here without you

65

I look over my shoulder. I blink.

"What are you doing here?"

Nate sits down next to me, and he says, "I am trying to be there for my best friend."

I say nothing. I don't know what to say.

"I'm here if you want to talk. You know that."

I'm looking down at the city, but somehow my hand finds his. I give it a light squeeze. After a second I feel him giving me a squeeze back. We're just sitting there. His hand is holding mine, reminding me of how we used to hold hands when we were children.

"What am I doing, Nate?" The question just pops out of me.

I look at him, and he looks at me. He moves closer to me and puts his arm around me. I cuddle into him.

I hear myself mumbling, "I want Jade back."

"I know." His hand is stroking my head. "She misses you too, Roze. And she still loves you. You know that."

"She does?"

"Of course she does."

I take my head off his chest. I look at him. "How do you know?"

"How I know? I'm not blind, Roze, and I'm not stupid either. It's more than clear she loves you. Besides, she... She told me to look after you. After you two broke up. She said I have to make sure you're okay because she needs you to be okay."

I'm studying his face, trying to detect the hint of a lie. "You're not making this up, are you?"

"No, of course not." He frowns. "Why is it so hard for you to believe that Jade loves you?"

I stop looking at him. I look at the city again.

"Because I broke her, Nate," I say. "She gave me her heart, and she trusted me. And I messed it up. I couldn't take care of her heart. I broke it."

I start crying, and I sound like a little child in pain. Nate immediately pulls me into his arms again.

"Hey. It's okay. Roze, it's okay." I press my face into his neck. "You didn't hurt her because you wanted to," he says. "You would never do that. I know you wouldn't, and you do too, just like she does. Jade knows you didn't want to hurt her. How could you? You love her. And she knows that. Everyone knows that."

"Then why did I hurt her? Why would I hurt someone I love? Why did I do that? What is wrong with me, Nate?"

He holds me tighter. "Nothing is wrong with you, Roze. Sometimes we hurt the ones we love without meaning to. That is just how love works."

I sniff, swallow, and then say, "Well, then it sucks."

Nate laughs. I haven't been able to make him laugh in a long while, and I get this strange, by now familiar feeling again. Happiness and sadness scrunched together.

"You're sounding like your sister right now."

It's the best and the worst thing he could have said. I move out of the hug a little to see his face. I look at him and say, "Today I realised that maybe I'm a little like her. Do you think that could be true?"