here without you

19

I'm sitting in the bottom of the rows, waiting for the game to start, like everyone else. All around me are people, talking in loud voices, laughing. I don't feel comfortable, and I'm unsure whether this was a good idea.

Nate sees me, and he flashes a smile at me, which I try to return. After he found out I was going to the game, he was really excited, and he also is right now. He's jumping around, talking to his teammates and laughing.

"Is this seat taken?"

I look up. It's Jaxon, Jade's twin brother. He points at the seat next to mine. I tell him it isn't, and he sits down.

I ask him why he isn't playing, and he explains to me that he has a foot injury. While he talks I notice just how much Jade and him look alike. They have the same kind blue eyes as well as lips, and both of them have cute, slight dumbo ears, a rather straight nose, and of course, bright red hair.

Jaxon and I talk about basketball, and I get to know him a bit better. So far what I've known about him is that he was one of Olive's friends, is Jade's twin brother, and is just as attractive as she is. But while sitting and talking with him, I realise that he's not only as attractive as his sister, but also just as pleasant to be around.

The cheerleaders start performing, and Jade looks into our direction, which makes me smile a little. Their choreography works perfectly and is pretty impressive. They come to the end of it and form a pyramid with Mackenzie Campbell on top of it.

"I'd like it better with Jade Cadwell on top of it. She's hotter."

I turn my head. Mike Thomson is sitting behind us with some other guys, laughing. When he notices me looking at him, he says, "But I don't think I'd mind you on top of it, Roze... Or on top of me." His friends laugh at his joke.

Jaxon has turned around, too. He's glaring at Mike, saying, "Shut the fuck up, Thomson."

"What, you're telling me you wouldn't want to fuck Roze Foxton?"

He raises his eyebrows. There's this smirk on his face, which constantly seems to be there. It gives him the look of a total douchebag, and right now it makes me want to hit him. For a moment I actually think of doing it, but I tell myself not to, because it would only cause trouble, which is the last thing I need.

Jaxon is about to get up, but I stop him.
"It's alright. Just ignore him," I say, trying to keep my voice as calm as possible. He frowns, but he listens to me.

I expect Mike to stop and watch the game, but I should know better - he never knows when to stop.

"It's a real shame your sister killed herself," he says. "She was almost as hot as you."

I felt anger when he was talking about me, but now I feel nothing but pain. Maybe it's just the simple reminder that Olive isn't here, as she would be right now and should be. His words hit me as bad as a physical punch would.

I stand up. I still hear the sound of them talking, but I can't make out their words. It's just noises, too loud and too much. All of a sudden, I feel dizzy, and everything seems to be blurry.

Somehow, I manage to find the doors and to leave the room. As soon as I'm out I sit down on the floor, breathless. I think of going to the bathroom because I feel like throwing up, but I can't move, and I don't want to.

I hear someone opening the doors and stepping towards me.

"Roze! Are you okay?" Jaxon kneels down to me.

"Yeah, totally." I let out a weird sound which is supposed to be a laugh.

The doors are opened again, followed by the sound of approaching footsteps.

"Roze?" I look up and see Jade. "What the hell happened?"

Her brother gets up. I hear them talking with each other, but I'm not sure what they're saying. I think Jaxon is telling her about what happened, and I hear him saying something about getting a teacher for help.

"No! I'm fine, really," I say.

They pause for a second, looking at me. I can't really see their faces - they're just weird shadows -, but I'm pretty sure they are worried. A moment passes, and from what I can hear I think Jaxon is going inside again.

"Maybe we should go get some air...?" Jade says. It's the first time that I sense something of insecurity in her voice. I think she's really worried, which makes me feel even worse.

Jade holds out her hand, I take it, and she lifts me from the ground. I don't feel stable yet, so I'm glad she doesn't let go of my hand. It gives me the feeling of a bit of steadiness.

She leads me outside, to a bench where we sit down. The air is cool and somewhat calming. I lean on her, still feeling dizzy, but my vision is a bit clearer now. I can see the concern on her face.

"You look really pale, Roze," she says.

"I'm always pale. Pale is my natural skin colour," I say. "I'm a vampire, didn't you know?" Although my joke was pretty lame, I hear a soft laugh coming out of Jade, and for some reason, it makes me feel better.

"Don't you have to get back? They're gonna need you," I say.

"Screw that! You need me right now. That's more important." I feel something like warmth running through me when I hear her say that.

I stop leaning on Jade to look at her. She's still wearing some concern on her face.

"Sorry for ruining this."

Her expression changes to bewilderment. "What are you talking about? If someone should be sorry, it's me. I asked you to go."

"But you didn't force me. Besides, it's not your fault, it's Mike's... Or mine, because I'm so oversensitive."

There's a slight sharpness in Jade's voice when she says, "Don't you think it's your fault - it's definitively not. Mike is just an asshole."

"I know he is, but... But it just feels like there's something wrong with me." The second I say it, I realise how true it is. "I mean, I can't even go to a bloody basketball game without having a breakdown. Clearly, I don't function. I don't function at all! Not... not without her."

I turn away from Jade, looking at something else but nowhere in particular. I don't want her to see the tears that are forming in my eyes. I want her to go away, but instead she stays.

She puts her hands to my face, gently, turning it into her direction, so that I have no choice but to look at her. Her touch feels warm and soft, and her blue eyes are staring directly into my brown eyes. Inside my chest, I feel my heart racing. I'm probably still feeling sick.

"Roze, there's nothing wrong with reacting like this. You're going through hell right now, and it's more than okay to struggle with this. It doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you. Because there is nothing wrong with you, okay?"

I only stare at her, speechless. Once again, I'm amazed by her, by this girl that always knows exactly what to say, no matter in which situation. She moves her hand, wiping away my tears. Her skin touches my skin, and I feel a strange, yet pleasant feeling running through me. I can't tell what it is, only that it feels good.

"You're gonna ruin your makeup, idiot," she says, which makes me smile a little. In the most casual way she adds, "Not that you need it."

She asks me whether I want to go home, and I tell her I do. We get up and walk to her car. On our way home we don't talk much, which I don't mind. It feels like one of these moments where you don't need to talk with someone in order to enjoy their company. One of these moments where the simple presence of them makes you feel better.

We reach my house. I'm about to get out, but then I look back at her.

"Something wrong?" she says.

"No, just... Thank you, Jade. I think I needed this."

"Sure, Roze."

Her cheeks dimple, and I feel the corners of my lips rising. I'm not sure what I meant when I said 'this'. Maybe just all of it. The game, my confession, her words - even the breakdown. But most of all, I think her.