here without you

33

"So you're listening to music again."

"I... Why would you think that?"

"I just noticed the stereo with your iPod in it."

Jade looks at me, waiting for an explanation. The truth is that the last time I listened to music was when I was heartbroken because I thought Jade has feelings for Evan. Obviously, I can't tell her that.

I shrug, and as an answer to her question I say, "Not really."

I hope she'll let it go, but I know Jade. She isn't like that.

"Well, then what exactly are you using your iPod for?"

I can't tell her. I shrug again.

"Really great answer, Roze."

She walks over to the stereo, then turns around to me, saying, "I hope you don't mind if I play something...?" Her voice goes up a bit, as though asking me question.

I tell her I don't, and I actually mean it. Being around Jade gives me a feeling of comfortableness, which I don't often experience around other people. She and Nate are the only ones who can give me that feeling. Olive could too, but of course I can't count her in anymore. If I think about it, it might even be a different feeling Jade gives me - one that no one else can.

While she takes my iPod and scrolls through my music, I sit down on my bed. She looks up at me, grinning.

"You named your playlist 'playlist'? That is so creative of you."

I feel myself turning red, and it's not just because of her comment. The playlist she's talking about is the one I listened to on repeat after the party, and it's practically dedicated to her. I really hope she doesn't take a closer look at it.

"You know, you're the only person I know who still uses an iPod." I see her shaking her head, still grinning. "And for someone who doesn't listen to music you sure have a lot of songs on here," she says. "I think I'll just put it on shuffle."

The song which starts playing is "I Wanna Be Yours" by Arctic Monkeys. How bloody ironic is that?

Jade sits down on my bed, too. I put my head on a pillow, looking at the ceiling so that I can avoid looking at her. Beside me, I notice Jade lying down too. She's close to me, but still a lot less closer than I'd want her to be.

"I really love this song," she says.

"Me too. It's one of my favourites."

We lie there for a while, just listening to the song. I don't dare to look over to Jade because I fear just looking at her could give away all of my feelings.

"I wanna be your setting lotion (Wanna be)
Hold your hair in deep devotion (How deep?)
At least as deep as the Pacific Ocean"

"As deep as the Pacific Ocean," Jade says, repeating the lyrics. "That's a very deep devotion, don't you think? I wonder if anyone could feel that sort of devotion for me."

If only you knew...

I could tell her the truth right now. I could tell her that it's definitely possible because it's pretty much impossible not to develop such devotion for her once you'd get to know her. I could tell her that I feel that sort of devotion for her. But I don't.

"Secrets I have held in my heart
Are harder to hide than I thought"

There's only one real secret I'm keeping from Jade right now, and I don't think I could ever tell her about it.

"I think I can relate to that," she says. "Can you?"

Yes, totally.

"Not really. I think I'm pretty good at keeping secrets."

She lets out a soft laugh. "Yeah, you really are. You know, sometimes I find it really hard to tell what you're thinking."

I hesitate, but then I just say it.

"Maybe you could just ask me what I'm thinking then."

Jade sits up, and I know she's looking at me right now, even though I'm still starring at the ceiling.

"Well, what are you thinking right now, Roze?"

I sit up too. Then, I turn my head to her, slowly. Her eyes meet mine, and they seem to be staring directly into my soul. I feel shivers running through my entire body.

"I..." Just tell her. I swallow. She doesn't interrupt me, she keeps waiting for me to continue. "I'm thinking that... that I wanna be yours." My words are only whispered, but I know she heard them. I quickly look away from her, scared about the consequences of my words.

I feel her moving closer to me. Then, she puts her hand on my face, turning it to hers. Her face is close, closer than it has ever been to mine - yet not close enough.

And then it just happens. We kiss.

And I have wondered what kissing Jade would be like. I have imagined it countless of times, when I was awake as well as when I was asleep. My fantasies were wild - yet they don't even come close to what is reality. Because reality? It is so much better. It's incredible, only the word incredible isn't enough to describe what it feels like to kiss her. It's better than incredible, much better. It's magnificent - only that isn't the right word either. But I don't think I could ever find the right words for it. It's simply unexplainable.

After a long time which doesn't feel long enough, we draw away from each other. There's a wide smile on her lips - the lips I just kissed.

"Gosh, I wanted to do this since forever," she says.

"You did?"

I can't believe she just said that, even though she did just kiss me. This whole situation seems unreal. It seems too good to be true.

"Yeah... Ever since we had detention together. Maybe even before that, if I'm honest."

This is definitely a dream.

I'm so happy that I can't even think of anything to say. My smile feels like it's stuck on my face. I'm sure I must look like a grinning idiot right now.

"I did too," I admit.

"Then why did you never do it?"

"Well, I guess for the same reasons you never did... Too scared or too confused, I don't really know."

Jade takes some of my hair, wrapping it around her fingers and letting it go again. Then, she looks at me and says, "Actually, I don't think I was ever confused. For a while now it's been pretty clear to me that I want you, Roze."

I don't know what to say, but there's no need for me to say anything at all. Jade just kisses me again, so I kiss her back. I can feel her smile against mine, and I think it's the best feeling ever.