here without you

63

I'm sure they have discovered the mess inside my room. I decide to pretend I don't know what's going on because that is all I ever do - pretend. Pretending not to like girls. Pretending not to need help. Pretending to be fine.

"About what?"

My parents exchange a look with each other. It tells me that they have talked with each other about me and my issues - whatever they are.

My mother directs her gaze towards me and says, "What happened with your room, Roze? Your father and I came home to find it being a total chaos."

I don't know what to say. How am I supposed to explain it without giving away the whole truth? I just look at them, lost for words.

"Roze, you have to tell us what happened," my mother says, her voice somehow demanding and gentle at the same time.

I look at them, at my mother and my father. The family I have left. I know both of them love me, and I know both of them are worried. And suddenly I'm tired. I'm incredibly, unbelievably tired. I have been for a while now, but it has never been as bad as now.

It's like I've been walking around with no orientation for the past weeks, and on my walk I've been given all of these things which I can't handle. Instead of relieving myself of the weight I'm carrying, I convinced myself I can carry it on my own. I convinced myself I don't need others to help me carry it, and I convinced myself the weight will lessen. But the weight has only become heavier and heavier, and now I have reached the point where all of the weight is getting too much for me, and I'm finally drained out of all my energy.

It's time for me to unburden myself. It's time for me to admit the truth. I can't handle the weight on my own. And I'm tired. Too tired. I'm tired of pretending, and I'm tired of lying. Lying to everyone, the people I care about and even myself. I have already lost Jade because of it, and I don't want to do it anymore. I can't do it anymore.

"I built a blanket fort. For Jade. Jade who isn't just my friend. Or wasn't. She was more than just my friend. We were together. We were in love, but then I screwed it up. We broke up. Yesterday. Last night."

At some point during talking I have stopped looking at my parents. My eyes are studying the ground, and I realise tears are coming out of them. I don't bother wiping them away - there are too many.

"You two broke up?"

I look up because my father's words don't make any sense to me.

"I... I don't..."

"Roze, you don't think we've known?" My mother's voice contains just the right mixture of gentleness and amusement. She steps closer to me, and so does my father. "Of course we have known about you and Jade."

"You... have?"

"Yes, we have," she says. "It wasn't that hard to tell. Especially the way you two look at each other made it more than clear."

"We just never really mentioned it," my father says, "because we have been waiting for you to bring it up to us. But we want you to know that both of us are completely okay with it. More than okay, actually."

"We think it's good that you and Jade are together."

"Were." A sob comes out of my mouth. "We were together. We're not together anymore."

I know that both of them want to ask me why, but neither of them does. They just step even closer to me, and then they hug me. First it's only my mother putting her arms around me, but then my father is doing the same. I feel my body going stiff because I'm not used to this sort of affection from my parents. But then I feel it relaxing. I let myself be held by them, and eventually I hug them back.