here without you

06

I walk into history class and take my seat next to the window. Most students are already there, sitting in their seats, laughing and chatting.

I'm rather late since I don't ever show up early to lessons. Me trying to be early only applies to when people are waiting for me. Technically, you could say that my teacher is waiting for me, but I don't feel like that counts.

Ironically, I try to be as late as possible when it comes to attending lessons. I don't like having to wait for the teacher to come, like most of the other students are. They use the time to chat with each other, but since I'm not a chatty person at all, I don't need it. If I have left over time before school starts - which I rarely have due to Nate always being late -, I spend it with him in his car.

History class is one of the most boring classes for me. The fact that our teacher has one of the most tiring voices I have ever heard only makes it worse, if that is even possible.

Before she took her own life, Olive used to sit next to me in history class, which meant it wasn't as bad as it normally would have been. Sometimes it could even be fun. But right now the chair next to me is empty, painfully reminding me that she is no longer alive.

We're about twenty minutes into the lesson when a knock on the door interrupts it.

"So sorry I'm late, Mr Schmidt. I overslept because for some reason my dog didn't wake me up this morning. And then I got stuck in traffic, which took ages to clear up."

Jade has entered the room, looking bright and not the least worried about being late. Mr Schmidt looks as though he couldn't care less and tells her to sit down.

Jade walks up to the last row. I expect her to turn right, to the table where she always sits, but instead she sits down on the chair next to mine. I look at her, bewildered, because this isn't what I'm used to. It's not how it should be; the seat next to me belongs to Olive. I know it's stupid because after all, she's dead. It's not as if she could sit next to me. It shouldn't matter, and I wish it would't - except it does.

Jade gives me a bright smile, which I don't return. Instead, I look at her as grim as I can. Her reaction is an even wider smile, which drives me even madder. I turn away from her and look out of the window, trying to ignore her. Mr Schmidt is saying something about the French, and I feel my mind drifting off.

I think of the last encounter I had with the girl sitting next to me, and what I have said to myself then: I won't talk to her. I still haven't changed my mind about that. I don't want to talk to her, or sit next to her, or spend any time with her at all.

Yet, I feel like she wants to do all of these things. I guess she feels bad because of what happened to Olive. Maybe she thinks we can give each other comfort or something, which I doubt we can. It's not my job to comfort her, plus I definitely don't need or want her help. So why act as if we'd be friends? She might have been friends with my sister, but surely that doesn't mean we are, or that we should be.

For the rest of the lesson, I don't talk to Jade or even look at her direction. Sometimes I can feel her looking at me, but she doesn't say anything or tries talking to me. It makes me think that maybe she doesn't want to be friends after all. To be honest, I don't know what it is she wants. And to be honest, I don't think I want to find out, because I don't think I care.