luck. I love you and have fun. Keep your head up and your hands open" I suggest.

"Of course, love you" he says gently kissing my lips. He goes off to the bus and I head to the boxes to sit with my uncle. I watch them warm up on the ice and let out a sigh for what I feared would happen was coming true. I relied a lot on Patrick and now I can't imagine living without him.